Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard
by MazzyStarShip
Summary: When Tonks is forced to go undercover as Harry's bodyguard at Hogwarts, chaos ensues. Who ever said that fighting Dark Lords couldn't be fun? Slow-building Harry/Tonks. Fifth year. Rated M for crude humor and a few adult situations.
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

 **Disclaimer** : I'm neither British nor female, and I'm definitely not a billionaire. I don't own Harry Potter.

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Many years later, Harry Potter would remember this day as the exact moment that everything changed—the exact moment that his life went from miserably awful to merely awful. That's not a radical change, of course, but sometimes it takes just one tiny event to send one's life flying arse-over-tea kettle. The merely awful might suddenly become the mostly tolerable, and the mostly tolerable might eventually become the blissfully happy.

The tiniest pebble can cause the mightiest avalanche, as a muggle might say.

Of course, Harry didn't recognize that at the time. At the time he was wallowing in misery, grieving the death of a fellow student—a death he felt responsible for—and afraid he might not see his next birthday. It's hard to be optimistic when there's a powerful and immortal psychopath hell-bent on your death.

That's why he failed to recognize the event for what it was. Though, given his history, he could be forgiven for not expecting the tiny pebble of chaos that would cause the desperately needed avalanche. He was Harry Potter, after all, and he already knew that Fate considered him its bitch. He didn't yet realize that a little chaos could cause Fate some major headaches.

It all started with a dementor…

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"Dudley, you moron, you're going to get us killed!"

Harry cursed as he searched for the wand that had slid out of his grasp. His porcine cousin was lying on the ground, gibbering in fear of only God knew what.

Meanwhile the dementors were drawing closer, so close that he could hear their rattling breaths. The alley was almost pitch black and the air felt frigid.

"Lumos!" he screamed in desperation.

The wand lit up a few feet away, and Harry grabbed for it in relief. But before he could cast his patronus, a glowing silvery piglet flew by his head toward the approaching dementors. He stared in shock for a moment. He could have sworn he heard it oinking as it passed. He recovered quickly and joined the fray, not wanting to look a gift pig in the mouth.

"Expecto Patronum!"

The ethereal stag leapt from his wand and barreled toward the dementors with blazing speed. The two patroni—piglet and stag—met the monstrous beings at the same time, driving them away. He watched as they disappeared in the distance, moving much more quickly than he thought possible. The doom and gloom permeating the alley lifted, and he took a deep breath to calm himself. That had been far too close.

A whine from his cousin caught his attention. Despite the absence of danger, Dudley remained in the fetal position on the ground.

"Horrible," he whimpered. "Horrible. So much hair…and the grunting, oh my God, make it stop."

Harry winced, not really wanting to know why Dudley's worst memories would involve hair and grunting. He was nonetheless relieved that his cousin hadn't been kissed. He couldn't imagine what Uncle Vernon would have done to him.

He looked cautiously in the direction the other patronus had come from.

There was an unfamiliar woman walking toward him, her wand still held aloft and an invisibility cloak in her other hand. He raised his own wand defensively, not yet certain if she was friend or foe.

"Oy, no need to point that thing at me!" she remarked loudly.

Now that she was closer, he could see that she was, in fact, fairly young. She looked like she might have been in Hogwarts not very long ago.

He was baffled by her appearance. She was clearly a witch, but she was dressed like some sort of muggle punk rocker. Her hair was pink and fashioned into a jagged bob. She was wearing combat boots, torn blue jeans, and a black t-shirt advertising some band. Either she knew her way around the muggle world, or she was clueless about how the average muggle dressed.

"Who are you?" he asked warily as she approached.

She blinked at his tone. "Yes, yes; you're quite welcome, Harry Potter. No need at all to thank for me for saving your life."

"Thank you for helping me, but I had it well in hand. Did you not see my patronus?"

The woman grinned. "I saw you fall on your arse and get roughed up by that tub of guts over there. Saw you fumble around in the dark too, while you were about to get a sloppy kiss—and not the good kind. Good thing I had your back, eh?"

Harry frowned, still not lowering his wand completely. Never mind the dementors—why was there a witch in Little Whinging?

"Who are you?" he repeated.

"Name's Tonks. Just Tonks," she replied cheerily. "And that was a huge patronus, by the way. I'm impressed. Didn't realize they taught it at Hogwarts now."

"They don't. It's, er, nice to meet you Tonks, but why are you here?"

"Well, I'm your bodyguard for the day, of course. Why else would I be here?"

"My…bodyguard?"

She gave him a quizzical look. "Aye. You didn't know you had bodyguards?"

"Must have slipped everyone's mind to tell me. Have you been watching me all summer?"

"Me and a few others. No need to glare daggers at me; I thought the Headmaster told you."

He finally relaxed and crossed his arms. "No, he didn't. Because that would have made sense. It would have made me feel less like I was in prison. It would have given me a way to get information and pass messages to my friends. We can't have that when—"

Tonks' eyebrows slowly rose at Harry's rant. It was interrupted by the appearance of a large barn owl, which hovered in front of him and gave a shrill hoot.

He glared at it and reached for the letter it was carrying.

"Don't be an idiot!" she yelled. "It might be booby-trapped."

He pulled his hand away quickly, remembering the portkey trick that had recently resulted in Voldemort's resurrection. He watched as she stepped forward and waved her wand over the owl's letter.

"It's clean. Ministry post, from the looks of it."

Harry took the letter and opened it. His eyes grew wide. "I've been expelled," he whispered in a daze. "The Ministry is sending someone to snap my wand."

"What?! Give me that." Tonks grabbed the letter out of his hand and perused it.

"What a load of shite! They can't snap your wand for a bit of underage magic. The Statute doesn't even matter if it's self-defense."

He wanted to believe her. "How do you know?"

"Because I'm an Auror. Don't worry about this. I witnessed the whole thing. But how the hell did an owl get here this fast?"

He nodded uncertainly, unable to decide if he was more relieved or confused. " _You_ are an Auror?"

"No need to sound so surprised, boy wonder. I'm young, but I know what I'm doing. Now let's get you and tubby over there back to your aunt's and I'll go clear this up. Don't give your wand to anybody."

He watched, still bewildered by the events of the afternoon, as Tonks tried to pull Dudley to his feet. It was like watching a cat trying to lift a Saint Bernard.

"Bloody hell, are you made out of bricks?" she gasped, pulling with all her weight.

The huge boy still seemed almost catatonic, whispering at something only he could see. "Why is there so much hair? Why are you moaning? Mummy?"

Harry winced, _really_ not wanting to know what was going on in his cousin's head. Tonks was snapping her fingers in front of his face.

"Oy, butterball. Snap out of it. What's the matter with you?"

He tried not to laugh. The witch seemed to like his cousin about as much as he did. "Maybe dementors affect muggles worse than wizards," he offered. "He can't have many bad memories, as spoiled as he is."

She nudged Dudley with her boot, then shrugged. "As long as he can walk, it's not my problem. I may have to levitate him otherwise. It would take a lorry to carry him back without magic."

Tonks tried and failed again to lift him. "Give me a hand here, yeah?"

Harry grabbed an arm and lifted along with her, but they only managed to pull him to a sitting position. Dudley continued to ignore them and moan. Tonks noticed that Harry's arms were shaking.

"You alright there?" she asked, looking him over speculatively. "Not injured anywhere? Dementors are no joke, and this little fellow did land on top of you."

He sighed. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, his body was shaking a bit from his exertions. It didn't help that he had hadn't eaten much recently, something he couldn't blame entirely on the Dursleys.

"I don't—" Harry began, then gasped as Tonks began roving her hands all over his body without waiting for an answer.

"—think so," he finished.

"I don't feel anything out of place. You're probably good. Healing spells are not really my thing anyway."

Harry shook his head, not quite able to understand how this witch could be an Auror. "Let's just get out of here."

"Righto," she agreed, finally giving him some space.

"Oy, Dursley, can you walk?" she shouted in Dudley's face. The boy blinked and wiped some drool from his chin.

"I, er…what?"

"I'll take that as a yes." She grabbed Dudley's arm and pulled him toward the alley exit. He slowly rose from the ground. "Let's get back to your aunt's house, Harrikins. I need to file a report."

The trio walked slowly back toward 4 Privet Drive, their progress hampered by Dudley's condition. Harry smelled something acrid coming from him, and suspected his cousin might have wet himself.

They had almost made it home when a pair of pops in the neighboring yard signaled the arrival of newcomers. Harry and Tonks trained their wands on the location as two wizards in Auror robes appeared out of thin air. The Aurors frowned at the wands pointed at them, but did not raise their own.

The squirrely looking one of the pair stepped forward.

"Harry Potter? The Ministry of Magic demands that you surrender your wand forthwith. You have been expelled from Hogwarts for underage magic and for breaking the Statute of Secrecy. You must present yourself at a later date for a hearing."

"Sod off, Dawlish," Tonks retorted. "I witnessed the whole thing, and nobody gets a wand snapped for underage magic."

Both Aurors stared at her.

"Tonks? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Combating Ministry incompetence, looks like. What are _you_ doing here is the better question."

Dawlish narrowed his eyes. "We don't answer to you, _Junior_ Auror Tonks. Now stand aside or I'll have your job."

"I don't answer to you either, _Senior_ Auror Dawlish. We both answer to Director Bones. Who sent you here for an underage magic notice? She certainly didn't."

The other Auror answered. "It's none of your business where our orders came from. We know the boy cast a spell. We're here to take his wand, so stand aside."

"So there's not going to be an investigation into why Harry-bloody-Potter of all people cast a Patronus? You're just going to snap his wand? Morgana's minge, we just got attacked by dementors in a muggle neighborhood! Why don't you investigate that?"

The two looked at each other knowingly. "We were told he'd have some ridiculous excuse. We'll be taking his wand regardless."

"The hell you will. We can sort it out at the Ministry, but nobody's getting a wand snapped. We're going inside now. You two should scamper off now like good little Senior Aurors."

Harry groaned when he saw both men raise their wands. He was already in trouble, and didn't want to add 'assaulting an Auror' to his list of charges. But he couldn't just let them take his wand. There was far more at stake than an underage magic charge.

He prepared to cast a shield, praying desperately that they could avoid a fight. His hopes were dashed when both Aurors fired stunning spells at Tonks. She shielded herself and then dodged another spell, but Harry knew she was in a tough situation. Both opponents were focusing on her and ignoring him, and she wouldn't last forever against those odds. He hesitated only a moment before acting.

"Stupefy!"

The red jet from his wand crossed the distance toward Dawlish in a heartbeat. The Auror parried it away at the last moment, a shocked expression on his face. Apparently he hadn't expected a student to raise a wand against him, even if it was Harry Potter.

Dawlish shot him a disdainful look and returned a flurry of spells. Harry hastily shielded himself, but could do little more than that against the onslaught. Suddenly everything was chaos and noise and light. He gritted his teeth, hoping the shield would last. He didn't want to know what would happen if it failed.

He threw everything he had into the spell, willing it to withstand the battering ram assaulting it. He could feel his strength faltering when the pressure suddenly stopped. He glanced to the side and was relieved to see Tonks' opponent lying on the ground unconscious.

Dawlish cursed and backed away from him, his attention now on defending himself from a very angry witch. She pelted him with stunners, forcing him to shield, while he danced around on grass that was growing rapidly and trying to grab his ankles.

Harry saw his opening and took it. Dawlish stepped cautiously over a wriggling vine of grass, and a simple tripping jinx sent him sprawling to the ground. A moment later his wand sailed through the air into Tonks' outstretched hand.

All three were breathing heavily after their impromptu duel. Harry was stunned at how fast everything had happened. Dawlish glared furiously, his face a shade of red that Harry had only seen on his Uncle Vernon.

"Return my wand immediately," he seethed, "or I'll see that yours is snapped."

"Go bugger a house elf!" Tonks retorted. "You just started a fight in the middle of a muggle neighborhood! I _told_ you we were attacked by dementors, you bloody moron."

Dawlish slowly rose. He glanced at his downed companion, noticing that the man's wand was resting nearby.

"Don't do it," Tonks warned. "Take your arses back to the Ministry and tell Madam Bones I'm on my way. And find somewhere else to apparate from. You're standing in some muggle's yard, for Merlin's sake."

Dawlish looked around, only now seeming to realize he was surrounded by muggle homes. He grudgingly grabbed on to his partner and placed his hand on a medallion swinging from his neck.

"I guess you'll just have to obliviate some muggles then, won't you?" he said. "You'll regret this insubordination, Tonks. The Minister himself will hear of it."

He and his partner disappeared with a whoosh of air.

Tonks deflated in relief. "Bloody imbeciles!" she exclaimed, staring at the space her colleagues had vacated. She looked around at the neighboring houses, trying to discern if anyone had witnessed their altercation. Dudley, having regained his senses, was staring between her and Harry in horror, as if they might sprout an extra head at any moment.

They seemed to be in the clear until a little girl no older than seven rode up to them on her bicycle. She stopped on the sidewalk and stared at their little group with an open mouth.

"Are you aliens?" she whispered.

Tonks sighed, then looked at Harry and winked. "Yes, we are, sweetie. I'm Princess Leia, this dashing young man is Luke Skywalker, and this svelte fellow is Jabba the Hut."

"Whoa," she said in wonder.

"Do you want to see our spaceship? All you need to do is look at this little stick."

The girl stared at her wand. "Obliviate!"

"Tonks…"

"What? I'm not being mean. Was I supposed to let her think we're aliens? Maybe you'd like to explain the existence of magic to her parents?"

"No, but you could have just told her we were shooting a movie or something. She wouldn't ever suspect that magic is real."

"Magic is real?" came a curious voice.

Both looked down to see the little girl staring between them again.

"Dammit, Harry."

He almost laughed, the tension from their battle with the Aurors draining away. "Sorry. I didn't say a thing about magic until you started talking about aliens."

Tonks smiled. "Nope, honey. Magic isn't real, but the tooth fairy is. Obliviate!"

The girl grew glassy-eyed and then frowned at the strangers in front of her. She cautiously rode her bike away from them.

"Merlin, what a mess," Tonks grumbled, watching her ride away. "Apparating into a muggle neighborhood. If anyone broke the Statute it was them."

"So, er, what happens now?"

She looked at Harry's nearby home. "Just stay in the house for now. You're safe there. Something smells rotten and I'm going to go sort it out. I'll have the Headmaster send Dung to replace me."

He wasn't sure he wanted to know who or what a 'Dung' was. "Right. Well, er, thank you for all your help, Auror Tonks. I appreciate you handling those two guys."

"Just Tonks is fine," she beamed, "and you're welcome. You helped me out quite a bit, you know."

"Aren't we going to be in trouble for that?"

"Nah. Well…a bit, maybe, but hopefully nothing too serious. Madam Bones needs all the competent people she can get, and they _were_ out of line."

He nodded and stuck out his hand to shake hers. She looked at it and grinned.

"We've already fought a battle together, Harry Potter. We're beyond handshakes at this point, aren't we?"

She stepped in for what might have been a hug, but tripped over thin air and tackled Harry to the ground. She landed on top of him with her full weight, knocking the air from his lungs.

He gasped, struggling to breathe, and opened his eyes to see Tonks' face only inches from his. Her eyes were green, he noticed, and she had a few tiny freckles around her nose. He might have been imagining it, but he could have sworn her hair briefly turned a deep shade of red.

She stared into his eyes, seemingly as confused by this turn of events as he was, and he thought for the briefest of moments that she was going to kiss him.

She smirked as if she could read his mind. "Sorry 'bout that, old chap. Must have been the boots."

He swallowed thickly and nodded, a blush forming on his face.

She hoisted herself off him in one quick maneuver. Unfortunately for Harry, this process involved her knee connecting with his groin. There was an audible thump, and his mouth fell open in a soundless scream. He closed his eyes and assumed the fetal position.

Tonks winced and looked down on him with a sympathetic expression. "Oops. Sorry about that. Probably should have been more careful with that knee."

He gasped in response.

"Oh, lighten up. You'll be fine. I know what it's like to get kicked in the bollocks. Just give it a minute. Maybe find an icepack or two if the swelling sticks around."

Harry was in too much pain to inform her that she was a woman and could not, in fact, know what it was like to get kicked in the bollocks.

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"Do I even need to explain to you how badly you've bollocksed this up, Auror Tonks? You have no idea what I just endured. Three hours! Three hours I had to listen to that pompous fool. I barely held on to my job!"

Tonks grimaced at the barely concealed rage in her boss's voice. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't see another option. You know the stakes right now. I couldn't just let them snap his wand."

Amelia Bones adjusted her monocle and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "I know that, and you know that. But the Minister and his pet bulldog couldn't care less. It was all I could do to prevent Potter's arrest."

"So he's, er, not going to be in trouble then?"

Bones shook her head. "No. With your testimony, they'd never get a conviction against him, and they know that. Plus it makes them look bad if there's a suspicion that dementors were truly there."

"Well, that's good, right? What about the little spat with Dawlish and Murphy?"

"He won't be charged, because he was technically defending an Auror and they started it. You, on the other hand…"

Tonks felt her stomach sink. "What about me?"

"There was nothing I could do. They couldn't get Potter's head, so they demanded yours instead."

"I had no choice. I…"

"I know you didn't. You did the right thing. But Fudge is determined to doom us all. You won't be charged, but I've been ordered to dismiss you."

Tonks' hair turned a dull, mousy brown. She had trained hard for three years to become an Auror. Her ambitions were disappearing before her eyes. "So that's it then?" she asked weakly.

"I'm sorry, Tonks," Bones said gently. "I know what a blow this is. But it's well-known that you have a problem with authority. Dawlish demanded your head on a platter and the Minister agreed with him."

She slumped in her chair, her hair seeming to wilt around her face.

"Now, none of that," Bones said. "This is not as bad as it seems. When we can prove that monster is back, I'll quietly reinstate you. Until then, however…"

"Until then I'm out of a job."

"Yes and no," Bones answered with the hint of a smile. "Officially you are no longer a member of the Auror department. Unofficially, I have another assignment for you. Off the books."

Tonks hair slowly returned to a vibrant pink. "Oh, yeah?"

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Harry spent the next three days isolated in his room, nursing his sore nethers and worrying over the Ministry's expulsion notice. They had been slandering him all summer, and now they had an excuse to finish the job. He didn't know what he would do if he faced actual charges for fighting with Aurors. He hadn't seen any other option at the time, but now nightmare scenarios about a cell in Azkaban were taunting him. He could only hope Dumbledore would come to his rescue.

He had received an owl from Arthur Weasley of all people, telling him not to worry and that the Headmaster had the whole situation in hand. That was mildly reassuring, but the lack of information since then had perturbed him. It seemed popular these days to leave him in the dark, even when he encountered random dementors on walks.

This new disaster did nothing to ease the misery he had been feeling since Cedric Diggory's death. He knew he wasn't responsible, but he couldn't help feeling guilty. If only he had been more selfish, or more skilled, Cedric might still be alive. His performance against that Auror had driven the point home. He would have been overwhelmed without Tonks' presence. How was he supposed to fight against Death Eaters and Dark Lords?

He wanted to be doing something—anything—to oppose Voldemort. Instead he was stuck in Privet Drive, unable to use magic or even communicate with his friends. He couldn't even talk to his so-called bodyguards. He had tried interrogating random places in the yard—even whispering a hesitant 'Dung' or two—before finally giving up.

When some new information finally arrived, it didn't come in the form he was expecting.

Harry heard a commotion downstairs and then a shriek from his Aunt Petunia. He thought he heard the word 'freaks' and 'giraffe,' but he wasn't certain. He collected his wand and aimed it at his bedroom door, not knowing whether to expect dementors, Death Eaters, or Aurors come to arrest him.

Heavy steps sounded on the stairs. Surprisingly, a polite knock on his door followed.

"Erm, who is it?" he called out.

"It's the Death Eaters calling to take you out for tea," a muffled female voice answered.

"Tonks!" he heard someone hiss, followed by a snicker.

Harry sighed and lowered his wand. "Come in."

The door opened and three people peered around his room curiously. In the center was Tonks, the Auror whose knee he had become intimately acquainted with. Flanking her were Remus Lupin and Alastor Moody. Hopefully the real one. His magical eye spun wildly, scanning the room for threats.

His former Defense professor—the one with a lycanthropy problem—grinned. "Hello, Harry. We're here to spring you from your prison."

"Damn straight," agreed Tonks. "Time for you to leave this tip. Pack your things."

"Really? I'm leaving? Are we going to the Burrow?"

Lupin smiled. "No. We can't tell you where it is until we get there, but you'll be safe. Padfoot and your friends will be there."

"Oh, thank God. Let's get out of here."

Tonks frowned as she looked around the room. There was nothing but a battered trunk, a beat-up desk covered with parchment and books, a bed more appropriate for an 8-year-old, an empty owl cage, and a dresser with clothes hanging out of it.

"Merlin, Harry, you need to work on your decorating skills."

"Yeah, well, I'd like to see you decorate a room with nothing in it."

He dragged his trunk into the center of the room and began piling things haphazardly into it. Only his invisibility cloak did he treat with anything like care.

Everyone looked on with bemusement.

"If you'll allow me, Harry…" Tonks interrupted.

He looked up at her.

She flourished her wand and yelled ' _Pack_!'

Virtually everything left in the room flew in a wide circle around him. Then it all tried to converge on his trunk at once. Most of his clothes, plus books, parchment, a ruined globe, and old food crumbs battled for supremacy. The result was that half of it spilled out of the trunk and onto the floor, leaving a bigger mess than the one he was trying to clean up.

He pulled a pair of his underpants from around his face and glared at Tonks. "I thought you were supposed to be one of the competent ones."

She shrugged. "I always was pants at household charms, no pun intended. Good thing you don't need them to catch bad guys, eh?"

Harry sighed and finished packing by hand.

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He got his third experience with a portkey soon afterwards, and it wasn't more pleasant than the first two. The group landed on a sidewalk in a neighborhood that had clearly seen better days. He looked around curiously, wondering how their sudden appearance didn't violate the Statute of Secrecy. What if some muggle had been looking out a window?

Moody handed him a scrap of parchment. "Read this, lad, and be quick about it."

He scanned it quickly. "What's the Order of the Phoenix?"

"We'll tell you inside. No telling who has eyes and ears out here."

Harry looked up and saw a massive, three-story Victorian townhouse appear out nowhere. It seemed to squeeze its neighbors out of the way. One look at it and he was certain he didn't want to go in there. No muggle haunted house had ever approached such authentic levels of creepiness.

Tonks grinned at his expression. "Welcome to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. Not much to look at, I know, but wait till you see the inside. It's even worse."

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 **A/N** : Hope you enjoyed the intro. This will be a mix of adventure and comedy, and should run for about 30 chapters. I'll hopefully be updating every 10 days or so.

Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 2:**

Harry entered 12 Grimmauld Place with his escorts and looked around curiously. Tonks hadn't been kidding. They were only in the entrance hall, and he already felt creeped out. Everything was ancient blackened wood with blood-red décor and gaudy silver trinkets. Sinister shadows seemed to loom everywhere.

The movie industry would have paid through the nose to film here.

Tonks laughed at the look on his face and led him into the house. "Told you so. This place is—oof!"

She tripped over what appeared to be a troll leg and sprawled onto the ground. Harry could have sworn it wasn't there moments before.

"Bugger! You'll pay for that, you little bastard!" she yelled into the house's interior.

Harry glanced uneasily at Moody and Lupin. He could hear something laughing in response to Tonks' outrage, its voice echoing throughout the house. Just what kind of place had they moved him to?

"Harry!"

He barely had time to look up before a bushy-haired witch plowed into him, sending both of them tumbling to the ground.

He smacked the back of his head on the wooden floor and groaned. He was again flat on his back with a shocked female staring into his eyes.

"Hermione?" he asked groggily.

"Er…sorry, Harry. I was just happy to see you."

She gingerly stood up, giving him an odd look when he covered his manhood with his hands.

"Just making sure they didn't take another hit," he muttered.

Tonks snickered above him. "Something I should know about, Harry? I thought I was the only witch allowed to lie on top of you."

He glared at her as he stood up and dusted himself off. "Where are we?"

"There he is!" he heard his godfather shout.

Sirius Black entered from a side room and smiled at his godson.

"Welcome to the Ancient and Most Decrepit House of Black! Watch out for sentient mold and mad house elves. Otherwise, make yourself at home!"

He smiled as Sirius stepped forward to hug him. Their brief reunion was interrupted by a loud shriek, almost causing him to draw his wand.

"More mudbloods! More filth! How dare you defile my home?! Kreacher! Dine on their entrails!"

Harry stared in shock at a portrait hanging on the wall. It depicted a deranged, middle-aged witch dressed in green and silver robes. She was pointing her wand at them and seething with rage. An ancient-looking house elf popped into existence beneath her.

"Kreacher is here, Mistress! Should he disembowel them with the dull blades or the sharp ones?"

"Dull! Make them scream. Especially the hairy female."

The wizened elf grinned evilly at Hermione. She swallowed and stared him down.

"I know you can't hurt me," she said uncertainly.

"Kreacher!" Sirius barked. "I ordered you to stop talking about murdering people!"

The elf grabbed its ears and pulled. "Kreacher wants to gut them, Mistress, but Kreacher has been forbidden. Bad Master is bad."

"No, he isn't, Kreacher," Hermione insisted. "We're trying to help you be a happier elf. You just need to listen to us."

"Do not speak to my elf, mudblood," the painting hissed. "Your very presence shames my house. You look like your mother mated with a hamster. You should breed with the werewolf and be done with it."

Lupin looked mortified. Tonks patted him on the arm.

"Says the batty old hag who married into her own family!" Hermione yelled. "You're the poster child for incest, literally!"

The portrait grinned demonically and was about to retort, when Sirius forced her curtains closed with his wand.

Harry looked between them in disbelief. He had only been here for several minutes, and already everyone seemed to have gone insane. "What the bloody hell was that?"

Sirius sighed. "That…was my lovely mother. Or what's left of her. Try not to wake her when you pass by. Being dead hasn't improved her personality."

Kreacher growled at him. "Bad Master shouldn't speak ill of Mistress. Bad Master might accidentally choke in his sleep."

"And this charming little fellow is Kreacher," Sirius continued. "He's mad as a hatter and he likes my mother. The less said about that the better. Kreacher, you are not allowed to murder anyone in their sleep. No disemboweling. Do you understand?"

"Kreacher understands that unnatural master likes to lay with hippogriffs."

"Go away now. Find something to clean."

"Bad Master didn't forbid impaling," the elf muttered mutinously before he popped away.

"He, er, can't really can't hurt anyone, can he?" Harry asked.

"Nah, don't worry about him," his godfather replied. "He's got very strict orders and can't disobey them. He just likes to get mouthy."

Tonks laughed. "You'll get used to him, Harry. You should see the house elf heads mounted on the wall. Mad little bugger dearly wants to join them. I think he's trying to provoke Sirius into doing it."

"I still say you should grant him his wish," grumbled Moody. "He's a security risk."

Harry wondered if he might have been safer at the Dursley's than in this madhouse.

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It took half an hour for Sirius to give him the grand tour. Harry's impression of the place only grew worse. The Weasleys and Hermione had already been there for a week, attempting to make the abandoned old house habitable. It didn't look like they had made much headway.

Sirius hugged him again after they returned to the ground floor. "It's really good to see you, kid. I was worried when I heard you were attacked. We both know how bloody awful dementors are."

"It wasn't pleasant. I'm just happy no one got kissed. It was a close thing."

"I know you can handle yourself, but I'm glad my cousin was there. She spoke highly of your patronus."

"Your cousin?"

"Er, Nymphadora Tonks? The Auror?"

"Oh, she just said to call her Tonks. I didn't realize she was your cousin."

He smiled widely. "She is, and just call her Nymphadora. No need to be so formal with her when she's not working."

Harry nodded. He missed the glint in his godfather's eye.

"I've got a special mirror to give you before you head off to school. Don't let me forget. It will help us keep in touch."

"A mirror?"

"A little creation of mine and your father's. We made it to talk in detentions, but we can use it to communicate while you're away."

"That sounds great!"

"It's a brilliant piece of magic, if I do say so myself. You've got to promise me to use it though. I'll go stir crazy in this place without company. Hippogriffs and house elves aren't much good for conversation."

Harry laughed. "I imagine they aren't. I'll definitely use it."

"Plus I want to hear all the details about how many broom closets you manage to find. I can tell you all about our escapades back in the day."

"Er, right."

Sirius beamed at him. "Well, we'll have plenty of time to catch up. You should head upstairs and find your friends. I know they're eager to talk to you."

Harry had barely set foot on the staircase when Sirius called out again.

"One other thing, Harry. Don't use the bathroom on the third floor."

"Why not?"

"You don't want to know. I promise."

"Right."

"And don't go in the attic," Sirius added. "There's a pretty nasty ghoul."

"Okay."

"Oh, and you should probably stay out of the library when you're alone too. It's good to take back-up, just in case."

"Do I want to know why?"

"Well, some of the books like to scream and, er, bite people. One of them bleeds. We still haven't found all the doxy nests either."

Harry stared at him. "What in Merlin's name was wrong with your family?"

"Aside from all the inbreeding, insanity, bigotry, and evil? Nothing."

"How did you turn out alright?"

Sirius grinned. "Who says I did?"

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Harry was never more relieved to find himself alone with Hermione and Ron. They were in a bedroom that he was to share with Ron, and thankfully it didn't appear to contain anything that desired to kill him.

"So, now that I've successfully shamed you for not writing to me, what else has been happening?"

Ron and Hermione had the grace to look abashed. They hadn't wanted to keep him incommunicado, but they hadn't wanted to circumvent Dumbledore's orders either.

"Not much, mate," Ron answered. "Mum's been driving us spare about cleaning this awful house, and Hermione's been driving me spare about doing my homework and helping house elves."

"Helping house elves?"

Ron grinned at Hermione. "She hasn't given up on SPEW yet. She thinks that insane thing downstairs just needs some tender loving care and it will start hugging everyone."

Hermione glared at him. "Kreacher was mistreated by his family. And he's been locked up in this house with only that deranged harpy for company. We should show him what it means to be treated with respect."

"It told you it wanted to roast your liver and feed it to Buckbeak, Hermione. The bloody thing should be put out of its misery."

Harry cut her off before her indignant glare could become an indignant rant. "Er, I meant more on the Voldemort front. What's happening there?"

"They won't tell us anything," Ron answered bitterly. "Fred and George have been trying to listen in on meetings, but they haven't learned much. Mum won't let us join."

"I'm sure they have it well in hand. Dumbledore is leading the Order, after all," Hermione argued.

"Dumbledore also let me get kidnapped right underneath his nose. I'm telling you, we need to do something on our own to fight back. The Ministry is telling everyone I'm a liar."

"I know, Harry," Hermione said gently. "We'll figure something out. I'm sure the Headmaster will help us. Just focus on staying safe and studying hard. I've drawn us up a study schedule for OWLs that will make—"

"Oh Merlin, stop with the OWLs," Ron groaned. "School hasn't even started yet."

"Ronald, this is an important year. You know how essential OWLs are to our future."

"So you keep telling me. Every day."

Hermione huffed, but Harry smiled at their bickering. It was one of the few things in his life he could count on. It made him feel oddly comfortable, even if he was in a house that would definitely give him nightmares.

A knock on the door interrupted Hermione before she could further scold Ron about his laziness. Sirius poked his head in.

"Everybody got their clothes on? Dinner is ready if you want to eat."

Hermione blushed as the boys eagerly followed him out the door.

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Dinner, it turned out, was a much larger affair than Harry expected. The kitchen hosted a massive oak table that could easily seat twenty people. Its spaces were filled by a host of Weasleys, Remus, Sirius, and a couple members of the Order that he didn't know.

Kreacher stood in the corner and glared at everyone as they helped themselves. Harry gorged himself on grilled chicken and potatoes while trying to pump the room for information.

"And there's really nothing more you can tell us, sir?" he inquired of Arthur Weasley.

"I'm sorry, Harry. Some things must remain secret. Just know that we're doing everything we can to counter V-Voldemort."

Harry frowned and dug his knife into his chicken a little harder than was necessary.

"There really isn't much more to say," Remus said. "We're recruiting people, gathering intelligence, and protecting some valuable resources. He hasn't made any big moves yet."

"Except for attacking me every day in the press. They've started implying that I murdered Cedric."

"Sadly, that's just Fudge," Sirius replied. "He's terrified that you're telling the truth. Man's got the spine of a flobberworm."

Hermione patted him reassuringly. "Everyone will know you were right in the end. It will work out."

He shrugged. "It's nothing new, I suppose. I'm a hero one day and a villain the next. It seems to depend on the weather."

No one seemed certain how to pull Harry out of his tetchy mood. Now that he had arrived at Order headquarters, he was annoyed that more wasn't being done to counter Voldemort.

"At least you're not facing charges for the dementor thing, mate," Ron put in. "They got that shut down right quick."

"That's true, I suppose. I really was worried I was going to be expelled. Or maybe worse."

"Bad bit of business, that," Mr. Weasley agreed. "Fudge and his staff did try to force a trial, but Director Bones wouldn't let them get around the testimony of an Auror. We're lucky Miss Tonks was there."

"Have they figured out why dementors were even in my neighborhood?"

"They're barely investigating," Remus replied. "It seems the Aurors are being stonewalled everywhere they turn. They—"

"Enough about this business," Molly insisted, cutting him off. "It's not suitable conversation for dinner. Have some more potatoes, Harry. You need to put some meat on your bones."

"Nasty half-blood should choke on his food. Maybe Kreacher poisoned it," the elf muttered from his corner.

"Kreacher, stop skulking. Find something useful to do," Sirius ordered.

"Should Kreacher prepare a blood pudding for tomorrow? Kreacher could use the mudblood if he shaves its furry head. Kreacher's tools are sharpened."

Hermione flinched and Sirius sighed. "Leave!"

The elf grinned and popped away.

Harry looked between everyone uncertainly. "Er, he didn't prepare this meal, did he?"

Sirius smirked. "Why, is it not to your liking? Arsenic is supposed to be tasteless."

Harry frowned at his plate.

"Relax, Harry. I wouldn't feed one of Kreacher's meals to Filch's cat. Molly cooked this."

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Harry, Ron, and Hermione spent the next two weeks battling the house. Years of grime and dark magic residue had left an unsettling pall hanging over everything, and the house itself thwarted their efforts to clean it. Even Molly Weasley was getting frustrated. She had initially forbidden them from using their wands, but an encounter with a doxy swarm and some mold that laughed at them had changed her mind.

Now they were permitted to use their wands, so long as they limited themselves to cleaning spells. They still weren't allowed to touch anything unless Remus or Sirius examined it first. So far they had discovered several items of cursed jewelry, a book that seemed to have flatulence, and an ugly teddy bear that screamed every time someone touched it. Nobody wanted to speculate on its purpose.

Kreacher had watched them the entire time, musing aloud about ways to murder them and hide their bodies. Harry didn't understand why Sirius kept him around. He had now met three house elves, and each was insane in a different way.

He sighed as he sent a scourgify at a particularly nasty growth of black mold on the wallpaper. The trio was yet again trying to beat back the darkness that permeated the house.

"God, this place is spooky," he muttered.

The whole house creaked ominously in response.

He glanced at Hermione, who was just as frustrated as he was with their daily chores. "You don't think this place is _alive_ , do you?"

She shrugged. "Not properly, but old magical places can develop a personality. Do you really think those stairs at Hogwarts are spelled to move? Not even wizards are that crazy."

He resolved then and there to never irritate sentient buildings. Tracking mud into the castle after quidditch practice suddenly seemed very unwise. He didn't want to know how Grimmauld Place would retaliate if he genuinely hurt its feelings.

"Oh, Merlin, I think it's growing back," Ron said from his place along the wall.

"What?"

Hermione peered closely at the spot that Ron was attempting to clean. "Oh, God, it is."

Ron glared at the wall hatefully. "I think the bloody thing likes being filthy. We should burn it all to the ground."

The house creaked again and Hermione shivered. "We need cursebreakers for this job."

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"Is there any other business before us?" Dumbledore inquired.

The assembled Order members looked around at each other. It was the last meeting before the start of the school year. They were squeezed into the kitchen, and none wished to stay longer than necessary.

"Very well. Until next time, stay vigilant. Nymphadora, remain behind. Remus, please send in our young friends."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the room as soon as the meeting had dispersed. They looked curiously between the Headmaster and Tonks. Harry hadn't seen much of her since their encounter with the dementors, though he had noticed that she seemed a little glum.

"You wished to see us, Professor?" he asked.

"Indeed I did, Harry. Come, have a seat with us."

Dumbledore watched them impassively as they sat. "There will be a situation at Hogwarts this year that will affect the three of you. It is not something that I can prevent, alas, so it will require some patience on your part."

"What's going on, sir?" Hermione asked.

"As you know, Miss Tonks here is an Auror, or rather she was…"

"Wait, what?" Harry interrupted, staring at Tonks. "You mean you got fired over that?"

She made an awkward face but didn't appear to be overly concerned. "Unpaid leave, more like, until we can prove Voldemort is back. Don't worry about it. I'll be okay."

"Indeed," Dumbledore agreed. "She has a new assignment, though it will not be officially sanctioned."

Tonks grinned at them. "I'm going to be your bodyguard this year, Harry."

"Er, bodyguard?"

"That's right. I'll be taking classes with you, sleeping in your bed, following you into the loo…"

"Nymphadora," the Headmaster chided.

"Don't call me that, sir! I'm just teasing them. You can't expect me to act like Moody when I'm around them. People would smell something fishy a mile away."

"I still expect you to take your assignment seriously."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course."

"Why do I need a bodyguard?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore sighed. "Director Bones has decided, given the return of Voldemort and the attempt on your life, that you need extra protection this year. I have assured her that all of you are perfectly safe at Hogwarts, but she is insistent. I do not wish to antagonize an ally."

"So I'm going to have an Auror hovering over me every waking moment?"

"Not exactly. Miss Tonks has some special abilities that she will explain to you shortly."

"That's right. I'll be posing as a Hogwarts student and taking classes with you."

Ron looked at her oddly. "Er, no offense, Tonks, but you look a bit older than 15."

Dumbledore rose on creaky knees. "And that's my cue. I am needed elsewhere, and Miss Tonks will be able to explain the details to you. I want you to remember that her abilities are to be kept a secret. I know this might seem intrusive, but I expect you to be accommodating to her presence and to obey her orders, should there be an emergency."

"Of course, sir," Harry answered for them.

Dumbledore smiled at the trio and gave Tonks a curt nod, which she returned. They watched him leave.

Harry looked at her curiously now that they were alone. "So how are you going to pass as a student?"

"What, you don't think I can pull it off? I'm only 21, you know. I watched you lot get sorted as wee firsties."

Hermione examined her face. "You were a seventh year when we were sorted? What house?"

"Hufflepuff and proud of it."

"I'm surprised we didn't notice you."

"Well, I looked a bit different then. I can change my appearance, you see. Allow me to introduce you to the newest student at Hogwarts, the lovely Miss Violet Blackwell."

Tonks stood up and her body suddenly transformed before their eyes. She lost two inches in height, her hair grew to her shoulders, her skin darkened perceptibly, and her facial features changed to make her appear younger. There was only the slightest resemblance to the person they knew as Nymphadora Tonks.

"Bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed. "How did you do that?"

Tonks grinned. "I'm a metamorphmagus. A very special one. Most of us can only make little changes here and there, but I can change everything. As far as I know, I'm the only one who can, so you need to keep your mouth shut."

"That's amazing," Hermione whispered.

"Thank you. Only a handful of people know outside of you, so I mean it – no blabbing."

"We won't say a word," promised Harry. "So that's what you'll look like at Hogwarts?"

"Right you are. Miss Blackwell is a vivacious muggleborn witch who's been tutored privately up till now. She's been sorted into Gryffindor as a fifth year as luck would have it."

"Muggleborns can have private tutors?!" Hermione almost shouted. "Why didn't I know this?"

Tonks blinked at her tone. "Er, it's rare, but sometimes muggle parents don't want to send their kids to Hogwarts. The Ministry has a list of tutors for a few subjects."

"So I could have a private tutor over the summer, just to be clear," she said insistently.

"Maybe, I suppose, if you got approval, but why would you want to?"

Hermione huffed and crossed her arms while Tonks stared at her in confusion.

"So, er, who else can you turn into?" Ron said into the awkward silence.

Tonks smiled and morphed again. An exact replica of Harry Potter stood before them.

"Anyone I want, but it's hard to get the little details right sometimes."

Even the voice sounded accurate, and it sent a shiver down Harry's spine.

"In case you're wondering, I could go streaking down the halls in your body any time I wanted, so it's best to stay on my good side. I'm sure a nudie picture of The-Boy-Who-Lived would sell for a fortune."

"Don't you dare!" Harry said. Tonks winked in return.

Hermione stared at her in fascination. "You're like a human polyjuice potion. I want to do some experiments."

"Easy there, tiger. I won't be your lab rat, but you can ask some questions. We'll be spending plenty of time together at Hogwarts."

She returned to her normal form, and Harry sighed in relief. It was just bizarre looking at someone else inhabiting his body.

"So you're going to introduce yourself to us at school and become our new best friend or something?" he asked.

"Hermione's new friend, to be precise. Well, at first. She'll meet me outside the Hogwarts Express and take me under her wing, new muggleborn witch and all that. She'll of course have to introduce me to her best friends."

"And we're the only ones who will know it's really you?" Hermione asked.

"Almost. McGonagall and Snape will know, since they're Order members. But that's about it."

Ron shook his head. "We have to tell the twins. Maybe Ginny too. They'll cotton on right away that something is off, and they won't let it go."

"Are you sure they won't buy my cover story?"

"You don't know the twins like we do. Plus, there's the map. If they see you on it…"

"What map?"

"The Marauder's Map," Harry answered. "Sirius, Remus, my dad, and that…other person made a map of Hogwarts. You can see where every person in the castle is."

"Now that sounds impressive. I need this map, Harry. It will help me do my job."

"We, er, need it to stay out of trouble."

"I'm not going to keep you from visiting broom closets with your many admirers. I can be your lookout whenever you're up to no good."

"I don't use it for that," he said uncomfortably.

"Why not? Merlin, I would have abused the hell out of an artifact like that."

He blushed, and she laughed at the look on his face. "You mean to tell me that Harry Potter isn't being pulled into every available broom closet by ravenous witches?"

Hermione came to his defense. "He's been busy with more important things."

"Like staying alive," he muttered.

Tonks looked both amused and bewildered. "Well, looks like I've got a secondary mission then: finding some unlucky young witches who are willing to snog the most eligible bachelor in Britain."

He blushed an even deeper red.

"I don't need your help."

"We'll see."

"Hermione takes different classes than us," Ron put in. "What are you going to do when we're separated?"

"I'll be taking Harry's classes, of course, but I'll need to stick like glue to Hermione for a few weeks. We have to make this believable. That means both of you have to be with us too."

Both Harry and Ron winced. "Even in the library?"

"Especially in the library!" Hermione answered. "You could both stand to spend more time there."

Tonks looked between them. "What am I missing?"

Harry nudged Hermione with his shoulder. "Our little bookworm spends entirely too much time in the library. If we stick to her all day, we might as well pitch a tent in there."

Hermione stuck her nose in the air proudly. "It's our OWL year, and I will _not_ do poorly on my exams."

Tonks sighed. "I don't really want to spend too much time in the library either."

"Tough. My new bestie should like the same things I do."

"So what do you do for fun then?"

Hermione turned a little pink. "I, er, read."

"What else?"

There was a long moment of silence as she contemplated the question.

"Oh, Merlin," Tonks said under her breath, and Harry and Ron tried not to laugh.

"I'm not _that_ bad," Hermione said. "I spend time in the common room too. My studies are important to me, unlike some people."

Ron shook his head. "Gone round the twist already."

"Oh, be quiet. She could help you on your assignments and give me a rest. She's done all of this before."

"I'll help, but if you think I'm writing essays again, you're insane. I'll figure out a way to cheat. Maybe I'll copy off Harry."

"I am not spending every free moment in the library," Ron insisted. "You're on your own, Harry."

Harry glanced apologetically at Hermione. "Are you sure you can't split your time with us, Tonks? We could go flying every afternoon."

"Can't do it. People would think we were dating, and I'd get too much scrutiny. I might even be forced to kiss you in the middle of Hogsmeade, and no one wants that."

She laughed at Harry's wince. "It will only be until I've established an identity. But I think we have another goal for the year: get Hermione to live a little, if only to retain our collective sanity."

"It looks like I'm the only sane one here, thank you very much," she replied.

Tonks ignored her and gave them all a predatory grin. She sat back down at the table and rubbed her hands together.

"Okay, so…give me all the good stuff. I need to know who your friends are, who your enemies are, who's snogging who, and who's shagging who—purely for intelligence gathering, of course."

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The trio spent the last two days of vacation finishing their summer assignments. Hermione was exasperated with Ron's half-hearted efforts, but that didn't stop her from spending hours of her free time demonstrating exactly where he had missed the mark.

Tonks showed up again to gather more information, but Hermione monopolized most of their time with questions of her own. What were the limits of her abilities? Did she have a base form? Could she change her DNA? What would happen if someone drank a polyjuice potion containing one of her hairs?

Tonks laughed and evaded most of the questions, accusing her of being a spy for the Unspeakables. She wasn't even certain of the answers to some. She much preferred to entertain them all with pig snouts and house elf eyes. When that led to further questions about anatomy, she morphed into Hermione and showed everyone what her interrogator would look like with platinum-blonde hair and an enormous chest. Hermione got the message and refrained from the more intrusive questions.

Tonks continued to be a bit bewildered by Harry. She had expected him to be somewhat arrogant, having grown up as The-Boy-Who-Lived. That he didn't take advantage of his fame was a surprise. He seemed barely able to tolerate it, even when he wasn't being slandered in the press. He spent much of his time in brooding silence, worried about things that no teenager should have to consider.

She vowed to do something about that when they arrived at Hogwarts. Her assignment may be a serious one, but that didn't mean she couldn't have a little fun with it.

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 **A/N** : Yes, I know I made Tonks a year younger than she is in canon. Hope you're enjoying the story so far. I'd love to hear what you think.

(I edited the fight in chapter one and added a scene with Bones, plus a bit of clarification about how a muggleborn could have a tutor outside of Hogwarts. Seems plausible enough to me. Thanks to Dicra, Zenzao, Inert and others at DLP for their valuable feedback).


	3. Chapter 3

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 3:**

"Alright, Hermione. Ready to do this?"

"Let's do it, _Violet_. I believe we've spent enough time out here to make it convincing."

"Agreed. Let's find your mates."

The pair had been conversing on the platform outside the Hogwarts Express, pretending to meet each other for the first time. Hermione had spoken loudly about the glories of Hogwarts to the fascinated new muggleborn. Enough people had given them curious glances to establish some rumors.

They moved quickly toward the back of the train, where they expected Harry and Ron to have found a compartment. Students along the way gave Violet odd looks—she did, after all, have purple hair—but they reached their goal without incident. Harry and Ron were sitting in a compartment with Neville Longbottom and a dotty-looking blonde girl that Hermione had never met.

She opened the compartment door to introduce Violet to the group.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Violet Blackwell. She's a new muggleborn student, and she'll be in our year. I invited her to sit with us if that's alright."

There were, of course, polite murmurs of agreement. Pleasantries were exchanged by all, and Ron and Harry pretended to meet Violet for the first time too.

Tonks sat down between Hermione and the blonde girl they now knew to be Luna Lovegood. Luna was wearing a pair of odd-looking tinted glasses and reading a magazine upside down, her wand tucked behind her ear. She seemed content to read now that she had been introduced to the newcomers.

Hermione sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"

"Er, sorry about that," Neville answered. "I was showing off my new plant. It got a little excited and sprayed stinksap everywhere. I think we cleaned it all up."

"Oh. No problem." Hermione eyed the cactus-like plant he held in his lap with a bit of suspicion. It seemed to be breathing. She had seen more than her fair share of sentient plant-life cleaning up Grimmauld Place.

"Where's Ginny?" she asked.

"She went searching for her friends," Harry replied, "though Ron thinks she's chasing some bloke in Ravenclaw."

"Michael Corner was making eyes at her. He better watch his step or I'll send the twins after him."

"She's perfectly capable of handling herself, Ron," Hermione said.

Ron muttered in response. Harry was just relieved that Ginny seemed to be over her awkward crush on him. He didn't want to know what Tonks would say if she found out. They had managed to keep that information from her during her earlier interrogation.

Everyone settled in as the train started moving. Tonks turned her attention to Harry. "So you're The-Boy-Who-Lived, eh?"

"Er, yes."

She grinned. "You're a scrawny little fellow, aren't you? I thought you'd be bigger."

Harry blinked in surprise, while Ron coughed to stifle his laughter.

"That's not very polite, Violet," Hermione murmured. It suddenly dawned on her that they were at the mercy of Tonks in this situation. She could embarrass them as much as she wanted and they couldn't do anything about it.

Tonks winked at her. "Oh, I don't mean any harm. We all know size doesn't matter as long as the wizard knows how to use his wand. Don't you agree, Luna?"

Luna looked up from her reading and regarded Harry thoughtfully. "I suppose so. Of course, Harry has one of the biggest wrackspurts I've ever seen. It looks a little uncomfortable."

There was a long moment of silence as everyone stared at Luna. Tonks fought to not burst out laughing.

"What exactly is a wrackspurt?" Hermione said with narrowed eyes.

"I always think of them as a species of invisible eggplant creatures," she answered dreamily, "but their size varies. I think they're attracted to chaos. They like to make people feel confused."

"And how do you see them if they're invisible?"

"With my spectrespecs, of course, but you can train yourself to see clearly without them."

Ron rolled his eyes and muttered 'loony' under his breath, while Neville tried his best to pretend the conversation wasn't happening.

Tonks regarded her with an amused smile. "I have to admit, those are some pretty wicked looking specs."

Luna smiled serenely. "Thank you. My daddy invented them. Did you know you have a wigglewampus inside you?"

"Er, no I didn't. Is that a bad thing?"

"Oh, it depends, of course. Professor Moody had one following him around last year. But he wasn't really Professor Moody, was he? Are you really Violet Blackwell?"

Tonks glanced at the others. "Last time I checked."

"You should be fine then."

"That's good to know. Do you suppose I could borrow your glasses for a moment?"

"Sure. If you'd like your own, you get a free pair with a subscription to _The Quibbler_. It's the only news source that isn't controlled by the Ministry, you know."

Luna handed her spectrespecs to Tonks, who donned them and smiled goofily at the rest of the compartment.

"How do I look?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Like a wigglewampus with sunglasses."

Tonks pretended to examine people with the glasses' mysterious powers. "Oh, I see what you mean, Luna. These are awesome. Harry Potter really does have a huge wrackspurt, doesn't he? And Ron's a true ginger."

Harry and Ron stared at her, nonplussed. Neville crossed his legs uncomfortably. Tonks just smiled at them.

Hermione stood up, trying to ignore Tonks' silliness. "While this is all _fascinating_ , we need to go to the prefect's meeting. Let's go, Ron. I don't want to be late."

He sighed. "Fine. I still don't understand why I have to do this. It should have been Harry or Neville. Now I have to yell at people for breaking the rules. _Percy_ bloody congratulated me."

"It's supposed to be an honor. You should be proud. Now let's go."

Ron and Hermione departed for their meeting. Harry used the time to catch up with Neville, who seemed to have spent the whole summer in his greenhouses. He was relieved that the shy boy seemed to believe his claims about Voldemort. Harry figured he was going to need all the loyal friends he could get.

While he chatted with Neville, Tonks returned Luna's glasses and attempted to make conversation with her. Luna talked her into a Quibbler subscription within five minutes. If nothing else, she supposed, it would be good for a laugh. And those specs were pretty cool, even if they didn't allow you to see through clothes.

Thirty minutes later, the door to the compartment slid open, admitting a grim-faced Ron and a frazzled-looking Hermione.

"I can't _believe_ the Headmaster allowed Draco Malfoy to be a prefect," she complained. "He won't even try to be unbiased."

Ron just glowered, clearly not liking the idea any better. Harry and Neville exchanged looks. Draco Malfoy in a position of authority did not bode well for any of them.

Moments later the compartment door slammed open. A smirking Draco and his two hangers-on entered and looked around. "Well, this is quite a collection of misfits, isn't it? I suppose it's best to quarantine you all from the respectable students of Hogwarts."

"We _just_ saw you, Malfoy," Ron sneered. "Can't get enough of our company?"

Draco sneered right back. "I daresay you'll be seeing more of me than you wish to, Weasel. Things are going to be different this year."

"And this one is Draco Malfoy," Harry said loudly to Tonks. "You'll want to ignore him. He's not the right sort."

'Violet Blackwell' looked the Malfoy scion up and down speculatively. He seemed to notice her for the first time.

"So he's got a thing for ginger boys, then? There's no need to insult his sexual preferences, Harry. Although the obsession with hair care might be a bit much."

"What?!" Malfoy hissed. "Who are you?"

Tonks stood up and extended a hand to him. "Violet Blackwell, at your service."

Malfoy just stared at it. "I am not aware of that surname, Miss _Blackwell_."

She tilted her head. "I guess that makes us square. I've never heard of the Mayflowers either."

"Malfoy. My name is Draco _Malfoy_."

"Okay. Malfoy—Draco Malfoy. You might want to lay off the Bond films, yeah? Plus Bond chases after the birds, not ginger boys."

He tried to form a scathing retort, but he was too confused. Ron looked like he might be ill.

"Oh, dear," Luna chimed in, staring back and forth between Draco and Ron with her glasses. "He has a giant wrackspurt hovering over him now. So does Ronald."

Malfoy blinked and looked above his head cautiously. The whole cabin snickered.

Tonks smiled. "Do they look flaming and ready to burst?"

Luna leaned forward to examine them. "I suppose they could be flaming. It might get messy if one bursts."

Malfoy looked back and forth between Luna and Tonks. He couldn't seem to decide where to direct his anger.

"You'll regret this, Blackwell. I do not tolerate insults from mudbloods."

"So you'll tolerate them from purebloods? That's a rather limp-wristed policy. You _should_ have told me that I would rue the day I crossed you. And when you leave you should think of a convoluted plan to drop me in a vat full of sharks."

The blonde boy stared at her as if she were a talking dog. "Come, Crabbe. Come, Goyle. The air in this compartment is rank."

The trio of Slytherins retreated out of the compartment. Tonks moved to close the door behind them, but not before shouting one last remark down the corridor.

"It was a pleasure to meet you, Mayflower! Maybe we can share hair care tips sometime."

The compartment erupted in laughter. She sat back down with a huge grin on her face.

"Well, that was fun."

Ron stared at her in disbelief. "I think I love you, Blackwell."

"That's a shame, because I'm not into gingers. We can still be friends though. You can paint my toenails."

Even Hermione giggled at Ron's expression.

Tonks disregarded Ron and looked at Luna curiously. "I really need a pair of those specs, Luna. Tell me more about wrackspurts."

Neville stared at them all in bewilderment. He had never been the closest of friends with Harry's little trio, but he had never seen them be so open with anyone else, especially not someone they had just met.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other and grinned. Malfoy had been so confounded by Tonks that he had forgotten to even address the two of them. The year was looking up already.

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Harry, Tonks, Ron, and Hermione seated themselves at the Gryffindor table. A few people had introduced themselves to Violet, but most were glaring at Harry or giving him a wide berth.

"Merlin, Harry," Tonks whispered. "I thought I just needed to keep an eye on Malfoy and his lot. Half the school seems to hate you."

"That's what happens when you show up out of nowhere holding the dead body of your classmate," he replied grimly.

She shook her head. "Bloody idiots. Best to keep a sharp eye. Tell me if somebody looks at you funny."

"Everybody's looking at me funny."

"Then tell me if somebody looks at you funny with a wand in their hand. I barely know who any of these kids are."

They all sat and clapped politely as the new students were sorted. Tonks had forgotten just how boring the ceremony actually was. Dumbledore rose to give his start-of-school speech. It was exactly as she expected, though less than she had hoped for. Her eyes scanned the inhabitants at the Head table, watching their reactions, and she groaned. "Oh, Merlin, I can't believe it."

"What?" Hermione whispered.

"I'll tell you later."

She had, of course, noticed Dolores Umbridge's presence in the room. But it wouldn't do for her to seem too knowledgeable in public.

"In addition to our new first years," Dumbledore continued, "we have one other student to welcome this year. Would you please stand for a moment, Miss Blackwell?"

Tonks stood uncomfortably as every eye in the hall turned toward her.

"This is Miss Violet Blackwell. She has been schooled privately until now, and has joined Gryffindor House as a fifth year. Let us make her feel at home."

There was a smattering of applause as Tonks retook her seat. It was a bit unnerving to have the entire school staring at you. She was starting to understand why Harry hated it so much.

Soon afterwards, Umbridge rose and gave a speech about the importance of tradition. Harry glowered at the squat witch as she spoke. Her saccharine voice grated on his ears. Clearly she was directing her remarks at his claim that Voldemort had returned. With the addition of her barely-concealed bigotry, he hated her already.

"Is this is as bad as it sounds?" Hermione whispered to Tonks.

"Maybe worse."

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Tonks trudged up to her new dorms while Hermione got the Gryffindor firsties settled in theirs. It was time to see what her new roommates would be like. She would be spending most of her time with Harry, of course, but she also had to pretend to be a normal teenager. She hoped they would at least be tolerable, perhaps even a good source of intelligence. Hermione had already given her basic information about the girls, but she hadn't seemed to know them all that well.

She found them sitting on a bed together and looking at a copy of _Teen Witch Weekly_.

"Wotcher, girls."

A blonde witch and an Indian witch looked up and inspected her appearance.

"Er, hello. You're Violet, right? I'm Lavender and this is Parvati."

Tonks smiled pleasantly. "Pleasure to meet you both. I'm sure we'll get to know each other well if we're bunking together."

The two girls murmured their agreement and watched as Tonks began unpacking her things around her new bed.

"That's some interesting hair you've got there, Violet," Parvati offered.

Tonks held up a purple strand and examined it. "Thanks! Do you like it? I've always found normal colors to be so boring."

"Did you dye it?"

"Nope. Simple color-changing charm. It's a little tricky on hair, though. I can show you how to do it if you like."

"Sure," Lavender answered. "Though I think I'll stick with blonde…so you're a muggleborn then?"

"Er, yeah. Is that a problem?"

Parvati smiled. "Not at all. We were just curious. You're cozy with Hermione already, it looks like."

"She seems like a good sort. I met her on the platform and she was kind enough to show me the ropes."

"The only thing she can show you is the library," Parvati said with a roll of her eyes.

"She did seem a bit swotty. Do you not get along with her?"

"She's alright, I guess," Lavender answered. "But she doesn't hang out with us and she's always got her nose stuck in a book. You won't have any fun being around her."

"I did notice people keeping their distance, but I thought it might be because of that Harry Potter fellow. I thought he was some sort of celebrity. What's up with all the angry glares?"

"He's claiming You-Know-Who is back," said Lavender. "I think that's a load of rubbish, and so do a lot people. I want to know what really happened to Cedric Diggory."

"Ah. I read something about that. So you, er, don't believe him about You-Know-Who? What about you—Pavarti, was it?"

"Parvati," the Indian witch corrected. "I don't know. I'd like to believe Harry, but it's a bit fishy, isn't it? I think maybe some dark wizard confunded him. He never talks to anyone except Ron and Hermione, and good luck getting any answers out of them."

Lavender smirked. "She's still bitter over the Yule Ball."

"Yule Ball?"

"We had a ball for the Tri-Wizard Tournament last year. Harry was her date, and he treated her like absolute shite. I had to hold her while she cried."

"Ouch. What did he do?"

"He just ignored me and stared at that Chang bint all night," Parvati grumbled. "He barely danced with me. It was humiliating."

"Who's Chang?"

"Cho Chang. She's the Ravenclaw seeker. She was Cedric Diggory's girlfriend before…well, before he died."

Lavender leaned in conspiratorially. "There are rumors that Harry was so jealous of him that he…you know. It's pretty suspicious that he ended up dead, don't you think? Harry won the tournament and took out his competition for Cho at the same time."

"Lavender," Parvati chided. "You don't really think he'd kill someone, do you? Harry wouldn't do that, even if he's lying about You-Know-Who."

The pretty blonde just shrugged. "Maybe not, but he's got so many bloody secrets. He never told anyone he was a parselmouth, and Justin swears he set that snake on him."

Parvati rolled her eyes. "Not this again."

Tonks watched them closely. She was getting good information from the two gossips. She was worried that they might be representative of the whole school's attitude toward Harry. If even his Gryffindor year mates didn't know what to make of him, she might have her hands full protecting him. She decided to steer the conversation back to safer waters and investigate more fully later.

"So you went out on a date with The-Boy-Who-Lived, eh? Did you at least get to cop a good feel?"

Parvati laughed. "I wish. He didn't even give me a kiss on the cheek. I was hoping he'd pull me into a dark corner somewhere."

"Well, that's a shame," Tonks said with a sympathetic smile. "I bet he's got a nice tight quidditch arse."

Lavender giggled. "He has started to fill out recently. Those green eyes would be gorgeous if they weren't hidden behind those ugly glasses. I doubt anyone will be feeling him up, though. He's not exactly popular at the moment."

"Maybe we should conspire to give him a makeover. Put some new glasses and tight robes on him, ya know?"

Parvati giggled too. "He would never do it. We'd just get hexed for our efforts. We tried to give Hermione a makeover once and it almost went to wands."

Tonks nodded thoughtfully. She clearly had some work to do where Harry was concerned. His reputation was in tatters, and not just because of his claims that Voldemort had returned. Apparently he had alienated quite a few of his classmates without even realizing it.

She decided to feign interest in other boys in the school. It couldn't hurt to be in Lavender and Parvati's good graces.

"So who are the other hotties in Hogwarts?"

Parvati and Lavender looked at each other and grinned. "Well…"

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It wasn't until late the next afternoon that Tonks was able to steal away with the trio. With a full weekend before classes started on Monday, all of the students were roaming the castle and catching up with friends. No one had anything to do yet, and there were too many curious eyes for private conversations. She had taken advantage of the opportunity to meet people and gauge their opinion of Harry while he remained safely ensconced in his dorm.

When the coast was finally clear, she dragged them all to an abandoned room near the divination tower.

"Alright, you lot. There are some things you need to know. I got in touch with Madam Bones this morning, and it looks like that Umbridge woman is here to make our lives miserable. Bones thinks Fudge is making a play to control Hogwarts. You need to keep your head down around her. She's a nasty piece of work, and I guarantee that she's going to provoke you into doing something stupid."

"How can they get away with that?" Hermione asked. "I thought the Headmaster decided who teaches here."

"He does, but apparently he couldn't find anyone for Defense this year. The Ministry passed some sort of edict which gives them the right to step in if that happens."

Harry groaned. "Please tell me she's not a Death Eater. Defense Professors have a habit of trying to kill me."

"Probably not, but she's definitely sympathetic to their views. Always going on about half-breeds and mudbloods. Bones told me she was responsible for a lot of nasty legislation and she probably helped get me fired."

"Just great. So she's here to put me in my place and spread Death Eater propaganda."

"That's about the size of it," Tonks agreed, "but you've got other things to worry about too, Harry. Like repairing your reputation around here. It's no wonder people don't believe you about Voldemort."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been doing some recon, asking people some casual questions, and one thing has become crystal clear: they don't really know you. Some say you're a hero. Some say you're a surly git. Some say you're a liar. Some say you're a dangerous parselmouth. Some say you're just weird."

"That's not my fault! They bloody turn on me every year."

"I didn't say it was. But if you want people to believe you about Voldemort, you've got to give them something to work with. Talk to some people besides Ron and Hermione. Pull a few girls into broom closets. Don't walk around scowling at everyone. You're just confirming their suspicions and it makes my job harder."

He scowled at her.

She laughed. "Yes, that's the look exactly. One part angst and one part constipation."

"It's hard to pretend everything is sunshine and daisies when there's a Dark Lord breathing down your neck."

"I know, but you need allies. I don't want to have to protect you from every person in the castle. You can start by apologizing to that Parvati girl."

"For what?"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "'For what?' he says. For being a horrible date, you git. She was very unhappy with you. Says you ignored her all night. She and her partner in crime are shameless gossips, and that silly ball didn't do your reputation any favors."

Hermione winced. "She's right, Harry. Parvati was miserable for weeks. Lavender was incensed at you."

"Oh."

"I'm not saying you have to be their best friends, but get those two on your side. They talk to half the castle."

"Fine," he grumbled. "Is that all you needed to say?"

"I haven't even gotten started yet. Do you really have a crush on a Ravenclaw by the name of Cho?"

"How is that any of your business?"

"I guess that answers that question. Listen, you need to know what people are saying. She was the girlfriend of that Diggory kid who died, yeah?"

Harry nodded.

"Well, some of the tossers in the upper years think you might have offed him so you could have her all to yourself. A love triangle gone bad."

"What?!"

"I know, but you need to be very careful with this situation. If you want to get in her pants, you need to wait awhile. It will look suspicious to some people if you suddenly take up with her."

Harry turned bright red and glanced at Ron and Hermione. "This—I don't want to talk about this."

She smiled cheerfully. "Too bad, because I like embarrassing you. Relax, Harry. If you want me to be your wingman, I'll help you snag her. We'll just have to be careful about it. Any other crushes I should know about?"

"No."

"Are you sure? It wouldn't hurt to find your way into a broom closet with a few girls. That would give people something else to gossip about."

"Tonks!" Hermione huffed.

"What? He's Harry bloody Potter. He shouldn't have to put up with this shite."

He glared at her. "Are we done here?"

"You don't want to know the other rumors I've heard about you? Some of them are hilarious."

"Like what?" he asked, feeling a headache coming on.

Tonks tapped her chin. "Well, let's see…I think these are my favorites. You've murdered professors; you've got a pet dragon; you've killed a nest of basilisks; you're dating a ghost; you sneak out into the forest to ride centaurs; you spend your summers at a veela colony; you have an army of snake assassins; and your patronus can kill dementors. That's just scratching the surface. You wouldn't believe it all."

The trio looked between each other uncomfortably.

"Er, a few of those are sort of true."

"Say what?"

"Well, er, I didn't _murder_ Quirrell, but I did kill him accidentally. He had Voldemort growing out of the back of his head."

She stared at each of them, waiting for someone to crack a smile. "Professor Quirrell, my defense professor for seventh year? The bloke with a nasty turban who was afraid of his own shadow? I thought he had an accident."

"He did. He tried to kill me and it didn't work out like he planned."

Tonks sighed and sat down in a nearby chair. "I'm not sure I want to know. What else is true?"

"Well, er, I've only killed the one basilisk, not a whole nest," Harry said sheepishly.

Tonks laughed, then realized he was serious. "A basilisk?! Big snake that kills people just by looking at them? We're talking about the same thing, right?"

"Yes," Hermione replied. "I was petrified by it. Remember when all those people were being attacked in—well, just after you graduated, I suppose?"

"I was in training, but I read about it. I thought it was some dark artifact that petrified a few students. Professor Dumbledore found it and destroyed it."

"Well, there was a dark artifact. Voldemort's diary, in fact. But it was being used to control the basilisk. And it was Harry who destroyed it."

"Did you just stay Voldemort's _diary_? That doesn't—hang on. Basilisks don't petrify people. They kill them."

Harry shrugged. "This one didn't. Either we got really lucky or it wasn't supposed to kill anyone."

"Bloody hell," Tonks breathed. "You're serious. And you killed it?"

He smiled smugly at her, enjoying the befuddled look on her face. "Yes."

"How?"

"With the help of a phoenix, the Sorting Hat, and the Sword of Gryffindor."

Tonks took a deep breath and leaned back in her chair. "Harry, that sounds like the start of a terrible joke. A phoenix, the Sorting Hat, and the Sword of Gryffindor walk into a bar. What did you do— _stab_ it?"

"Er, yeah."

She gave him a flat look. "Pull the other one."

He laughed. "I swear! I put the Sword of Gryffindor through its brain. It did bite me, though. I almost died."

He lifted his robes and rolled up a shirt sleeve, exposing a circular scar on both sides of his arm above his elbow.

"Holy shit. You should be dead."

"I would be, but Fawkes cried phoenix tears into it at the last second."

"Merlin. I have to be dreaming right now. Where did this happen?"

"In the Chamber of Secrets," Ron answered, also delighted with Tonks' disbelief. "The diary kidnapped Ginny, and Harry and I went down there to rescue her."

She stared at him. "The Chamber of Secrets," she repeated. "Okay, we've got one more free day before classes start, so tomorrow you're going to show me this place. It's not that I don't believe you, but I need to see it for myself. Why didn't you say anything about this earlier?"

Harry shrugged. "You didn't ask."

She snorted. "Okay, I need to know everything you know. What in the bloody blue blazes has been happening in this place?"

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 **A/N** : Thanks for reading and thanks to BennyS and methos for their feedback.


	4. Chapter 4

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 4:**

The new quartet walked to breakfast the next morning, forming a casual protective circle around Harry. None of the students had openly antagonized him yet, but he was getting more than a few hostile glances. Tonks kept her wand at the ready, assessing everyone as a potential threat until she became familiar with her new 'peers.'

They had almost made it to the ground floor when she took a wrong step on the stairs and was sent sprawling face forward. She somehow managed to get her hands on the stairs and did an awkward somersault before landing on her feet. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at her in astonishment when she continued walking as if nothing had happened.

"Forgot about the trick stair, eh?" Ron said.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean. I'm new here," Tonks replied, with only the faintest hint of a blush. Harry was impressed that her hair didn't turn red.

"Better hope no one attacks me on the stairs. I'll be toast."

He yelped when a stinging curse connected with his arse. He hadn't even seen her draw a wand.

Breakfast itself was an unremarkable affair until a platinum-haired Slytherin and his two pets sauntered over to the Gryffindor table.

Harry saw them coming and sighed. "Incoming," he muttered.

Tonks tensed for a moment and fingered her wand, but relaxed when she saw it was Malfoy. She had already pegged him as a toothless peacock. She intended to do some spying in the Slytherin dorms to assess threats there, but Malfoy wasn't the type to attack someone in public. She decided to feign confusion and watch the show.

"I'm surprised you had the courage to show your face in public, Potter," Malfoy said with a smug smile. "It seems you're not just a liar but a murderer. Everyone is wondering who your next victim is going to be."

There was a sharp intake of breath at the Gryffindor table followed by silence. The Weasley twins, aware of Harry's situation this year and feeling bold, slowly rose from their seats. Harry motioned for them to sit back down. Students at other tables turned to watch the confrontation.

"I'm neither of those things, Malfoy, unlike your dear father. He should be worried, you know."

Malfoy's smile grew. "Is that a threat?"

"Of course not. It's just that, with Voldemort back"—he fought not to roll his eyes at the gasps—"your family might want to go into hiding. You should thank me for the warning."

"Malfoys don't hide, unlike some families I could name."

"Hey, I'm just trying to be nice here. We all know your father was placed under the imperius curse last time. He must have been _so_ ashamed, being forced to murder all those poor people against his will."

The smile fell from Malfoy's face. He glowered at Harry, his hand inching toward his wand. There was a breathless anticipation in the hall. Nearby students waited for the inevitable retaliation, but it never came. Malfoy regained enough control to feign nonchalance.

"As usual, you're delusional, Potter. You really should be locked up for everyone's safety. You might want to watch your back if you continue to slander your betters."

He turned and walked away before Harry could respond.

"Good one, Harry," Ron said. "I think Tonks is rubbing off on you."

"Who's Tonks?" Violet asked casually.

"Oh, er, just some old woman we know," Harry replied. "A bit annoying really."

He winced when she kicked him under the table.

"Maybe blondie's in love with you and doesn't know how to express it," she said, aware that other students could hear her. "Are you sure he doesn't float your snitch?"

Ron laughed, thankful he wasn't the target this time, but Harry scowled at her. With his luck, there would be rumors of a romance between him and Draco by this evening. "No, he doesn't _float my snitch_ , Blackwell. That's not even a saying."

"It ought to be then."

"He's just trying to provoke you, Harry," Hermione said. "Don't go overboard."

"I know, but I'm not going to listen to that shite without defending myself."

The noise in the hall slowly returned to normal. Tonks leaned in to whisper to him. "Don't worry about it. He'll be a laughingstock by the time we're done with him. He won't know what hit him."

"What did you have in mind?"

She smirked. "I don't know yet, but I'll come up with something. I know all the passwords in the castle."

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Harry watched the Marauder's map closely. It was after lunch, and they had finally found a moment to steal away from the small crowds loitering everywhere. They didn't want prying eyes for their little adventure. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Tonks were currently in an alcove near the charms corridor, waiting for an opportunity to move. Tonks watched the map over his shoulder.

"I need that map, Harry."

"It's a family heirloom, Tonks. My dad helped create it."

"I'm not going to hurt it. I'm trying to keep you safe. And don't call me Tonks!"

"Sorry, _Violet_. If we get separated, I'll need it to move around safely."

"If we get separated, I'll need it to find you. You'll just have to trust me."

He sighed. "Fine, but on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You have to stop trying to embarrass me at every opportunity. It's getting, er…embarrassing."

She grinned. "No deal. I consider it a part of my official mission to get you to loosen up. You'll be the most popular person in school by the time I'm done. The-Boy-Who-Lived deserves to have a little fun in between his battles with Dark Lords and basilisks, don't you think?"

"I don't _want_ to be the most popular person in school."

"Fine, then. Popular enough to pull a cute Chinese witch into a secluded little spot whenever you want. I'll teach you how to chat her up."

"Stop that," he demanded. She just smiled innocently.

"Will you two stop bickering?" Hermione said. "Merlin, you're worse than…" She glanced at Ron. Tonks raised an eyebrow at her. She didn't finish her sentence, realizing it was far better for Tonks' attention to be on Harry.

"Okay, the coast is clear," he said. "Let's go."

The quartet hurried toward their destination on the second floor. Ron and Harry both carried their brooms, while Harry and Tonks had their invisibility cloaks, just in case. They didn't want to try covering two people with one unless it was an emergency. When they stopped in front of a door and Hermione poked her head in, Tonks frowned.

"Wait, you're taking me to a girls' loo?"

"Right in one," Harry replied. "Do you doubt me, O Great Auror?"

"I smell a prank."

"No, you smell standing water from Myrtle's bathroom. Let's get inside."

He ushered them into the bathroom, hoping that the ghost would be away, doing whatever she did when she didn't have her head in a toilet. His luck failed him.

Myrtle whooshed out of her toilet when she heard visitors, spraying water everywhere. "Who's there?"

"It's just us, Myrtle," Harry answered with a sigh.

The ghost ignored the rest of the group to focus on him. "Oh. Hi, Harry. I've missed you. Will you be using the prefect's bath again soon?"

He winced at the grin Tonks gave him.

"Now I see why you don't want a girlfriend," she said cheerily. "You've already got one. Aren't you going to introduce me to your sweetheart?"

He glared at her. "Myrtle, this is…Violet Blackwell. She's our new friend, even though she's got a terrible sense of humor."

"Pleased to meet you," Myrtle said shyly.

"Likewise," Tonks replied with a toothy smile. "What's this about you and Harry in the prefect's bath?"

"Nothing!" he said. "Moving on—let's do what we came for."

Tonks looked around the room. "You're seriously telling me that the entrance to the legendary Chamber of Secrets is in a broken down loo?"

Myrtle huffed. "It's a nice loo! It's my home!"

"Er, no offense."

"Let's all just get along, shall we?" Hermione said.

Tonks looked at Harry expectantly. "Well?"

He rolled his eyes and then hissed at a sink, causing everyone to flinch. There was a grinding sound and the sink slowly moved, revealing a gaping hole that descended into darkness. Tonks looked at him uncertainly.

"This is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets," he said smugly.

She moved closer and knelt down to peer into the dark hole. "Are you sure this is safe?"

Harry stepped beside her and bent down to whisper in her ear. "You'll just have to trust me," he said in barely hidden glee.

He put his hand on the small of her back and pushed her forward as hard as he could. She screamed and fell headfirst into the pipe. He smiled as her screams echoed off its walls and slowly faded away.

"Are you sure that was a good idea?" Hermione asked.

"Probably not, but God, it was satisfying."

Myrtle nodded her ghostly head. "It looked like it."

Harry mounted his broom and entered the pipe, following Tonks' route at a much slower pace. With his wand illuminated, he could see exactly where he was going. He had to press his body almost flat against the broom, but he was able to avoid the slime and grit of the tube completely. It was even sort of fun if you didn't count the smell.

Ron and Hermione followed him on Ron's broom. Hermione enjoyed the experience far less than either of the boys.

"Oh, my God, this is disgusting," she shouted, her voice echoing off the walls. "It smells like a sewer. I think something just tried to grab me."

Ron laughed. "You're fine. Just hold on tight."

There was a gasp and he wheezed, "Maybe not that tight."

The trip took longer than Harry expected. He had forgotten there were so many twists and turns. It was a different experience when you weren't hurtling through sludge and in fear of your life. It really made him wonder where wizards learned their plumbing skills.

When he landed, he felt a spell coming his way and tossed up a hurried shield. Two more spells followed, nearly causing it to collapse. In front of him was an angry witch, covered from head to toe in dirt, slime, and foul-smelling algae.

"Harry Potter!" she yelled.

"Didn't enjoy the trip, Tonks? I certainly did."

She hit him with a stinging spell before he had time to dodge.

"I smell like Filch's underpants! You'll pay for this!"

"How do you—Ow, stop it!" he yelped as another spell connected.

He retreated into a corner with a shield covering him. Discretion really was the better part of valor sometimes, he realized. Ron and Hermione exited the tube to find Tonks staring down at her befouled body and Harry crouched in the shadows.

"Merlin's hairy crack, this is gross," Tonks whined, her hands held away from her body. "Some of this stuff is wriggling! Scourgify! Scourgify! Scourgify!"

Ron laughed at her state, before he too received a stinging hex to the groin. Hermione whispered cleaning spells of her own.

"This had better be worth it," she growled at Ron. "I feel like I just traveled through Satan's umbilical cord. Oh, God, it's in my hair."

When everyone had finally composed themselves from their journey into the bowels of the castle, Tonks examined their surroundings. They were in a sort of carved cavern. The light from their wands illuminated centuries of dust and detritus on the ground. Everywhere it was littered with small animal bones and things that probably didn't have a name. Slimy plant tendrils were hanging from the ceiling and swaying in a non-existent breeze.

"There is no way this place is the Chamber of Secrets," she said.

"It's not, but it will take us there. Just be patient."

She huffed and scourgified herself one last time. "Let's go then."

It took five minutes of walking to reach the shed skin that filled half the corridor.

"Is that what I think it is?" Tonks said.

"The real thing is even bigger than that," Harry replied. "Who knows how old that skin is?"

Tonks poked it with her wand and part of the translucent scales crumbled to dust. She shook her head as they resumed their journey.

They walked for another five minutes before they encountered the cave-in. The entire passage was blocked with rubble. Tonks examined it closely. "What happened here?"

"Lockhart tried to obliviate us," Ron said. "But he was using my broken wand and it backfired. The ponce managed to obliviate himself and take out the ceiling."

"An obliviate caused an explosion?"

"Well, it _was_ Ron's wand," Hermione remarked. She was still none too pleased with her ride to the chamber.

"Hey! It wasn't my fault!"

Tonks just laughed as they started to bicker. They seemed to take delight in provoking each other, and it took almost nothing to set them off.

It took them over fifteen minutes to remove some of the debris and create a passage through the collapsed ceiling. The trio's levitation spells got a good workout while Tonks transfigured a buttress to prevent it from collapsing again.

Everyone grew impatient as they continued their walk. Harry hadn't realized how long the passage actually was. During his first trip he had been running as fast as he could, desperate to stop the Heir of Slytherin. Walking slowly made the trip considerably longer.

Tonks shot a stinging spell at a huge rat that had stopped chewing on something to stare at the unexpected sight of human visitors. It dodged out of the way and disappeared into the darkness, kicking up a cloud of dust.

"Merlin, it's dustier than Harry's wand down here."

Harry glanced at his illuminated wand. "My wand's not dusty."

She smiled slyly at him. "Looks pretty dusty to me. When was the last time you polished it?"

"Er, during the tournament, I guess."

"That was months ago, Harry. A wizard's wand needs frequent polishing. Maybe you should ask that Cho girl to help you. She can show you how to do it."

Harry glared at her as he caught on. "I don't need help…polishing my wand," he gritted out, then winced when he realized how that sounded. Even Hermione couldn't suppress a giggle. Tonks winked at her.

"Whatever you say, Dusty."

"I told you to stop that!"

"Guess you shouldn't have pushed me down the tube then, eh?"

Harry shook his head and walked on. He knew she was just teasing him, but it wasn't something he was used to. The twins regularly made jokes at his and Ron's expense, but it was different coming from a girl—especially a pretty one who could torment him with impunity. It was easy to forget there was an Auror behind the teenaged face with violet hair and laughing eyes.

A few minutes later they finally arrived at their destination. They held up their wands to illuminate a huge circular door that blocked the passage. Its surface was carved with images of golden snakes that seemed to slither in the wandlight.

"Here we go," Harry said with relief. "Believe me now?"

He hissed at the door and it slowly swung open before them, revealing a massive dark cavern. The group entered cautiously, only to be bowled over by the worst stench they had encountered in their lives.

"Oh, Merlin," Tonks gasped, bending over to clasp her stomach. "What…"

Harry winced at the horrific smell. "Right. We should probably use bubblehead charms."

"Now you tell me," she muttered, before casting the charm on her head. She breathed in deeply, relieved that it had purified the air.

Hermione cast one on herself and another on Ron, who didn't know the spell. They took deep breaths and proceeded slowly. Huge pillars ascended into the darkness of the ceiling every twenty feet. The space appeared to be bigger than the Great Hall.

Eventually their wands lit up the source of the awful smell that permeated the room.

Harry walked closer to it, mesmerized at the sight of what three years of decomposition had done to the creature. Its massive bulk had deflated and melted away, leaving only putrid green scales covering a long, thin skeleton of ribs. Here and there chunks of rotting flesh clung to the collapsing scales. The beast's eyes and face had rotted completely away, leaving only a skeletal head. Dozens of huge fangs wrapped around its open maw in a sick parody of a smile.

He shuddered in remembrance of his last trip here, thinking the basilisk looked even more terrifying now.

Noticing the silence, he turned and saw Tonks, Hermione, and Ron standing stock-still, their mouths agape and their eyes riveted on the monstrous corpse.

"She's a real beauty, isn't she?" he said quietly, as if speaking loudly in the chamber would wake the beast.

"What. The. Fuck," Tonks breathed.

Harry chuckled at the look on their faces. "You knew I fought a basilisk. What did you think it would look like?"

Hermione's face had taken on a green pallor in the dim light. "Harry…this thing must be sixty feet long. How—how did it even fit through the pipes?"

He shrugged. "Magic?"

Tonks carefully walked toward the basilisk's head, bending down to peer into its open mouth. She could see its ribs as they continued into the darkness. She shivered as she looked at its teeth. The mouth was large enough to swallow her whole.

"I didn't think it would be this big. I thought—I don't know what I thought. This thing is monstrous."

"Well, it _is_ a monster," Harry replied. "Even Slytherin thought so."

She took a deep breath within her bubble and stared at him. "How in the name of Merlin's massive member did you kill this thing when you were 12? This might be the deadliest creature on earth."

"Fawkes clawed its eyes out. If he hadn't, I'd definitely be dead. The rest was a lot of dodging and running until the Sorting Hat dropped the sword on my head."

She snorted at his casual and absurd explanation. "I can't—why doesn't anyone know about this? A bloody basilisk the size of a small dragon was in Hogwarts!"

"I don't know. Dumbledore told us not to tell anyone except the Weasleys. I don't think he wanted the Ministry to know about it. He was already about to get kicked out of Hogwarts."

Tonks looked up at the statue of Salazar Slytherin, its huge mouth still hanging open. The existence of this beast beneath the school raised so many questions.

"Okay, I believe you now. Why don't we incinerate this nasty thing and get out of here? I'm getting more creeped out by the minute."

"Could anything from it be useful?" Hermione asked. "The fangs might still have venom."

Ron had been staring in silence at the creature his sister once controlled. He shook his head. "The thing is rotten. There's no way it could be salvaged."

Tonks agreed. "Even if we could, I don't want to know what sorts of potions and rituals use basilisk parts. Let's burn this bastard."

Hermione glanced at Harry. "Harry?"

"Well, I'm definitely not attached to it."

Tonks raised her wand, preparing to cast a powerful incendio on the rotting corpse.

"Wait!" Ron cried.

"What?"

"I've got an idea. Even if it's worthless, why not keep it as a trophy? Harry could hang it, like, in his house or something, with its jaws open. It would be the most awesome thing ever."

She tilted her head and looked at the basilisk again. "You know, that's not a bad idea. What do you say, Harry? You could use it to terrify houseguests, or maybe sell it to Gringotts. They'd probably stick it in the lobby."

Harry thought for a moment. "Yeah, I think I'd like to keep it, at least for now."

"How are you going to get it out of here, though?" Hermione asked. "And where would you put it? The Burrow?"

Ron laughed. "Mum would have a heart attack. It might be enough to get Charlie to move home though."

Harry didn't want to imagine Molly Weasley's reaction to a basilisk on her lawn. "I'd never be welcome there again. I don't know. We could just burn away the flesh and leave it here until we figure something out. We could ask Sirius. Maybe Dobby would help us move it."

Hearing his name called, Dobby popped into existence next to Harry.

"Harry Potter Sir!" he called out happily. "What can Dobby be—"

The elf cut off abruptly as it encountered the stench in the room. He coughed and sputtered, then took in the sight of the basilisk. He reared back and fell on his butt, staring at the sight in fear.

"You alright, Dobby?"

Dobby rose shakily and snapped his fingers, clearing the air around him and taking a deep breath.

"What is this? Harry Potter killed this?" he whispered.

"Er, yeah, a long time ago. This is the danger you were warning me about."

Dobby blinked his huge eyes and then ran at Harry, hugging him tightly around a leg.

"Harry Potter Sir is a great wizard! The best wizard! Dobby is always knowing it, but Dobby was not knowing how great!"

Tonks snickered at the look on Harry's face. "Has Myrtle got competition, Harry?"

"Oh, be quiet. Dobby, do you know of a way to get this thing out of here, after we get rid of the rot?"

He stared at the skeletal beast. "Dobby is not knowing, but maybe if Dobby brought other elves."

"Alright, well, let us think about it. I'll call you when we decide something."

He nodded and popped away, glad to be away from the massive dark creature.

"Where on earth did you find him?" Tonks asked. "I thought he was going to start humping your leg."

Harry was unable to resist a little smile. "I freed him from the Malfoys."

"I'd like to hear how that happened. I can't imagine they were pleased."

"Malfoy Senior wasn't pleased at all. He might have tried to kill me if Dobby hadn't intervened."

"The elf intervened?"

"Lucius had his wand pointed at me and Dobby pushed him down some stairs. It was awesome."

She raised an incredulous eyebrow. "Merlin, Harry, I've never even heard of an elf assaulting a wizard. He must really, _really_ like you. You reckon he's got a collection of your underwear somewhere?"

They all stared at her until Hermione cleared her throat. "You have a sick mind, Tonks."

"Thank you. Don't worry, you'll catch up someday—and don't call me Tonks."

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Later that night, Harry sat uncomfortably in the common room with Ron, Hermione, and Tonks. He was pretending to play chess with Ron while Hermione pretended to tell Tonks all about her new professors. But Harry's attention was elsewhere. Despite their adventure in the chamber—and the new respect it generated for him—Tonks had goaded him into apologizing to Parvati Patil. He saw the wisdom of it, but would almost rather face another basilisk.

She insisted that he needed to approach Parvati in the common room. Since she had been publically embarrassed, there had to be public awareness of his apology. Tonks wanted rumors that painted him in a positive light, if only to make her life easier.

Harry watched as Parvati and Lavender both rose from their seats and started toward their dorms. He sighed. It was now or never. Moving quickly, he bridged the distance between them.

"Parvati?"

She turned at the sound of his voice, her eyebrows rising when she realized who was speaking to her.

"Yes, Harry?"

"Can I speak to you in private please? I owe you an apology."

The sounds in the common room were reduced to hushed whispers. Harry and Parvati were both aware that many curious eyes were watching. A faint blush rose on her bronze skin as they stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

"Er, out in the hall perhaps?" he suggested.

"Oh. Sure." She gathered her composure and followed him out the portrait hole. Conversation immediately resumed, filled with wild speculation. Wild speculation was the order of the day where Harry Potter was concerned.

He walked with her some distance away from the Fat Lady, not wanting to be overheard by people lingering nearby. When he stopped, she stared at him curiously. He cleared his throat.

"I, er, just wanted you to know that…I'm sorry. For how I treated you at the Yule Ball. I know I was a terrible date, and you didn't deserve that."

She eyed him for a moment, trying to figure out what had gotten into him. He had barely spoken to her since the Yule Ball, even if he had always been polite. "Thank you," she said finally.

He nodded and continued nervously. "It didn't occur to me how disappointed you might be until recently. You were a lovely date. I just wasn't comfortable being gawked at, and I had a lot on my mind, like who was trying to kill me in that tournament."

"It's okay, Harry. I'm sorry too. I maybe tried to show you off a bit too much."

"If I could make it up to you somehow, I would. But I don't think it would be smart for you to be seen with me in Hogsmeade."

"Why not?"

"Well, if people think we're dating, you would probably be in very serious danger."

She frowned, not quite following him.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Parvati…I know what the Prophet has been saying about me all summer. That I'm some sort of lying lunatic. But I'm not lying. Voldemort is truly back. The Death Eaters are back. They killed Cedric. If people were to think we were together…well, I'm sure you see the problem. I don't want you to get hurt over a silly ball."

She stared at him intently. "Merlin."

"What?"

"You're telling the truth, aren't you? He really is back."

"I've always told the truth. I didn't enter myself into that damned tournament. I didn't kill Cedric. And I swear on my magic that Voldemort is back."

She nodded slowly, examining his face. "I believe you. Thank you for telling me, Harry, and…thank you for apologizing. It means a lot to me."

"You're welcome. I didn't want you to think I was just a surly git."

She laughed, and Harry exhaled in relief as the tension bled away. He missed the speculative look she gave him.

"I don't want to get attacked by Death Eaters, but there is one thing you could do to make it up to me."

"What's that?"

She smiled, mischief creeping into her eyes. "You could kiss me."

"Pardon?"

She giggled at the look on his face. "I was hoping you would at least kiss me at the end of our date, Harry. You never even kissed me on the cheek."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I've never, er…"

"You've never kissed anyone?"

"No."

Her smile slowly grew. "Well then, this will really even the score between us, won't it?"

Harry couldn't quite believe this moment was happening. Parvati was a very pretty witch, but he had never imagined his apology ending with a kiss. "If people find out, it might be worse than being seen in public, Parvati."

"Then it will be our secret. I'll tell Lavender and no one else. Are you going to tell?"

"Er, no."

She smiled and looked around. There was no one else loitering in the corridor, but it didn't hurt to be safe. "Come here," she whispered gleefully. She grabbed his hand and pulled him into a nearby open room.

It was dark inside, so she lit up her wand and then closed the door behind them.

He swallowed. "Just to be clear—you're not saying you want us to be together, right? Because that…"

"No. I don't want to get killed for a kiss, Harry. This is just a kiss. No one else will know, but we'll both know I was your first."

He nodded uncertainly. When he didn't approach her, Parvati stepped forward and softly brushed her lips against his. His heart started racing. She pressed her lips against his and tilted her head. He instinctively opened his mouth. Her tongue met his and caressed it, and he hesitantly returned the favor.

She dropped her wand and ran her hands through his hair as they kissed. His hands found their way to her waist. He could not have said how long they stood there. He was too lost in the experience.

At long last she pulled away. Her eyes were glassy and there was a look of satisfaction on her face. "Wow."

Harry grinned goofily and wiped a spot of saliva from the edge of his mouth. "Was that, er, okay?"

She smiled, her teeth bright white against the darkness of the room. "Brilliant. Did you like it?"

"It was fantastic."

They hadn't yet moved away from each other, and Parvati took the opportunity to reach down and squeeze his arse.

He flinched in surprise. He seemed to be getting groped a lot lately. She laughed at the look on his face.

"Sorry. I couldn't resist."

"Er, that's okay."

Neither quite knew what to say now. Harry wasn't particularly interested in dating her and she knew it. She wasn't particularly keen on him anymore either, especially not with a Dark Lord after him.

"So then…shall we go back to the Common Room?" he asked.

"I think so. And thank you again, Harry."

"You're welcome."

Harry walked with her back to the Common Room, where they entered together and then parted ways. A handful of students watched them closely, but no one commented. Harry would never realize just how much credibility he had gained in the school with a single kiss. Having a popular gossip on your side paid dividends that couldn't be measured.

Tonks just smirked as she watched him trudge up the stairs with a glazed look in his eyes and the faintest smudge of lipstick on the edge of his lip.

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 **A/N** : Thanks for reading, and thanks to BennyS and methos for their valuable feedback. Enjoying it so far?


	5. Chapter 5

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard, Chapter 5**

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 **Chapter 5:**

"Shhh!"

"We shouldn't be up here!" a voice whispered in reply.

"Oh, come on. You haven't been here before?"

"Not when he's asleep!"

"Shhh. Then he shouldn't have had a lie-in, should he? I have to make sure he wasn't stabbed in the night."

A huff was the only response.

Tonks and Hermione looked down upon the sleeping form of Harry Potter. The boys' dorms were empty save him. He had been sleeping so soundly that Ron and the others didn't have the heart to wake him when they left. Ron was playing chess with Neville in the common room while Tonks and Hermione checked on Harry.

Harry, for his part, was having the best sleep he had had in months. Nightmares of Cedric's death, for once, did not plague him. Instead he dreamed of empty classrooms and soft lips, of wet tongues and gropes in the dark. Those images alternated with visions of a long hallway with a door at the end. He knew there was something important in there, and he desperately wanted to reach the door, but it wasn't quite as important as what the girl in his dreams was doing with her hand.

Tonks leaned toward his face and whispered. "Oh, Haaarrrryy. Just like that. Don't stop!"

"Violet!" Hermione hissed.

Harry mumbled and shifted under the covers. "Mmmmm…"

Tonks stifled a laugh, and Hermione's hand rushed to cover her mouth.

"What do you think he's dreaming about?"

"I'm sure I don't want to know."

Tonks leaned back in. "Take me, Harry! Make me yours!" she whispered urgently.

He stiffened and opened a bleary eye, then shot up in bed all at once, causing Tonks and Hermione to jump back. He blinked rapidly, taking in his surroundings.

"Having a good dream, Harry?" Tonks asked sweetly.

"Tonks!" he said hoarsely, and covered himself more completely with the covers.

"I think you mean 'Violet,'" she replied, and then grinned. "Whatcha dreamin' 'bout? Did it involve a certain Indian witch?"

He glared at her, the effect lessened by the fact that he could barely see and his hair was sticking out in all directions. He was certainly never going to reveal that the girl he had been dreaming about alternated between having black hair and purple hair. "Go away."

"Are you sure? I think Hermione wants to see what kind of wood your wand is made of."

"Tonks!" Hermione yelled.

"Blackwell!" Tonks retorted. "Merlin, don't mess this up."

"I will curse you," Harry said to neither and both.

"Up and at 'em, then, slayer of basilisks. We need to get down to breakfast unless you want to be late on the first day of classes."

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The trio and Tonks received their schedules at breakfast. It was a full day, starting with History of Magic and followed by double Potions, Divination, and double Defense. Harry hated Mondays already.

He said nothing about what had transpired between him and Parvati the previous evening, but he suspected that Tonks and Hermione already knew. They were rooming with Parvati, after all, and she and Lavender weren't exactly discreet. He only hoped the rumor didn't spread all over school.

Tonks smirked at him every time they made eye contact. Harry had to fight not to blush. He couldn't decide how he felt about her interference in his 'romantic' life. On one hand, he recognized good advice when he heard it, even if he was more oblivious than the average teenage male. On the other, he felt like he had a voyeur watching his every move. It didn't help that said voyeur was an attractive young witch who now looked like a fifth-year.

He found her presence frustrating so far. He had not wanted a bodyguard, especially not one who reveled in teasing him. But he had to admit that she was fun when her attention wasn't directed at him. He also liked the idea of someone watching his back. If he could convince her to stop embarrassing him with constant innuendo, the whole arrangement might work out well. Somehow he knew it was a lost cause.

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Potions, to his surprise, was almost tolerable. At least at first. He was partnered with Violet so she could keep an eye on him. He knew Snape would never have allowed that to happen if Dumbledore hadn't demanded it of him.

After revealing the potion instructions on the board, the Professor curtly told them to begin and stalked around the room to observe.

He paused in front of Harry's table. He looked down at the simmering potion, then his eyes slid to Tonks. She smiled at him. He clearly wanted to say something caustic, but instead he held his tongue and moved onto Neville's cauldron. Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Violet Blackwell's presence was proving valuable already.

"Longbottom!" Snape shouted.

Neville jumped in fright and dropped the ingredients he had been holding into his cauldron. It started bubbling violently.

"Y-yessir?"

"The instructions specifically say to dice the toad livers, not chop them. Or do they not teach Gryffindors how to read these days?"

"Sorry, sir," he muttered as his potion started spewing smoke. Snape sneered and swirled away.

"Wanker," Tonks whispered under her breath.

She had already endured years of Snape's 'tutelage,' and wasn't keen to experience more. There had been a Neville Longbottom in her year—Linus Blarney—and Snape had nearly given the poor boy a nervous breakdown.

She looked up to see something fly into hers and Harry's potion from across the room. It made a little splash and threw droplets of liquid everywhere. The potion hissed and turned a deep purple before overflowing the cauldron and creating a frothy mess. She cursed herself for her inattention.

"Potter!" Snape yelled from across the room. "Can you not follow the simplest instructions? Why is your potion overflowing?"

"I don't know, sir. Someone from over there," he said, pointing at the Slytherins, "tossed something into the cauldron."

"Other students are not responsible for your incompetence," he replied with malicious satisfaction. "Ten points from Gryffindor for lying to a Professor."

Harry stared at the Slytherins. They were all watching him, but the smug grin on Malfoy's face revealed him to be the culprit.

Tonks followed Harry's gaze. She hadn't seen who had thrown the object, but obviously Draco Malfoy was involved. If the blonde boy had thrown something more dangerous, the effects could have been lethal, and not just to Harry. Yet Snape had done nothing. If that's the way he wanted to play it…

She raised her hand. "Excuse me, Professor Snoop?"

Snape eyed her for a long moment. "Snape. Professor _Snape_ , Miss Blackwell."

"Ah, my apologies, sir. I'm still adjusting to all the new faces."

"Did you have a reason for interrupting my class?"

"Oh, yes sir. I was just wondering—are pranks allowed in potions class?"

"They most certainly are not."

"Well, that's good. Because I saw that Mayberry fellow toss something into our potion too."

"Malfoy!" came an outraged yell. "My name is Draco _Malfoy_!"

Tonks frowned at the source of the noise. "Is there like a weekly Bond marathon in Slytherin or something?"

Draco may not have understood her words, but he knew when he was being mocked. The rest of the Slytherins returned equally vicious glares, though there was the tiniest of grins on Millicent Bulstrode's face.

"You are mistaken, Blackwell," Snape said. "Mr. Potter is quite capable of ruining a potion through his own ineptitude. It is your terrible misfortune to be paired with him."

"Eh, I don't mind so much, sir. He seems really good with his hands. I'm just relieved that pranking isn't allowed here. That could get dangerous for everyone. Who knows _what_ might happen?"

Snape stared at her intently for a long moment. The whole class waited on his scathing retort. Violet Blackwell smiled innocently. He turned away in a swirl of black cloak.

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Harry stalked into the Defense classroom in a foul mood, Violet, Ron, and Hermione at his heels. His first day of school had started with a nap during Binns' class, and had gotten progressively worse from there. Snape had insulted him, Trelawney had predicted his death by house elf—something that was frighteningly possible, whether through Kreacher's malice or Dobby's mothering—and the Hufflepuffs had scowled at him en masse during lunch. Now he had to sit through Professor Umbridge's class. He expected it to be a nightmare, and he wasn't disappointed.

The squat witch smiled smarmily as the fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins took their seats. She was wearing the black robes of a Professor, but her ensemble included a pink cardigan and a frilly pink pillbox hat. He took one look at the hat and wanted to knock it off her head.

"Good afternoon, class."

There were only a handful of murmured responses.

"Tut-tut. That just won't do. Repeat after me: 'Good afternoon, Professor Umbridge.'"

"Good afternoon, Professor Umbridge," they echoed dully.

Harry was gritting his teeth already. He was reminded heavily of his first day of kindergarten. If only he could remember how he had turned his teacher's hair blue…

He flipped through his textbook as the witch explained the course objectives, trying to ignore her grating voice. The book seemed to have been written by someone who had never left his house. There were a number of very basic spells explained, but the constant refrain for handling dark creatures and dark wizards appeared to be 'Retreat and call an expert.' Somehow he didn't think that would work with Death Eaters.

"Isn't that right, Mr. Potter?"

He looked up, blinking. "Pardon?"

"Five points from Gryffindor for not paying attention. I said…we will all learn the importance of relying on the Ministry for protection and for telling the truth, won't we?"

"If you say so, ma'am."

Umbridge grinned widely. "I do say so. It is well past time for the Ministry to correct the substandard education you have received at Hogwarts, and to stamp out falsehoods meant to frighten and deceive you. It would be a shame if I had to punish students for spreading lies about a certain Dark Wizard's return, don't you think?"

Harry sighed. He knew he was at a crossroads. He could submit to this vile woman and avoid trouble, or he could stand his ground. Both would probably hurt his reputation in the short term. But the latter choice was the only one that he could live with, subtlety be damned.

"I'm not lying. Voldemort really is back."

Silence blanketed the room, despite his use of Voldemort's name.

Umbridge giggled girlishly. "I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, I must not have you heard you correctly. Are you suggesting that the Minister of Magic is a liar?"

He considered his answer. He wanted to tell her that Fudge was both a liar and a coward, but he did have _some_ sense of self-preservation. He could almost hear Tonks telling him not to take the bait.

"I really couldn't say what his motives are," he hedged. "But I'm not a liar."

She smiled again, all wide crooked teeth. Harry shivered. "It's rather hard to deal with being a celebrity, isn't it? There's always that need to keep oneself in the papers. I wonder what poor Cedric Diggory would say about your claim. It's so heartbreaking that he isn't here to tell us."

Harry's blood boiled. He had to resist leaping from his seat to throttle the woman. "He would tell you that he was murdered by Peter Pettigrew, a Death Eater, and that we helped each other during the final task!"

The class was deathly silent as they watched the confrontation.

Umbridge's toad-like grin grew almost ear to ear. "Peter Pettigrew is a hero, Mr. Potter. He died confronting the Death Eater Sirius Black, as you well know. It is remarkable how many dead wizards you stumble across. We will have no more of your lurid fantasies in this class. Fifty points from Gryffindor and a week of detention with me."

The Gryffindors groaned. Harry heard a muttered 'fifty?!' behind him. He was going to catch hell for the point loss, but he couldn't let her steamroll him.

Her eyes glittered with satisfaction as she watched him. "You all have your instructions. Now everyone be quiet and read."

Tonks had watched the exchange in growing dread. Not only was Harry unable to restrain himself from rising to her bait, but Umbridge's agenda here was even more worrisome than she had expected. She clearly had free reign to slander Harry and punish him for anything she wished.

She looked around the classroom. Some students were muttering and giving Harry frowns; others were delighted to see The-Boy-Who-Lived humiliated. No one had risen to his defense, though it would have been unwise to do so.

There wasn't much she could do either, at least not publically. She was posing as Hermione's new friend. She couldn't seem too close to Harry yet, but neither could she let him sit through a detention with a potential enemy. She was debating her next move when Hermione's hand shot up, trying to attract Umbridge's attention.

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"I have a question about the course aims, Professor. How are we supposed to learn these spells if we don't actually practice them in class?"

"It is hazardous to cast spells in class, young lady. Surely you don't believe that you are in danger here."

"But how will we pass our OWLs? There's a practical portion."

There was increased muttering at this, but no one wanted to earn Umbridge's wrath. They were quite happy to let Hermione Granger take the heat.

"If you study the theory closely enough, you should be able to cast any of the spells in that book."

"On our first try?" Parvati blurted out incredulously. "But what about—"

"Quiet!" Umbridge yelled. "Or would you all like to be in detention? When you are finished reading, begin copying Chapter One onto your parchment. There will be a quiz at the end of the week."

Thirty minutes passed as the class dutifully read the dull text. Harry glared at his book as if he wanted to stab it. Hermione didn't look much better. Tonks pondered just how far the Ministry would be willing to go to silence Harry. She had an uneasy feeling that the dementors hadn't been sent to Privet Drive by Voldemort.

Making up her mind, she raised her hand and spoke without waiting for an acknowledgment. "Professor, the book isn't clear about the wand movement for a shield charm. Perhaps you could demonstrate for us?"

Umbridge frowned at her. "This is a Ministry-approved text and the directions are clear, Miss…?"

"Blackwell, Professor."

"Blackwell. Indeed," she said with a sugary smile. "Is that a common muggle name?"

Tonks shrugged. "Less common than Umbridge I'd wager. There are probably thousands of them scattered about."

Umbridge blinked and slowly turned red. "I'm sure I wouldn't know."

"You might want to look into it, Professor. No doubt you have some muggle relatives who would be delighted to meet you. There's a whole clan of Umbridge's out on the moors, I believe. They do a lot of frog-hunting."

There were some disbelieving snorts and muffed laughter from the back of the class.

Umbridge looked moments away from drawing her wand. "20 points from Gryffindor, Miss Blackwell, and a detention."

Tonks gasped. "But why, Professor?"

"Because I said so!" she growled, dropping her simpering persona. "Now be quiet, girl, or do you wish to join Mr. Potter for the entire week?"

"I apologize, ma'am, but I just wanted to see a demonstration of the shield spell. I know _we're_ not allowed to cast spells in here, but surely you are."

Harry couldn't resist a little smile at the pulsing vein that rose to the surface of Umbridge's forehead. Tonks apparently knew just how to push her buttons. If they could prove her to be an incompetent tyrant, the students might start believing that he was telling the truth.

"A week's detention, Blackwell," Umbridge said. "I have already told you there will be no dangerous spells cast in this classroom. Your muggle relations may have tolerated such insolence, but I will not. In the magical world, you show proper respect to your betters."

If Umbridge was unnerved by the grin she received in response, she didn't show it.

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Just before dinner, Tonks hissed at the gargoyle and strode angrily up the stairs to Dumbledore's office. She threw herself down in a seat without invitation. The Headmaster raised a single bushy eyebrow.

"Can I help you, Nymphadora?"

"That cow needs to go," she said curtly. "She's deliberately sabotaging Defense class and slandering Harry every chance she gets."

He sighed. "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about Madam Umbridge for the time being. Cornelius is looking for an excuse to remove me from my positions, so we must all be on our best behavior and endure what inconveniences we must."

"Inconveniences! What do you mean you can't do anything about her? You're the Headmaster, aren't you?"

"She is soon to be appointed 'High Inquisitor,' alas, which will give her the power to judge the performance of the staff. Surely you can understand the delicacy of the situation."

"I understand that you can't just send her away, sir, but surely we can neuter her. You're leading a group of vigilantes, for Merlin's sake."

"What gave you the impression that the Order is composed of vigilantes, my dear?"

"I don't know, maybe the fact that we're fighting Voldemort in secret because the Ministry won't?"

Dumbledore rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. "We must keep our heads down until Voldemort goes public, or we risk antagonizing future allies and losing the support of the Ministry."

"We don't _have_ the support of the Ministry! They're bloody doing his work for him. Are we supposed to just let him take over without anyone realizing the danger?"

He raised an eyebrow at her tone. "What would you have me do?"

Tonks took a deep breath, trying to control her temper. It was foolish to take out her frustrations on Dumbledore, but he was the one holding all the cards. "Something about Umbridge, sir. A potions accident, for all I care. Harry's already got half the castle glaring at him and she's making it worse. Plus he's not going to learn a damn thing in Defense except how to die."

"I understand your concerns, but Madam Umbridge will not be here forever. Harry will be ready when the time comes. He has performed admirably thus far."

Tonks snorted. Her respect for Dumbledore had been slowly eroding since she joined the Order, and she couldn't fathom why he was treating Harry with such seeming nonchalance. Did he think it acceptable for him to fight basilisks and dementors and Dark Lords every year? And in the very halls of Hogwarts?

"He told me you've barely spoken to him in months. Why?"

"I have my reasons, and they are related to the war. I care deeply for Harry, Nymphadora. Surely you can see that. You protected him all summer."

She sank into her chair. Trying to get a straight answer out of the Headmaster was like arguing with a sphinx. He seemed sincere, but there was something going on that she couldn't quite put her finger on. "He's not just a famous kid, is he?"

"I'm afraid I don't take your meaning."

"He told me about all of his adventures. Took me down to see that great bloody basilisk. Why doesn't anyone know about what's been happening here?"

Dumbledore eyed her for a long moment. "What do you think Voldemort's supporters would have done if they knew he was still out there, trying to find a way back?"

"Fine," she said, with a touch of petulance. "But why was Sturgis arrested? Bones told me he's facing Azkaban, and you won't even tell us what we're guarding. Why is the Department of Mysteries so important?"

Dumbledore's face hardened, and the powerful wizard behind the genial mask came to the fore. "Your job is to protect Harry, Miss Tonks. Don't forget that I am allowing your presence here. The Order is safeguarding items that Voldemort badly wants. At this moment that is all you need to know."

Tonks swallowed her initial response. She knew that there were things he couldn't tell her. It didn't make it any easier to accept. She had signed up to arrest criminals and fight dark wizards, not play political games.

Dumbledore's grandfatherly mien slowly returned as he watched her gain control of her emotions. "I know you are frustrated, Nymphadora," he said gently. "So am I. But there are many ways to wage a war, something you will understand when you are older. You must trust me."

She took a deep breath and stood, looking him squarely in the eye. "I understand, sir. But somebody's got to fight the bad guys with their wands. It feels like we're just bending over for them."

Dumbledore sighed and watched her retreating back as she strode out of the room.

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Harry and Tonks were both in a grim mood as they knocked on the door to Umbridge's office. Neither knew what to expect from their detention with the witch, but it would surely be nothing good. Tonks readied herself to draw her wand at a moment's notice.

She smiled tightly at Harry. "Look on the bright side. At least we don't have to be glued to Hermione in the library tonight."

"That's the bright side?"

"Did you see the exam study schedule she's got drawn up for you?"

"Point taken."

Umbridge's door opened and they steeled themselves.

"Welcome," she simpered. "Do come in and have a seat."

Her office was decorated like something out of Harry's nightmares. There were plates and moving pictures of kittens everywhere. The color pink dominated the room. Everything appeared to be covered in doilies.

"What will we be doing for detention, Professor?" he asked flatly, settling himself into an uncomfortable desk.

"You will both be writing lines," she replied with a disconcerting smile.

She handed each a jet black quill. "Don't worry; you won't be needing your own ink. Just the quill will do. Mr. Potter, you will write 'I must not tell lies.' Miss Blackwell, you will write 'I must respect my betters.' Do you understand?"

"How many lines?" Tonks asked, inwardly furious.

"Oh, until the message sinks in, I think."

Both removed parchment from their bags, still unsure how this was going to work without ink. Harry wrote his first line and winced. 'I must not tell lies' glistened both on the parchment and on the back of his hand.

Tonks cautiously wrote her own line. 'I must respect my betters' appeared on her hand. She glanced at the parchment. It was clearly written in blood.

Umbridge watched them both with a smug smile. "This will take a few hours, I imagine. I know how hard it is for some children to learn."

Harry glanced sideways at Tonks, willing to follow her lead. She was the Auror, and presumably knew what they could get away with. He wasn't even certain Umbridge's behavior was legal.

She stared at her hand for a long moment, her face a stony mask. Harry cleared his throat. She shook her head. He sighed and began writing.

The pair wrote their lines together for the next three hours. Umbridge didn't allow them to speak. Occasionally they would look up to see her staring at them with a delighted smile on her face. Harry wanted more than anything in the world to wipe it off.

He had never seen Tonks so serious. He suspected she had some sort of plan, because every so often he would notice subtle movements beneath her desk. Her left hand was in her lap, palming her wand at an angle obscured from Umbridge's view. She occasionally moved and whispered something, but he wasn't sure what she was doing.

Their detention finally came to an end several minutes before curfew. Umbridge watched them as they gathered their things and cradled their bleeding hands.

"That was a fine start," she said. "I think by this time next week you'll understand the importance of the lessons you learn in my class. Don't you agree?"

It was all Harry could do to mutter 'yes ma'am.'

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They returned to the Gryffindor common room just after curfew, lucky not to have been caught out of bounds by Malfoy or other prefects. Harry was somewhat surprised that Umbridge hadn't arranged exactly that.

Ron and Hermione were waiting on them in a corner of the room, concerned looks on their faces. Harry collapsed into a seat. Tonks made to join him but stumbled.

There was a yowl and an angry hiss, then Crookshanks darted from beneath a chair and up the stairs to Hermione's room.

Tonks winced. "Oops."

Hermione glared at her. "That's twice! Are you trying to step on him, or are you just a menace to cats?"

"It's not my fault they have tails."

She huffed and looked between them. "Well, how was it?"

"As awful as you'd imagine," Harry replied, holding up the back of his hand.

Ron peered at it. "You've got to be kidding, mate."

"Nope. She's got a quill that makes you write in your own blood."

Hermione slowly turned red. "She will _not_ get away with this. I'm going to the Headmaster."

"Don't bother," Tonks said. "I had a conversation with him this afternoon. He says his hands are tied. That doesn't mean we can't do anything about her."

"But what can we do? She's a Professor."

"I cast a few subtle detection charms while we were there. Her desk and door are warded, but I couldn't find listening charms or the like anywhere."

"I wondered what you were doing," Harry said. "How does that help us?"

Tonks smiled and it was all teeth. "It means we're going to have a spot of fun with her. I'm going to break in there and search her things. If I can find something to pin on her, I'll collect the evidence and take it to Bones. In the meantime we'll make her regret her decision to teach here."

"But how?" Ron asked.

"Eh, I've got a few ideas. I need to get in touch with some friends at St. Mungo's who have access to…things."

"So we're going to prank her?" he asked eagerly. "The twins will want to help. They'll probably be irritated if you don't let them."

"What can they do?"

"What can't they do?" Hermione replied with some disapproval. "I had to stop them from testing their products on first years earlier. One little girl turned into a chicken and another fainted."

"Well, that's got potential."

Harry held up his bleeding hand. "So we're just going to prank her?" he said disappointedly. "She's torturing us and poisoning the whole school."

"I know it sucks, Harry, but we have to be careful. For now we have to let her think she's winning. If worse comes to worst, I'll get my hands on some veritaserum and make her spill her guts. We'll get her."

He nodded, her assurances assuaging some of his anger. He was feeling mighty vindictive lately with all the hate the wizarding world was piling on him. "We better."

Hermione eyed him cautiously. She didn't like to see her best friend hurt, but she didn't like it any better when he got angry. He tended to act first and think later. "This is all well and good, but what are we going to do about learning defense? We can't even practice spells."

Tonks waved her concerns away. "Don't worry about it. If no one else is willing to train you, I'll do it myself. We'll have to set aside some time on the weekends."

"You mean like in Auror techniques?" Harry said in surprise. He was disappointed with himself that he hadn't thought of it earlier.

"Among other things," she answered. "Right now we need to find some murtlap and a camera."

Hermione frowned at their hands. "Is there really nothing we can do about that?"

"Never interrupt your enemy when she's making a mistake."

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 **A/N:** Just to clarify something that a few people have asked about: this isn't a manipulative Dumbledore story where he's secretly Harry's enemy. This is canon Dumbledore, the one who cares for Harry but is secretive (and negligent) to a fault.

Thanks to BennyS for his valuable input, and thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 6:**

Fred and George Weasley were alone in their dorm room, poking their wands at what appeared to be a miniature chicken.

"Oy, wonder twins," a voice called out from thin air.

They flinched and pointed their wands at the noise, only to relax when Violet Blackwell appeared from beneath an invisibility cloak.

"How can we be of service, Miss Blackwell?" one responded.

"And might I add you're looking absolutely smashing this lovely morning!" added the other.

She looked between them and shook her head. "Don't even think about it. I've already dated one ginger, and he was in love with 40-ton beasts. I'm not adding a pair who has an obsession with poultry."

"Well, that's a shame. We're interested in amphibians and mammals too, you know."

"And that's why I'm here. The rumor is that you have some useful talents. Are you interested in helping me with a little project?"

"What sort of project?"

Tonks looked around the room and cast a pair of privacy charms. "I'm calling it 'Operation Toad-in-the-Hole.' Top secret Auror business, you know."

The twins looked at each other and grinned. "We would be delighted to assist the Auror department. Never let it be said that Weasleys aren't patriotic."

Tonks smiled and handed them thirty galleons. "Here's a little something to help your research. Use it to buy whatever you need, but don't test it on helpless firsties."

They accepted the money eagerly. "And what avenues of research would you like us to pursue?"

"Oh, you know. Things that might cause our enemies a little discomfort. Maybe create some mass chaos if we need a distraction. Whatever strikes your fancy. All in the name of protecting our dear Harry, of course."

"Auror Blackwell, I do believe we have ourselves an accord."

"Former Auror Blackwell for the moment, boys, but let's not quibble over semantics. Just give me the good stuff when you're ready, and I'll make sure your arses are covered. Plausible deniability and all that."

"And who might our targets be?"

"One of them might rhyme with 'Dumpstridge.' I'm sure you can guess the others, but let's leave it a surprise. That way you can enjoy the show with everyone else."

"We'll get right on it."

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The first week at Hogwarts proceeded just as the trio and their new friend expected. Tonks dutifully followed Hermione around outside of classes and did her best to remain conscious during them. She was finding the experience to be even more tedious the second time around. She was mercifully spared turning in assignments for Professors Snape and McGonagall, and got away with turning in half-hearted efforts for others.

Harry found classes to be equally frustrating. None were teaching him what he needed to survive, and Hagrid's absence was unsettling. On the bright side, his defiance of Umbridge had made the rounds of the school, and a few people began looking at him with less hostility. But everyone's attention was exhausting him, and he looked forward to the moment when they all realized their mistake. It didn't help that he wasn't sleeping well. His dreams of wet kisses had been replaced by visions of long, dark corridors. They were now dominating his sleep, leaving him with a mild headache every morning when he woke.

He and Tonks attended Umbridge's detentions every night of the week, each time taking detailed pictures of the results. He glared at the witch during classes but kept his mouth shut, knowing they would ultimately have their revenge. Tonks had a plan, and he couldn't wait to hear what it was.

On Friday evening, he got his wish.

Tonks and the trio watched the Marauder's Map as they lounged in a secluded corner of the Gryffindor common room. She cast privacy and notice-me-not charms around them and smiled gleefully.

"Okay, you lot, she looks to be gone for the night. I'm going in."

"Are you sure you can get away with this?" Hermione asked uncertainly.

"Positive. I've been fiddling with her wards every night in detention. I should be able to get through without anyone being the wiser."

"I'm coming with you," Harry said.

Tonks shook her head. "Not a good idea, Harry. If things go pear-shaped, you need to be far away from there."

"I have an invisibility cloak too," he insisted. "And if things go south, you'll want some backup."

She frowned, considering it.

"Oh, come on," he pleaded. "She's been torturing me all week too. It's not like we've never broken into a professor's office."

"Whose office did you break into?"

Hermione smiled in remembrance. "Professor Snape's. Second year."

Tonks let out a low whistle. "Now that took some stones. I want to hear that story sometime."

"After we're done," Harry said. "But I'm coming with you."

"Fine. But at the first sign of trouble I want you under your cloak and out of there. Ron, Hermione—stay here with the map. If we get caught, find McGonagall or the Headmaster or someone."

"Got it," Ron agreed. He wasn't pleased at being left out, but they couldn't easily fit more than one person under Harry's cloak.

Harry retrieved his cloak from his dorm room and he and Tonks casually walked out of Gryffindor tower. When no one was looking, they covered themselves in their separate cloaks and stalked toward Umbridge's office. There were few students loitering in the corridors on a Friday night, but still their progress was slow, mostly because neither could see the other. They bumped into each other no less than three times as both navigated turns and tried to occupy the same space. Harry was just grateful that he hadn't sent Tonks careening down a flight of stairs.

When they finally reached Umbridge's office, she stopped abruptly in front of the door and he walked straight into her.

"Oof," he gasped as his throat connected with her shoulder, nearly sending him to the floor. His hands flew out instinctively, and he grabbed Tonks to steady himself. It took him a moment to realize that the spot he had grabbed with his right hand was a rather soft mound.

He pulled his hand away quickly. "Er, sorry. Couldn't bloody see you."

She snickered invisibly next to him. "Get a good feel, Harry? You're blushing like mad under that cloak, aren't you?"

"Shut up. Let's just get on with it."

"Capital idea."

He 'watched' as she performed some sort of complex spell on the door. He couldn't see her wand, but he could hear her mutter under her breath. He stayed silent despite his curiosity. After a long tense moment, the door briefly glowed and then returned to normal.

"Gotcha," Tonks said smugly. "Let's do this."

The door opened and he gave her a moment to enter before him. He stepped into the dark office, the light from the corridor barely illuminating the room.

"Don't whip it off just yet," he heard her whisper.

A moment later the cats on the dinner plates stopped moving, and Tonks shut the door and took off her cloak. Harry quickly followed suit.

"No portraits to worry about in here," she said, "but I wasn't sure about those kittens. I doubt they can spy, but better safe than sorry. I don't want the bloody things looking at me anyway."

Harry nodded and looked around the room. He was familiar with it from their detentions, but now he was free to examine it minutely. There wasn't much in it save Umbridge's desk, two student desks, a gaudy rug on the floor, and Umbridge's horrific taste in decorations.

"What are we looking for?" he asked as Tonks examined the desk with her wand.

"Dunno. Anything that gives us a hint about her plans. I doubt she's stupid enough to keep something important here, but you never know. She thinks doilies are the height of fashion."

Harry watched as she swept her wand across Umbridge's desk until it too glowed briefly.

"Here we go," Tonks said eagerly. "Keep an eye on that floo. I'll be quick about it."

She spent the next five minutes rifling through Umbridge's desk. He could tell she was disappointed just from the noises she was making.

"Nothing?"

"Bollocks," she said with a sigh. "Just these bloody quills, her gradebook, and a list of pureblood students. That's a bit sketchy, but it doesn't really help us."

"Why don't we just break the quills? Aren't they illegal?"

Tonks shrugged. "Not that I know of. Probably created them herself. Torture is illegal, but she'd just argue she was disciplining unruly students. With Fudge in charge, she'd get a slap on the wrist at best."

"Dammit, I just want her out of here."

"I know, Harry. I do too. But think about it. She's mean and she's nasty, but she's also a bit of a fool. What if we get rid of her and they send someone worse?"

"How could anyone be worse?"

"You really want to tempt fate like that? We'll spy on her and give her enough rope to hang herself. She'll probably take down the Minister with her."

"Fine," Harry grumbled. Patience was not his strong suit.

"That's the spirit. Let's see what's in her bedroom and get the hell out of here."

The door to Umbridge's bedroom, oddly enough, wasn't warded. They opened it warily, illuminating the room with their wands. It was decorated just as gaudily as her office, with pink and green the dominant colors. There was even a huge white doily on her bed. The room smelled strongly of perfume and something foul that Harry suspected was her natural body odor. He stayed at the edge of the door, having no desire to be in close contact with Umbridge's belongings.

Tonks stepped inside and began searching her dresser cautiously, taking careful note of where things belonged.

"Hey, Harry, check these out."

He looked up only to catch a garment in the face. He pulled it off and frowned, then tossed it on the ground in horror. It was a huge pair of pink bloomers.

"Just imagine where those have been," she said with a grin.

"Oh my God. What is the matter with you?"

She laughed. "Now we know which drawer she keeps her underwear in. That information could prove very useful."

"Only if you want to scar someone for life."

"You'll never guess what those awful things were hiding. Look at these."

She held up a pair of battered paperback novels. Harry had to squint to see them. "What are they?"

"Some very interesting reading material for a bigot. Lots of werewolves ravishing fair maidens in these. Looks like she's got secret fantasies about big hairy lovers."

"Holy shit, Tonks. Please stop."

She shrugged. "They're the only decent books here. I don't see anything else interesting. Nothing is suspicious except that list of everyone's blood status. I didn't even realize the Ministry kept track of that."

"So there's nothing we can really use against her?"

"Not yet. A bit disappointing really, but at least she doesn't have an obvious plan to murder you. We can always manufacture some evidence to get rid of her. I'll try to get hold of some truth serum, but I might have to nick it from Snape. I don't think the Order has any at Grimmauld."

"Is that legal?"

She gave him a flat look. "Of course not. But I'm an Auror, Harry. Well, sort of. It's easy to do, as long as you can get your hands on the potion."

He didn't find that thought comforting. If the good guys could accomplish something like that so easily, so could the bad guys.

"Don't worry about it. Not much choice when the other guys don't play by the rules. It may not stick in a courtroom, but we can find enough reason to get her tossed out of Hogwarts."

She paused and looked at Umbridge's gigantic pink knickers on the floor. "That Dobby fellow belongs to you, right?"

"Er, he's free, but he's a friend."

Tonks grinned nastily. "Works for me. You reckon he'd be willing to do her laundry personally? We really should try to enhance her experience as a Professor."

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The next afternoon, Tonks, Ron, and Hermione watched as Harry strode back and forth in front of a tapestry on the seventh floor corridor. Dobby had agreed to be part of their plans against Umbridge, and that collaboration was already yielding fruitful results. They were in need of a secret place to cast spells, far from prying eyes, and Harry's little friend had insisted he knew the perfect place.

"Are you sure this is the right spot?" Hermione asked doubtfully. "Nothing's happening."

Harry frowned at the wall. He looked behind him at the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, who was waving his arms at a horde of trolls in tutus. "There can't possibly another wizard who teaches ballet to trolls. It has to be the right place."

"What were you imagining?" Hermione asked. "Dobby said—"

A moment later a door appeared on the wall.

"Oh. I guess it just takes a second to appear."

They opened the door and entered curiously. Inside was a cavernous room with two dueling platforms, a few human-shaped dummies, a table, and some chairs. The walls of the room appeared to have a light sheen of magic coating them.

Tonks whistled as she examined their surroundings. "Harry, remind me to include your elf in my will. We really need to do something nice for him."

"No kidding," he replied. "I think he likes socks. Lots of socks. And hats."

"I'm going to buy him a big one that says 'Harry Potter Sir's Bestest Friend.'"

She blasted one wall of the room with fire for more than ten seconds. It absorbed the spell without leaving so much as a scorch mark. "This place is amazing. I wish I had known about it when I was here."

"I can't imagine the magic that went in to creating it," Hermione said. "What were you asking the room for, Harry?"

"I don't know. Nothing specific. Just a place for us to practice spells."

"It must be like the sorting hat," she theorized. "Somehow it can see inside your mind and know exactly what you want."

"I wonder what else it can do," Ron said, poking at one of the lifelike dummies. "Can we change it while we're in it?"

Harry focused and asked the room for books on dueling, and an entire wall was replaced by a series of bookcases.

"Whoa."

Ron winced. "Did you have to ask for books, mate? Now Hermione will never want to leave."

She rushed to the bookcases. "Oh, my God. I bet we could have access to the entire Restricted Section in here!"

"Told you so."

"Oh, hush. Can you imagine? We might be able to read every book in the castle!"

Tonks shook her head. "We found a room that could be used to do anything we want, and you want it to bring you more books? Godric's garters, girl, we need to find you a hobby."

Hermione ignored her and muttered something under her breath.

The trio spread out to examine the space, while Tonks tapped her chin in thought.

"Harry, see if the room will let us see inside the Slytherin common room."

His eyebrows rose in surprise. Surely it couldn't be that easy. He concentrated for a moment and a huge mirror appeared on one wall. He looked at Tonks in astonishment, then moved closer. The mirror provided a clear view inside the Slytherin common room. There were more than two dozen students lounging on chairs and couches in the green and silver room. The whole atmosphere was murky, with dim lighting and round windows that appeared to offer an underwater view of the lake. They could hear the quiet whispers and mutters of people talking to each other and turning the pages of books.

"Bloody hell," Ron whispered.

"Is this real?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"It has to be," Hermione said. "Look. There's Parkinson in the corner, talking to Bulstrode."

"Dear God, we are going to abuse the hell out of this place," Tonks said eagerly. "This will save me the trouble of breaking into Slytherin all the time."

Ron glanced at Harry. "Hey, mate," he tried to whisper. "Ask to see the quidditch locker room."

"Ronald!" Hermione yelled. His whispering skills weren't quite as subtle as he supposed.

But the room had already obeyed Harry's request. A second mirror appeared next to the first, offering the group a view of the Gryffindor girls' quidditch showers. Ron hadn't specified which part of the locker room he wanted to see, but Harry's mind had instantly leapt to the proper conclusion. The showers were currently empty, luckily for the boys. Or unluckily, depending on one's perspective.

"You will not use this place to spy on girls!" Hermione said. "If I discover you doing it, I will…I will…do something you'll regret!"

Tonks snorted. "Good one, Hermione. That'll convince them."

Harry and Ron looked at each other and smiled. Harry had no intention of using the room for such a thing, but it was fun to rile Hermione up.

"Forget about naked girls for a minute," Tonks said, interrupting Ron's fantasies. "Ask for Umbridge's office."

A third mirror appeared, revealing Umbridge's familiar office, complete with frolicking kittens. It too was currently empty.

She laughed loudly and her hair turned pink. "Oh, it's on now, chaps. We're setting up camp in here. See if it works on the Minister's office."

Harry concentrated, but a new mirror failed to appear.

"Shite. Looks like we're limited to Hogwarts. Still, whoever made this was a bloody genius."

"Or a pervert," Hermione muttered, still glaring at Harry and Ron.

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An hour later, Harry groaned as he returned to consciousness. He stared up at the visage of a smirking Violet Blackwell, her wand still trained on him after reviving him.

"Do you know what you did wrong that time?"

"I let you stun me," he said angrily as he hauled himself to his feet.

"Well, yes, but I'm looking for something more precise."

"My shield keeps buckling. And I can't dodge fast enough."

"And you're not making me go on defense," she added. "Let's have another go."

Harry and Tonks both resumed dueling stances thirty feet away from each other. She counted down to one and both launched stunners. Each danced away, and the real duel began.

She grinned as one of Harry's spells splashed against her shield, then morphed into the form of Parvati Patil. "Now that's not very nice, Harry. You wouldn't hurt the girl who gave you your first kiss, would you?"

He blushed for a moment and then regrouped. So much for hoping she didn't know about that. He dodged a bludgeoning spell and sprayed water on the floor beneath her. He was still in the act of transfiguring it to ice when Tonks turned it into steam.

Then she morphed into Umbridge. "Hem-hem, Mr. Potter. You're not going to let a Ministry stooge get the best of you, are you?"

Harry growled and cast a pair of stunners at her, but she dodged nimbly out of the way. He had no doubt the real Umbridge couldn't perform such a maneuver.

She cackled and forced Harry to cast a shield as she bombarded it with three hexes in a row. "You can't hide behind that shield forever, my pretty."

He jumped to the side and prepared to go on the offensive when something crashed into his legs from behind and he was sent sprawling backwards. He landed hard on the floor and his wand sailed through the air. He groaned as he realized she had summoned a chair from across the room.

Tonks turned back into the form of Violet Blackwell. "That was better, Harry, but you need to be aware of your surroundings. Everything can be used as a weapon in a fight. If you don't know what's behind you, you've already lost."

He grumbled and got back to his feet. Tonks smiled and handed him back his wand.

Hermione and Ron had watched the duel from chairs nearby. Both looked just as ragged as Harry felt. Tonks had spent the last hour dueling them in succession, several times each, to get a handle on their skills. They hadn't come off well.

"Cheer up, kids," she said, noting their glum faces. "Did you really expect to beat a fully-trained Auror as fifth years? Now you know how much better you need to be."

"You wiped the floor with us," Ron complained, rubbing his shoulder.

"Aye, and I've been training almost every day for three years."

"Never mind Voldemort, how am I supposed to fight Death Eaters if I can't stand up to a single Auror?" Harry said despondently.

"I'm going to pretend like you didn't just insult me. I've been drilled by Mad-Eye himself until I couldn't walk the next day. Now I'm going to return the favor for you. But you're going to need to be in here most nights if we can swing it."

"How are you so much more powerful than we are?" Hermione asked, nursing her own bruises.

"It's not because I was born that way. Harry would definitely have beaten me when I was your age. But power doesn't mean what you think it means."

"What does it mean then? I thought you were either powerful or you weren't," Harry said.

Tonks shook her head. "There are prodigies like the Headmaster, but they're really rare. The rest of us common folk? We can't all be superstars, but we can be become as powerful as we want to be, within reason. Most people are just too lazy."

Ron looked at her doubtfully. "Seriously?"

"Magic is like a muscle," she replied. "You have to train it constantly or it gets weak. You want your banisher to hit like the Hogwarts Express? Practice every day, and train your magic until it becomes second nature."

She tapped her chin. "Think of it like this. You've seen muggle bodybuilders, right? Well, those blokes didn't start looking like that overnight. They spent every day in the gym for years. Anyone could look like that if they're willing to put in the effort. But very few people are. Magic is the same way."

"I don't have years," Harry said.

"You're also not doing this alone, Harry Potter. No one is expecting you to duel Voldemort in the middle of Diagon Alley. Just do your best."

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It was an exhausted group of Gryffindors that lounged around the corner of the common room later that evening. Harry was starting to think of it as their corner. Other students conceded the space to them, no doubt aided by his new reputation as a delusional liar. Lavender and Parvati, at least, seemed to have stopped doubting him, even if they weren't coming to his defense.

Their training session with Tonks had been eye-opening for him, and not in a good way. The one bright spot of the day had been the posted results of the Gryffindor quidditch tryouts. Harry had not been able to attend due to his detentions, but Ron had successfully become the team's new keeper. Harry was ecstatic for him. Not only would he have a best mate on the team, but he knew Ron was looking for ways to step out of his shadow. It wasn't an easy thing to be friends with the most famous teenager in their world.

Ron groaned as he stretched his tired muscles. "I'm going to be sore tomorrow, I can tell. Quidditch will be brutal on Monday."

Hermione shifted in her seat. "I think my bum is bruised."

"That's too bad, because you're in for more tomorrow afternoon," Tonks replied.

" _We_ are going to the library tomorrow," she retorted. "We have homework to do."

"You can't have that much homework, and there's a library in our new favorite room as well."

"Fine," she muttered.

Tonks frowned at her. She knew Hermione was unhappy with her performance in the duels earlier, but this seemed like something more than having a new 'friend' forced on her. She resolved to talk to her about it soon.

"One more thing about our little sessions," Tonks added in a whisper. "Let's keep them to ourselves. Don't tell other students, and don't tell Dumbledore, at least for now."

"Why not?" Harry asked.

"I don't know. I just don't like the vibes I'm getting from him. He's not talking to you and he's not made plans to train you. I don't like it."

"But he's the head of the Order," Hermione insisted. "Surely he should know about everything that's happening."

"He might figure it out on his own, but I see no reason to be open with him. He's not being open with us."

"Aren't you a member of the Order?" she persisted. "They're the only ones fighting Voldemort. We can't keep secrets from the Headmaster."

Tonks sighed and rubbed her forehead tiredly. "The Order's not what you think it is, Hermione."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not a group of fighters opposing Voldemort. It should be, but it's not. It's basically a bunch of people reporting rumors to Dumbledore. There are only a few of us who can fight."

"That's not very encouraging," Harry said.

"I know. Look, I'm probably not supposed to be talking like this to you. But I'm going to anyway, okay? You've got a right to know, but you have to promise me not to tell anyone."

Everyone nodded. The lure of insider knowledge outweighed even Hermione's allegiance to authority.

"When I first joined, I thought—well, I thought we would be a proper vigilante group, you know? We'd take the fight to Voldemort; do the dirty work the Ministry couldn't get away with."

"And that's not what it is?" Harry asked.

"Not at all. After I got a feel for who was in the group, let's just say…I was not impressed."

"We've only seen a handful of people. Who else is in it?"

"I really shouldn't tell you," she replied. "Sorry. But you can't count on the Order to be ready to fight at a moment's notice. It's more like Dumbledore's fan club. Most of them are old and crotchety. Only a handful of us would be useful in a duel."

"Well, what are they doing then, if they're not actively opposing Voldemort?" Ron grumbled.

Tonks shrugged. "It's hard to say. This summer we were protecting Harry, and now we've got some kind of guard on the Department of Mysteries. Outside of that, we're just reporting rumors to Dumbledore and he's making plans that he doesn't tell anyone else about. A couple people are on secret missions. He calls it gathering intelligence, but what's he going to learn from Arabella Figg? Which of her kneazles is in heat? Elphias Doge couldn't overhear a conversation if you shouted in his one good ear. It's frustrating."

"Lovely," Harry said with a sigh. "Why are you guarding the Department of Mysteries?"

"Nobody knows. There's all kinds of stuff for the boffins to play with down there. Dumbledore implied it's some kind of weapon that Voldemort wants to get his hands on."

"Does your boss know about all of this?"

Tonks squirmed a little. "Most of it. But you need to keep quiet about that too. If the shite hits the fan, she's probably more competent than the Headmaster at leading a fight. But her hands are tied right now. She knows you're an asset, Harry. She's doing what she can."

"So we're basically fumbling in the dark here."

Tonks smiled. "Don't worry. That's why I'm here. Your bodacious bodyguard is going to teach you everything you need to know."

He shivered at the glint in her eye.

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The next evening, Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat together in a far corner of the library, hidden from view. Hermione insisted on some quality library time, despite having an incomparable resource at her disposal in the Room of Requirement. Tonks was willing to leave the three of them alone for short periods of time, as long as they were together in a public place.

They looked up as Violet Blackwell turned a corner and strode toward their table. She flopped down into a chair, a huge smile on her face.

"Well, boys and girls, my friend came through. I got an owl a little while ago."

She held up a tiny vial of what looked to be red powder.

Ron squinted at it. "What is it? It looks like dirt."

"It's not dirt. It's a creature. Well, hundreds of tiny creatures to be more precise."

Hermione leaned in to examine the vial more closely. There was only a half-inch of whatever they were, and they didn't appear to be moving.

"Are you sure they're alive?"

"Oh, yes. And you don't want to get near one. They're fire crabs—itty bitty Micronesian fire crabs. Rather hard to acquire, but St. Mungo's has access to some in case they need to treat people for exposure."

"What do they do?" Harry asked. He had imagined something a little more explosive as revenge against Umbridge.

Tonks smirked. "They like to burrow into your skin and make little nests there. It's quite an interesting experience, from what I hear; you can feel them crawling around, but you can't do anything about it. If you scratch them, they bite you, and then you're dealing with fiery little bugs tormenting you day and night. Imagine what would happen if they found their way into someone's underwear."

Hermione reared back from the little vial in disgust. "Oh, Merlin."

"I love it. Malfoy or Umbridge?" Harry said eagerly.

"Why not both? Madam Pomfrey can fix them up, but it will take her awhile. These little guys are rare. It takes a special salve to kill them, and St. Mungo's accidentally lost their supply yesterday."

Ron shivered at the looks on Tonks' face. He suddenly realized he might have gotten off easy growing up with the twins. "So they're going to have to suffer for days with those little things crawling all over their bits?"

"Exactly. They'll be sweating and itching and desperate to scratch the whole crotchal area in public. We can start a few rumors about what their ailment is. Given that blondie is the toad's favorite student, people might draw some interesting conclusions."

Hermione unconsciously crossed her legs. "They won't spread to anyone else, will they?"

"Do you plan to shag Malfoy anytime soon?"

"Dear God, don't even joke about that."

Tonks laughed. "Then you should be good. These little guys can be frozen to death too, but it's a very unpleasant experience. Imagine hypothermia in your nether regions."

"So how are we going to get them into their, er, unmentionables?" Ron asked, afraid to take his eyes off the innocent-looking vial.

"Harry's little elven stalker. He kindly volunteered to take care of their laundry this year. He seemed right chuffed about having access to Draco's clothes. I wonder why."

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 **A/N:** Thanks to BennyS for his feedback on the rough draft, and thanks for reading.

I also just posted a humor oneshot called 'Better Undead than Dunderhead.' It's about Snape applying to be a vampire—a bit silly, but I'd love to hear what you think of it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 7:**

"What an absolutely gorgeous day," Violet Blackwell said with a sigh.

She was lying on her back in the grass, her hands behind her head as she stared up at the bright blue sky. Above her the fliers of the Gryffindor quidditch team were doing laps and making lazy passes, shaking off the rust of the summer. She kept a casual eye on Harry, but did not expect there to be any danger to him, aside from the usual flying iron balls. It also made her job easier that Ron had made the team as a keeper. All of her hippogriffs were in one paddock.

So far the only real threats to her charge had been from Umbridge and Malfoy. Umbridge required some close watching, as she was uncertain just how far the Ministry would go to undermine Harry. Malfoy was more of a nuisance than a threat, but she didn't fail to notice how irritated Harry was growing with the boy's taunts. It was a miracle he had made it into Slytherin, given that he had all the subtlety of a rampaging troll.

Beside her sat Hermione, a transfiguration tome resting in her lap. She had reluctantly consented to accompany Tonks to quidditch practice, so long as she was allowed to read in peace.

Tonks glanced at her companion. "You could stop reading for five minutes, you know. I won't report you to McGonagall."

"Oh, hush, I'm just getting to a good part," Hermione said absently.

"A good part? How can there be good parts in a dusty old textbook?"

Hermione blinked and looked up. "Oh. Er, I just meant that the author is describing a really interesting spell."

"Right."

Tonks made a quick lunge for the book and pulled it off her lap. She tapped it with her wand and the book suddenly changed its dimensions. _Transfiguration and Thaumaturgy_ morphed into _The Witch and Her Werewolf Lover, vol. 12_.

"Give that back!"

Tonks laughed gleefully. "I knew it! I knew you were human after all."

"Don't you dare say a word to anyone," Hermione hissed, her face growing red.

Tonks just shook her head and paged through the book. "Lots of ripped bodices and burning loins in this one, I'd wager. You've got some interesting tastes. You know we found the same book hidden underneath Umbridge's knickers? Maybe the two of you could discuss werewolf erotica over tea."

Hermione looked a little ill at the thought. "I did not need to know that."

She tossed the book back to her with a knowing smile. "Relax, Hermione, I'm just having a go. It'll be our secret. At least now I know why you love the library so much."

Hermione sniffed indignantly and reapplied the proper glamour charm. It was one of the first spells she had learned after discovering that the Hogwarts library held some fiction of a questionable nature. She had a reputation to uphold, after all. "Are we training again tonight?" she asked in an effort to change the subject.

"Nah, everybody's got homework and our boys will be tired after practice. No sense in pounding you into the ground. I want to do a little spying in the room though."

"Do you really expect to find something useful? There's barely enough time for us to be in there during the week."

Tonks shrugged. "We might get lucky. No reason not to take advantage of the place. Plus I want to see how Umbridge and Malfoy react to their new fiery friends. They should be providing us with some entertainment any day now, I reckon."

Hermione frowned but had to admit she was looking forward to that day as well. Two days ago, Dobby had scattered a host of Micronesian fire crabs into several of their undergarments, but the results had not been immediate. Apparently their targets didn't change their underwear every day. She didn't approve of pranking per se, but there was no doubt that they deserved it. Malfoy had been making their lives hell for years, and Umbridge was doing her best to surpass him.

She was pulled out of her musings as the Gryffindor team flew to the ground and dismounted nearby.

"Looks like our boys are done," Tonks said.

She watched closely as the players chatted with each other and laughed. For once, it seemed, Harry was in good spirits. Percy Weasley's infuriating letter to Ron had left both boys in a foul mood, but flying seemed to be the proper tonic.

Harry's face was flushed as his teammates patted him on the back, glad to have him back in their midst. It bothered her that he seemed to be under so much stress, but there was little she could do about it other than introduce a little fun into his routine. She had never met anyone whose life seemed to be a constant battle for survival—well, with the possible exception of Mad Eye Moody.

She was certain she wouldn't have survived her Hogwarts years had she been in Harry's shoes. It had been an extraordinary challenge to create an identity for herself that wasn't 'the weirdo metamorph.' In her third year, she had made the mistake of showing her roommates that she could grow out her boobs. It had taken less than a week for the entire school to know. After that, she had been terrified of sharing the full range of her abilities with people. Something she thought of as special and fun became an almost painful secret. With worries like Harry's added to that, she would have been driven batshit crazy and started cursing everything in sight. It was a miracle he hadn't already done so.

His teammates, at least, didn't appear to be keeping their distance from him. She watched as one of the chasers—Katie Bell, if she remembered correctly—playfully nudged Harry with her shoulder as they headed into the locker rooms. Tonks didn't need to see Harry's face to know that he was blushing.

"Well, isn't that interesting?" she said with a smile.

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Two days later, the Fates finally allowed them to witness the fruits of their labors against Umbridge and Malfoy.

Umbridge had chosen that morning to observe Professor McGonagall's fifth-year transfiguration class, which was composed of Gryffindors and Slytherins. She had wasted no time in making a nuisance of herself, using her appointment as High Inquisitor to 'observe' a different Professor's class during her free periods.

She sat at the front of the room, facing the class, with a smug smile on her face. She pretended to listen as McGonagall spoke about the limits of animate to inanimate transfigurations. She spent most of her time watching Harry and his friends. They did their best to ignore her.

The fireworks started with the sound of rustling fabric. McGonagall was gliding between desks, watching as her students attempted to turn mice into small stones. The rustling was soon punctuated by a loud gasp. McGonagall looked behind her to see Umbridge's face contorted into an indescribable expression. Her left eye twitched as she crossed and uncrossed her legs.

Harry and Tonks glanced at each other, barely able to conceal their grins.

McGonagall frowned at her supposed superior but chose to ignore her. She returned her attention to Neville Longbottom's mouse, which was making another bid for freedom. The poor creature seemed to sense imminent doom every time the boy pointed his shaking stick at it. It had already escaped the desk three times, desperate to leave the room full of insane humans.

Umbridge gasped again, and McGonagall could no longer ignore the interruption. She turned to find the High Inquisitor red-faced and squirming in her seat.

"Are you quite alright, Professor Umbridge?"

"Y-yes, Minerva. Just fine," she sputtered, her hands kneading the robes in her lap. "Carry on."

A moment later there was a whimper on the opposite side of the room, and McGonagall looked up to find Draco Malfoy in much the same condition. He had dropped his wand on the desk and thrust his hands inside his robes, his pale complexion a bright red.

The students swiveled their heads back and forth between Umbridge and Malfoy, totally confused. The snickering started when Malfoy made a strange noise and began scratching himself with abandon.

"What in Merlin's name, Mr. Malfoy?!" McGonagall exclaimed. "Five points from Slytherin for that unseemly display!"

Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Tonks did their utmost to retain their composure. Ron stared at his desk, unwilling to look at Umbridge lest he burst out laughing. Hermione recited a lesson from Binns in her head. Harry and Tonks watched the woman's writhing with barely concealed glee.

Professor McGonagall tried to keep everyone's attention on the assignment and not on the obscene wriggling occurring in their midst, but her efforts were in vain.

"What are they doing?" Lavender hissed to Parvati, and that set off a round of giggles. Soon the whole room was whispering.

Malfoy, heedless of his classmates' attention, abruptly stood from his chair, sending his mouse and wand clattering to the floor.

"Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall said angrily, her patience at an end. "What is the meaning of this? Return to your seat!"

"I—I need to be excused!" he nearly shouted. He left his things behind and shot out the door at a run. Confused laughter followed his exit, even from the Slytherins. McGonagall stared after him in bewilderment.

A moment later Umbridge followed his lead. She leapt from her seat and bolted out of the room without a word.

Tonks grinned smugly. With any luck, there would be nasty rumors all over the school by lunch. A few subtle hints to Parvati and Lavender and the Hogwarts gossip machine would be inventing all sorts of lurid fantasies.

She glanced sideways at Harry. "We are going back to the Room as soon as humanly possible. I can't _wait_ to see this."

McGonagall sniffed at the mirth on display in her classroom. "That is quite enough. Now that there are no more distractions, I want everyone to show me what they can do with their mice."

Neville sighed at his empty desk. His mouse had disappeared during the distraction and was now likely hiding in a place that not even the house elves could find.

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Two hours later, the quartet finally found time to gather in the Room of Requirement. They had wanted to come straightaway, but Professor Trelawney wasn't likely to accept 'watching our enemies squirm' as an excuse for their absence.

Harry was the first into the Room, with Ron close on his heels, eager to watch some good old-fashioned humiliation. They hurriedly requested mirrors to see inside Umbridge's office and Malfoy's dorm room. With any luck, they would both be beside themselves with discomfort. Not to mention forced to have an incredibly embarrassing conversation with Pomfrey to find some relief.

"It's show time, chaps!" Tonks said happily, sinking into a squashy chair the room had provided. "Harry, call your little stalker. Let's get some popcorn in here."

A moment later Dobby provided them with huge bowls of popcorn. They stared at the mirrors, waiting in anticipation, but their hopes were disappointed. The rooms they had requested were empty.

"Ugh, they're not there," Ron said. "Check the Hospital Wing."

The room obeyed Harry's wishes, but their targets were still nowhere to be seen. He growled in frustration, desperate to see Umbridge punished for the torture she had inflicted during his detentions. "If we miss this—"

"Just use the map," Hermione said. She too wanted to watch Umbridge and Malfoy suffer. Ordinarily she would have considered this an invasion of privacy, but desperate times called for desperate measures. It wasn't often she let her vindictive streak come to the fore, but when she did it wasn't safe to be near her. Ordinary first-years don't set Professors on fire.

Tonks pulled the Marauder's Map from within her robes. Though Harry had grumbled about the inconvenience, he had seen the wisdom of allowing her to possess it. She searched for the proper names hurriedly.

"Dammit, I don't see Malfoy anywhere. Where could he be? Quidditch? And Umbridge isn't—no, there!—she's on her way back to her quarters. She should be there soon."

A moment later Umbridge entered her office and slammed the door behind her. Harry could barely contain his glee at the look on her face. Her hair was disheveled and her face was a blotchy red, as if she had been running for hours. She carried a small jar of white cream in her shaking hands. She tossed it on her desk in her hurry to remove her robes.

Their delight at her predicament slowly morphed into horror as she shed her outer robes and unceremoniously thrust her hands down the front of her skirt. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she scratched herself.

"Oh, Meerrrrlin, that's good," she moaned, digging for all she was worth into her crotch. "Oh, yes, right there," she added with a little giggle. Her ceramic kittens purred in response.

Ron coughed and nearly choked on his popcorn while Hermione patted him on the back.

"I'm going to be sick," Harry whispered in disgusted awe, but couldn't find it in himself to look away.

Umbridge dropped her skirt to the floor, revealing a pair of frilly pink bloomers. All four reared back in disgust as the sound of audible scratching and demented giggles filled the air.

Tonks' hair turned bright green and Hermione paled. "Yeah, maybe this wasn't—"

She never got a chance to finish her sentence, as Umbridge chose that moment to stretch across her desk and grab the jar of salve. The position caused her bloomers to slip below her waistline, and her four voyeurs were treated to a vision of huge, pasty arse cheeks filling the mirror. But it was the giant, hairy mole in the center of one that finally roused them from their horrified stupor.

"Turn it off!" Ron shouted, slamming his eyes shut. "For the love of Merlin, turn it off!"

Harry gagged and quickly willed the mirror away. There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence, and they all looked at each other sheepishly.

Tonks cleared her throat, her hair finally returning to its violet color. "Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea in the world. I think I'd rather just imagine them suffering."

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"Alright, that's enough for tonight," she said tiredly, wiping sweat from her brow. "Your accuracy is getting better, so maybe next time we'll work on fighting as a group."

Ron groaned and sank into a chair the room had provided. "No one told me I was signing up for Auror training."

"You're not doing real Auror training, Ronnie. But you're not doing half-bad. You don't want to be dead weight if someone attacks your family, do you?"

"No. Just let me complain in peace."

Tonks had taken advantage of Umbridge's absence from the castle to drill the trio on speed and accuracy. By unspoken agreement, they had not tried to witness any more of the effects of their little prank. No one wanted to sacrifice their sanity. It was enough to know that they had gotten some revenge and temporarily removed some enemies from the board. Malfoy had been absent from class for two days, and Umbridge had canceled all classes and evaluations, much to the delight of students and teachers alike.

Tonks worked out a kink in her neck and strolled to the exit. "You lot head back when you're ready. I'm going to make sure the coast is clear."

She exited the room and everyone sank in relief.

"I'm going to stay here and finish my potions essay," Hermione said with less enthusiasm than usual.

Ron winced. "I really don't want to, but I haven't started it yet. Will you help me?"

She rolled her eyes and waved an arm at the bookshelves along the wall. "I'll help you find the proper books, but I'm not writing it for you."

"That'll do. Are you staying too, mate?"

"I'd rather go shower," Harry replied tiredly. "Snape's going to fail me anyway. I don't really care at the moment."

Hermione frowned at his attitude but didn't reprimand him as he too exited the room, leaving his friends to their homework.

Harry rubbed his sore wand arm as he made the trip back to Gryffindor tower. He had been taking a beating in their sessions with Tonks, but he could already feel the strength of his spells improving. He was willing to do whatever it took to get stronger, especially if it meant he would soon have the pleasure of putting his sadistic bodyguard on her arse. He was starting to dream about the experience.

He was pulled out of his revenge fantasy when a door opened right next to him and an arm shot out. A hand pulled him roughly inside before he had a chance to draw his wand. He blinked in momentary panic, registering that he appeared to be in a broom closet. There was only the dim light of his attacker's wand to illuminate the darkness.

His alarm turned into confusion as he beheld the face of Katie Bell.

"Katie?" he asked cautiously.

"Hi, Harry," she said with a bright smile. "Sorry for grabbing you like that, but I didn't know how else to get you alone. You're always surrounded by people these days."

He momentarily forgot that he saw her two or three times per week at Quidditch practice. Instead he was aware of how warm and dark it was in the closet, and how close she was standing to him. Her face was mere inches from his. "Oh. That's, er, alright. Did you want to talk about something?"

"I think we could find one or two things to talk about. I saw you sneak a little glance at me at practice, you know."

"Er, you did?"

She nodded and looked him over with an appreciative glance. "You've really filled out, Harry. Looks like quidditch has been good for you."

"Yes, I suppose it has," he replied faintly, his heart pounding.

He blinked as she leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "It's been pretty good for me too, don't you think?"

He wasn't quite able to find the proper words to respond. Katie had always been nice to him—and was quite nice to look at—but he never dreamed she would be so bold.

She pulled away to look into his eyes with a grin. "It's nice and private in here, isn't it? No one else around. No one to stop us from doing whatever we wanted."

His mouth suddenly felt very dry. Despite his kiss with Parvati, he hadn't acquired any newfound confidence with girls. He had been more concerned with the nasty looks he had been receiving from most of the school. "Yes, er, very private. Are you…saying you fancy me?"

She leaned in until her nose was almost touching his. "Oh, I don't know about fancy. But who knows what might happen? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"I suppose it does," he replied, his head swimming.

She smiled widely and patted him on the cheek. "Good! That's the spirit, Harry. Now all you have to do is find Katie Bell and ask her out, and you're golden. I'm certain she won't say no."

His brain couldn't quite make sense of that sentence. He struggled to respond until Katie's brown hair turned violet and her features shifted into those of Violet Blackwell.

"Tonks! What are you doing?!"

She burst out laughing. "Oh, Merlin. You should see your face."

His brain rebooted slowly, finally registering that the last few minutes had been a charade. "That wasn't very nice," he growled.

"Relax, Harry. I'm just teasing you. You've killed a bloody basilisk. You can handle a pretty girl who's interested in you, don't you think?"

"Just stop…embarrassing me. I've got enough on my plate without this."

She grinned. "Oh, bollocks. You're under a lot of stress and you need to have some fun. I just helped you get the awkward part out of the way. See how easy that was? Now you can go talk to her about broom polishing techniques."

"Dammit, Tonks, just leave me alone!" He fumbled with the doorknob and threw open the door, then stalked away.

Her hair briefly wilted. "Well, shit. Good job, Tonks," she said to the empty closet, then followed him down the corridor.

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Later that night, Harry pulled the coverings closed around his four-poster bed. He was relieved to have some time to himself. He could hear Ron's snores nearby, but took the precaution of a casting a silencing charm on the curtains.

He wanted to talk to his godfather about what was going on—about Tonks, about Voldemort, about their little plan for a decorative basilisk. He had forgotten the existence of the mirror, much to his embarrassment, until he contemplated ways of reaching him.

He removed the mirror from his bag and looked at it curiously. Sirius hadn't actually explained how to use it. He tried shaking it and tapping it with his wand, but it was talking to it that finally did the trick. "Er, Sirius Black?"

Sirius' face appeared in the mirror a moment later.

"Harry!" his godfather said with a huge smile. "I was wondering when I'd hear from you. I was beginning to think you had forgotten about the mirror."

"Er, no. Sorry. Things have just been busy here."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm going out of my mind with boredom over here."

"There's nothing happening there?"

"Not really. I'm still trying to kill whatever's in the third floor bathroom. I think Kreacher feeds it at night."

Harry snorted, not really wanting to know what his godfather was talking about. He couldn't imagine trying to live in a house that tried to murder its inhabitants. "What about the Order? I thought there were lots of people there."

"Nah, this old place is deserted most of the time. Moony is off on a mission, and people only filter in when they've got something to report. I'm here with my lovely mother for company."

Harry heard some resentful muttering in the background. "Bad Master should be grateful for Mistress' company. Bad Master should be ashamed of defiling his mother's house with filth and mudbloods."

"Kreacher!" Sirius yelled. "Stop eavesdropping! Go polish your ancestor's ears or something."

"Nasty Master should let Kreacher join them, he should," the elf replied before popping away.

Harry couldn't resist a smile. It was hard to tell if the elf was homicidal, suicidal, or insane. Possibly all three. "At least you've still got Kreacher. No luck on reforming him?"

"The little bastard doesn't do anything around here except plot murders he'll never carry out."

"I won't tell Hermione. She'll be so disappointed that her efforts failed."

"Her heart's in the right place, but she'd do better campaigning for dementor rights than reforming Kreacher."

Harry could feel his heart lightening at the banter. Just knowing that there was someone out there who didn't expect anything from him was a welcome relief. He felt safe around Tonks, and he already trusted her with his life, but her latest stunt had been infuriating, even if she meant no harm.

"So what's on your mind?" his godfather asked curiously. "Just wanted to say hello?"

"I wanted to talk about a few things, I guess. Have you heard anything more about Voldemort? Professor Dumbledore still isn't talking to me and he isn't telling Tonks much either."

"Not much I can repeat, but it's nothing interesting anyway."

"Why can't you talk about it?"

"It's mostly about who's doing what and where. Gotta keep things quiet for operational security."

"Is that where Hagrid is? On some kind of mission?"

"I'm not supposed to say, Harry, but your instincts are pretty good," he answered with a grin.

"So there's been no attacks or anything?"

"Nothing major yet, at least that we know of; just a few minor disappearances. It's frustrating, I know, but supposedly we can't do anything until the bastard shows himself. We should be taking out Death Eaters if you ask me, starting with Peter."

"I just wish there was something I could do. I'm going mad with everybody staring at me like I'm a lunatic. Some of them still think I killed Cedric."

"I know, Harry, but it will work out. You'll see. Just keep your head down and try not to worry too much about it. Is Tonks watching your back like she should?"

"Yeah, she's—well, she's taken to training us in this really awesome room, but she's…"

"What?"

"I dunno. She likes teasing me. She pulled me into a broom closet tonight."

Sirius laughed. "She did what?!"

"Er, she was in another girl's form. She's trying to make me chase the real one."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Well…" He didn't quite know how to explain how he felt about Tonks. He suspected his godfather wouldn't understand his irritation. He didn't fully understand it himself. He knew her teasing was affectionate, and it sometimes left him with a warm feeling in his chest, but she liked embarrassing him so much that he wanted to hex her into the ground. If Sirius discovered the full extent of her antics, he might even encourage her.

"Don't worry about it, Harry. I know Nymphadora is a handful, but she's good for a laugh. She won't steer you wrong. You're supposed to have a little fun in Hogwarts."

"I'll try. She has been useful, I admit. She's really helping against that Umbridge woman. We're trying to get rid of her, and we pulled a nasty prank on her a couple days ago."

"Oh, really? Do tell."

Harry grinned. "Tonks got her hands on some tiny fire crabs and we used Dobby to put them in her underwear. You can imagine what happened next."

"Oh, Merlin, that's cruel. I love it."

"She deserved it. You should have seen her squirm. She had to cancel classes."

"Well, cause some chaos, kid, but just don't get caught. You know the Ministry is looking for a reason to come down hard on you."

"I know. Tonks said she'll obliviate her if she has to. It's nice having an Auror around."

"I bet it is. So any other gossip from Hogwarts? I've got nothing else to think about here."

Harry contemplated telling him about his kiss with Parvati, but thought better of it. He didn't need an additional person teasing him about that. He settled on a safer topic.

"Not really. Just the usual. Quidditch has started up again, and Ron made the team. We should be decent this year."

"That's great! I wish I could come to a game, but Dumbledore would throw a fit. Is the lovely Madam Hooch still refereeing?"

"Yep, although she lets the Slytherins get away with far too much."

"That doesn't surprise me. I think she was a Slytherin herself back in the day. Did I ever tell you about the time we convinced James to call her 'Hoochie-Mama?'"

"Er, no, I don't think so."

"You should have seen it. He did it right before a match. Your dad was in detention for a month, I think. If you call her that to her face, I'll buy you a new broom."

"I think I'll pass on that. I like my Firebolt just fine."

Sirius laughed. "Coward."

Harry made to respond but was overcome by a huge yawn. His little sessions with Tonks were starting to catch up with him.

"You should go to bed. You'll be exhausted for classes tomorrow."

"I know. I have a favor to ask before I go, though. I don't know if it's possible, but we need to store the remains of a large magical creature. I was thinking maybe the attic there, if it's safe."

"There's a nasty ghoul up there we haven't gotten rid of yet, but it's a big space. What are we talking about here?"

"A basilisk."

Sirius blinked. "Wait—you're asking me if you can keep a _basilisk_ here?"

"Well, it's dead. It would just be a huge skeleton. I was hoping there's enough room there."

"Merlin, Harry, I thought Moony was pulling my leg when he told me that story. How big is it?"

"About sixty feet."

"Sixty feet!? How are you still alive?"

"A sword, a phoenix, a hat, and lots of luck," he answered with a proud smile.

Sirius snorted. "I think I've heard that joke. But, yes. If you can find a way to get it here, I'll figure something out. If nothing else we can scare the pants off Remus."

Harry yawned again. "Sounds good. I should get going then. It's getting late."

"It was good to talk to you, Harry. I'd tell you to stay out of trouble, but we both know how stupid that sounds. Play a prank in my honor, preferably on Snape. Let me know if you want to get back at Tonks. I could come up with a few ideas."

Harry smiled. The thought of payback was tempting. "I might just do that. Talk to you later, Sirius."

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Meanwhile in the girls' dorms, a violet-haired Auror was in the bathroom and staring into a mirror of her own.

"What the fuck are you doing, Tonks?" she whispered to herself.

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 **A/N** : Sorry for the long delay. Real life and all that. I've got time to write again, and I'm a couple chapters ahead, so hopefully a more regular posting schedule is on the horizon.

Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story.

The Hoochie-Mama joke was inspired by a line in a BajaB fic that I can no longer remember the name of. Feel free to point it out if you know what it is. Thanks to Download and Krieger for their feedback on the chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 8:**

Tonks dropped into the seat across from Hermione with a sigh. Hermione looked up, not having expected company for her evening session in the library.

"Where are Harry and Ron? Did something happen?" she asked.

"Nah, Ron's playing chess with some firstie and Harry's holed up in our new hideout. He's not very happy with me at the moment."

"You left him by himself?"

Tonks pulled an herbology book and some parchment from her bag, then half-heartedly reached for a quill. Homework, it seemed, was destined to follow her for the rest of her life.

"He wants some time alone. I made him promise not to leave the room until I came to fetch him. We need to keep up our appearances as muggleborn buddies anyway."

Hermione frowned as she observed her violet-haired 'classmate.' "Why is he unhappy with you? I could tell he was in one of his moods yesterday, but he wouldn't say why."

"I might have gotten a bit, er, overzealous. I was just trying to bring him out of his shell."

"Tonks, what did you do?"

"Don't call me that, and I might have…pulled him into a broom closet as Katie Bell," she said with a wince. "I was just having a laugh. I thought it would make him chase the real Katie."

Hermione dropped her quill and rubbed her temples. " _Violet_ , for Merlin's sake. Have you met Harry? How did you think he would react?"

"I just wanted him to loosen up. He's wound tighter than a spring."

"You're his bodyguard, not his therapist."

"Shhh," Tonks said, noticing a pair of Ravenclaws glaring at them from several tables away. "Keep it down. And I know, I just…"

"You just what?"

"Something is off here, Hermione. Harry's getting it from every direction, and nobody seems that bothered by it. He doesn't deserve that."

"What's that got to do with dragging him into broom closets?"

"I'm trying to help forget about all the bad stuff for a little while. You don't think he needs a bit of fun? He looks exhausted—and not from our training. He's been walking around like someone kicked his pet kneazle. I hate seeing him like that."

"Harry's not exactly the average student. Surely you've noticed, with your top notch Auror observational skills."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I realize most students don't fight Dark Lords and hunt basilisks in their spare time. But that's not what you mean, is it?"

Hermione sighed. "Harry is…different. I love him like he's my brother, but sometimes he exasperates me worse than Ron."

"Why?"

She pursed her lips, considering her words. "This is just between you and me."

"Of course."

"I don't think Harry is used to having people watch over him. He doesn't like to talk about it, but his relatives are not nice people."

"They seemed like right plonkers this summer, but I didn't see anything that—wait, are you saying they abuse him?"

"No. I doubt they, you know, hurt him. I just mean that…"

"What?"

"He's so earnest. And stubborn. He's been handed this title—'The Boy Who Lived.' Imagine discovering that when you're 11. I know he hates it. He would never admit it, but I think he feels obligated to live up to it. He just throws himself into danger. He's got a bit of a people-saving thing."

"People-saving thing?"

"Don't worry, you'll see it eventually. We're past due for some Harry heroics."

"So he's putting all the pressure on himself. Don't you see why I'm trying to help?"

"I know he appreciates you being here, Tonks. He's said as much. But pulling him into broom closets? He'd probably rather face a dementor."

Tonks sighed and smacked herself in the forehead. "Fuck. Alright, I'll talk to him about it. I just didn't expect him to be so…"

"Harry," Hermione said with a little smile.

"Yeah, that's a good word for it. I'm starting to get the picture."

"Good. You're not going to succeed in pushing him at someone. You'll just irritate him."

"Maybe you should lend him one of your novels. That would be an eye-opening experience in more ways than one."

"He'd have a stroke," Hermione said, managing to blush only a little. "I won't be responsible for the death of my best friend."

Tonks laughed. "Fine, but what about you? What am I doing to get your knickers in a twist?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, please. I've seen the way you glare at me sometimes."

"I'm not mad at you. You're just…"

There was a long silence where she struggled for the words.

"Upsetting the balance," Tonks finished for her. "You've always been the mother hen, and I'm usurping the crown."

"You're _really_ bad at metaphors."

"What can I say? It's a gift."

"I'm not a _mother hen_ , thank you very much. If you compare me to Molly Weasley, I will hex you."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Tonks said with a grin. "But you've always been the organizer, and here I am taking charge. That's the problem, isn't it?"

"No, it really isn't," Hermione responded. "I like having you here. Well—when you're not walking around the dorm room nude. Or stepping on Crookshanks. I mean that I've always been the organizer of the chaos, and you're adding to it. Sometimes."

Tonks leaned back in her seat. "Okay, I get it. Good talk. I promise to cause 10% less chaos. Maybe 15% on a good day. And let me know when you're done with your latest book. I need something to read around here besides divination textbooks."

"Only if you help me answer this question about the use of snapdragons in potions. Did you study that as an Auror?"

"I might know a thing or two."

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Tonks approached the Room of Requirement deep in thought. In retrospect, she had been treating Harry as a bit of a pet project. If she were being honest with herself, she resented being stuck in Hogwarts again. She had worked hard to accomplish her goals, and studying fifth-year divination again wasn't among them.

It stung to be dismissed as an Auror, even if it wasn't permanent. Her secret mission here was important—far more important than she had expected—but it still felt like she was being sidelined.

Having a little fun with her assignment seemed harmless enough, especially when he needed a distraction in his life. Events seemed to conspire around him, thrusting him into the middle of whatever was happening. It wasn't a burden anyone should have to carry. Still, she knew Moody would have her hide for confusing keeping her assignment alive and keeping him happy. Why _was_ she confusing them?

There was something about Harry that she couldn't quite put her finger on. Something familiar. Something that made her instinctively close the gap between professional and personal, even if it was still great fun to torture him. If her goal was to help, though, she seemed to be botching the job spectacularly.

She walked back and forth in front of Barnabas' tapestry, but no door appeared. Apparently the room sealed itself off when its occupants didn't want to be disturbed. She wrapped her invisibility cloak around herself and settled in to wait on Harry.

After twenty minutes of bored reflection, a door finally appeared. Harry opened it and looked around until she revealed herself.

"Good, you're here," he said. "Let's get out of here."

"Just a minute, Harry. Go back inside for a minute. I want to talk before we head back."

"About what?" he asked warily.

"I want to apologize, okay? Cut me some slack."

He retreated back into the room. They seated themselves at a long table and watched each other. She frowned when she took in his appearance. For the last week he had looked increasingly exhausted.

Tonks reverted to her normal form. It felt right for the circumstances.

"I'm sorry," she finally said. "About the whole broom closet business. I didn't realize you would react like that. I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable."

He sighed. "It's okay. I understand what you're doing. I wouldn't mind so much, honestly, if I didn't have a madman after my head. But I do."

"That's why I was trying to get you to relax a little."

"So you're trying to get me a girlfriend?"

She shrugged. "Doesn't have to be a girlfriend. I'm sure there's a queue of girls willing to have a fling with Harry Potter."

"Tonks, in case you haven't noticed, there's a war on."

"Yeah, I didn't miss that. But in case _you_ missed it, you're not the only one fighting it. Bloody hell, Harry, you're not responsible for the fate of the world."

He crossed his arms. "I didn't think I was. It's everybody _else_ who seems to think that, and it makes it hard to—wait, you've been talking to Hermione, haven't you?"

"Er, maybe?"

"Let me guess—I'm a hopeless case who would fail all his exams without her guidance. I like to sit and brood and think everything's my fault."

"Well, not exactly, but…"

"I'm not a little kid, Tonks. Hermione's like my big sister, and I love her for it. That doesn't mean she's right about everything."

"Okay, so educate me then. Why am I pissing you off?"

Harry studied her face, a little surprised at her seriousness. "You're not pissing me off exactly."

She raised a dubious eyebrow. "Really? So this is Harry Potter in a chipper mood I'm seeing?"

"Okay, the broom closet business pissed me off. But I do appreciate you being here, and contrary to popular belief, I know how to have fun."

"But capturing some girl's snitch doesn't make you toss your quaffle."

His brow furrowed. "Does that even make sense?"

She smiled. "Don't change the subject."

He rolled his eyes. "Are you really going to make me talk about my feelings? Look, I wouldn't mind being in a broom closet with Katie Bell. She's fun. But I have other things to worry about, and, seriously, if I chased some girl, she'd probably end up dead."

"Not if you kept it discreet."

"You think anything is discreet in Hogwarts? Merlin, everyone probably knows what kind of toothpaste I use."

"You use toothpaste?"

"Oh, shut up," he said with a little grin.

"Harry, there's like a billion rumors in Hogwarts at any given moment. It's a bloody boarding school. I've heard you're shacking up with a dozen different girls all at once. You're supposedly shagging Daphne Greengrass in secret. Do you even know who that is?"

"Er, vaguely."

"See? She's a pureblood Slytherin. If rumors like that put a girl in danger, the whole school would have to go into hiding."

He shook his head. "You don't understand. I've got a Dark Lord who wants me dead. His followers want me dead. Some of the students here probably want me dead, and others seem to think I'm crazy or worse. Every year I fight someone or something, and this year I've got a Professor who gets off on torture and an entire bloody Ministry out to get me. Do you really think there's a girl out there who can handle all that? The Weasleys and Hermione are already targets. I won't do that to someone else. You're just teasing me with something I can't have."

She sighed and watched him a little sadly. Now she realized why Harry felt so familiar. She had gone through a period of self-imposed isolation while she was at Hogwarts too. There was a time when her abilities had felt like a secret burden, and she hadn't handled it well at all. He was just as stubborn, independent, and resentful as she had been—as she still was, sometimes—but his burdens were orders of magnitude greater. It was ridiculously unfair, even if he had good friends and quidditch in his life. No wonder she wanted to nudge him in the right direction.

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I was just trying to help you let off some steam, because you look like you're driving yourself barmy."

He smiled, never having seen this side of Tonks before. "Apology accepted. Just—no more broom closets, okay?"

"No more broom closets," she agreed. "But I reserve the right to tease you until you loosen up and realize you don't have to carry the weight of the world by yourself."

"Fine. Are we done talking about my feelings yet?"

She grinned. "Almost. Tell me why you look like you're about to keel over. Am I working you too hard? Because no offense, but you look like shit."

He unconsciously rubbed his scar. "No. I'm just tired, I guess. I've just got a headache I can't get rid of. I haven't been sleeping well."

"Why not?"

He shrugged. He didn't want to tell her about his nightly dreams. They had an urgency to them that somehow felt personal. It was important to discover what they meant; it felt like the answer to all of his problems was just beyond that door.

"Well, tell me if it gets any worse. Madam Pomfrey might have something that can help. Maybe she could slip you a laxative as well—two birds with one stone."

Harry snorted. His wand fell into his hand and he hit her with a stinging spell under the table. She yelped in surprise.

"Oy, that's fighting dirty. Don't dish it out if you can't take it."

"Says the girl who hands out stinging charms like they're candy."

"Sometimes it's the only way stubborn gits can learn, especially Gryffindors."

"You know, I thought Hufflepuffs were known for their kindness, not being insufferable."

Tonks stood and cracked her neck. "Insufferable, eh? I only let my friends get away with insulting me."

"I'm flattered, but I'd much prefer to hex you."

She smiled, amused at his shift in mood. "Well, then, now that we've got all the mushy stuff out of the way, let's get a bit of dueling in. You can vent all your frustrations on me. I might even let you hit me once or twice before I knock you on your arse."

Harry stood and flexed his wand arm. "That's big talk for a girl with pink hair. Very intimidating."

"Says the The-Boy-Who-Must-Not-Snog."

"I seem to remember getting snogged just recently, as you well know."

She twirled her wand in her hand and gave him a mocking grin. "Only because I made it happen. If you're worried about putting some girl in danger, maybe we could set you up with Myrtle. A little date in the prefect's bath sound nice?"

He shot a stunner at her but she dodged it nimbly and laughed.

"I bet she's got a filthy mind, Harry, living in a castle full of horny teenagers. She could probably soothe your nerves with a bath and a blowjob every night. Might be a touch cold though."

Harry couldn't help but laugh. "What is it you like to say? 'It's on now, chaps?'"

"C'mon, Dusty, show me what you've got."

Tonks grinned as the spells started to fly.

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Things returned to normal over the next few days; or at least as normal as things could be in a school for learning magic. Tonks and Harry's new understanding had resulted in a kind of playful truce: she could say whatever she wanted to him, but would stop short of pulling him into broom closets or pointing him at other girls.

Harry found, to his surprise, that he liked it. She deliberately irritated him, but only to get a rise out of him. It took him awhile to realize it, but she wasn't treating him like a kid; she was treating him like she might treat one of her friends. That just happened to mean a healthy dose of mockery.

When they weren't at quidditch practice or in classes, their little group tended to congregate in the Room of Requirement. It not only met their training needs when it was time for Tonks to pound them into the ground, but it allowed them to study and relax in peace. There was also the added bonus of being able to spy on the whole castle. Hermione had been right: the inventors of the room were probably both geniuses and perverts.

"Merlin, I love this place," Ron said with a huge sigh. "I think I might move in here after I graduate. You reckon they'd let me take over for Madam Hooch?"

He was sprawled out in a sort of hammock the room had created for him. He was supposed to be revising for divination, but a quidditch magazine was much more tempting.

"I have no doubt Madam Hooch passed her OWLs," Hermione said from a desk at the other end of the room. "You're going to get straight D's if you don't study."

"Better than a T, innit? I wonder if anyone will care about our OWLs in twenty years."

"Ronald! You'll certainly care when you're forced to work as Filch's assistant. Mrs. Norris probably has better transfiguration scores than you!"

He shrugged. "She's probably an animagus. Maybe that's why Filch loves her so much. She turns back into some horrid old woman every night."

"Ugh! You're impossible!" Hermione said, and returned to her work.

Ron winked at Harry and returned to reading about the latest Quidditch matches.

Harry shook his head and tried to concentrate on his transfiguration homework. It might have been his imagination, but Ron seemed to be provoking Hermione more often lately, or at least taking more delight in irritating her.

Tonks watched a variety of mirrors on the wall as the trio worked behind her. She too was relaxing in a big squashy chair with a drink in her hand. Her attention swiveled between all four common rooms, Umbridge's office, and a broom closet in the dungeons that currently hosted two older Slytherins.

"This is better than watching the tube," she said. "You don't even have to change the channel."

"It's an invasion of privacy is what it is," Hermione replied, not bothering to look up. She was somehow managing to write an essay while her eyes looked back and forth between two books.

Tonks grinned. "Welcome to government work. I'm just gathering intelligence. Gotta make sure our Harry stays safe."

"And what intelligence are you gathering from those two Slytherins?"

"Well, so far it looks like she wants him to compliment her necklace, but he's too busy staring at her chest and pretending not to. Although it's pretty impressive that he can snog her and stare at her chest at the same time. Bit worried for his neck tomorrow."

"And when those robes come off?"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Professor Granger. I'll either turn it off or we'll fetch Dobby to give them a fright. Haven't decided yet."

Hermione snorted and went back to work.

The Room was proving to be an invaluable resource for more than just spying. They couldn't see into the Headmaster's office, but they could view places in the castle that would have been denied to them otherwise. Harry and Ron had not peeked into the girls' showers, of course—they valued their manhood—but now they knew what each of the common rooms looked like. They had overheard quite a few conversations about Umbridge, Malfoy, and Harry's claims about Voldemort.

Harry had never felt more plugged into the Hogwarts gossip machine. Ginny and Michael Corner were clearly dating, though Hermione wouldn't let Ron use the Room to spy on her. Hannah Abbott, it seemed, had a crush on Neville. Malcolm Baddock was considered to be the school's broomstick, and for good reason if the rumors were true. Only a handful of people were gossiping about Malfoy and Umbridge coming down with the same embarrassing affliction, which left them disappointed.

He was more than a little horrified at the rumors he had discovered about himself. The younger years were mostly afraid of him. The older years seemed to think of him as some sort of folk hero who was simultaneously mysterious, dangerous, and possibly crazy. Some had placed bets about who could 'snag' him first and how big his quidditch equipment was. Tonks had suggested he conspire with Katie Bell, so she could pretend to win the bet. They could split the money afterwards, which she considered a win-win situation. He was less enthusiastic about the idea.

After seeing all the rooms, the boys were both glad to have been sorted into Gryffindor. Not only were the colors bolder, but the atmosphere was more welcoming. Gryffindor House was the most boisterous of the four, and it was also the most direct. Grudges were settled quickly and people were allowed their personal space.

Harry didn't understand how Tonks had survived in Hufflepuff. The badger den was cozy and comfortable, but it looked like it had been decorated by someone with a bumblebee fetish. No one was ever seen alone. It was definitely not a house for introverts. Everyone was so emotionally supportive that it made him want to hex someone. That impulse made him wonder about his mental health, but he almost preferred Malfoy's open disdain to constant concern over his well-being.

Hermione, for her part, was openly envious of the Ravenclaws. Their common room was decorated in silver and blue and featured a huge statue of their founder. But it was the library that got her attention. She had assumed the 'tower' was used to house the dorms, much like Gryffindor's. Instead it housed a library that rose upward in a spiral for at least ten floors. She suspected there were books available there that were absent from the main library, and it made her feel proud that she managed to outperform a house with built-in advantages. It also made her feel less guilty about using the Room of Requirement as her secret weapon.

Harry and Tonks both found it most fascinating to watch the internal dynamic of Slytherin House. He was relieved that he hadn't allowed the Sorting Hat to send him there. Not only was their dungeon headquarters gloomy, but there was an atmosphere of quiet tension everywhere. Everyone watched everyone else and conspired to outmaneuver their peers, even if it was over a mere transfiguration essay.

"Oy, look at this," Tonks said suddenly.

All three looked up to see her staring intently at the mirror that showed Ravenclaw House. Two dozen or so students were scattered around the Common Room in various poses. Standing in the middle of them was Luna Lovegood. They hadn't seen much of her since the train ride, as she was a year below them. Harry hadn't seen her at all, now that he thought about it. Tonks' promise to subscribe to the Quibbler had slipped her mind until just now.

"Has anyone seen my parchment and quill?" Luna said politely to the whole room. "They seemed to have disappeared while I retrieved a book."

Only muffled laughter met her question. One of the seventh year prefects looked up from his books, annoyed at the interruption. "No one's seen your stuff, Lovegood. Perhaps it was a rogue niffler."

"Nargles are more likely, I think, at this time of year. I don't believe there was any gold on my parchment."

"Must have been a leprechaun then, Loony," said a younger girl.

Luna frowned. "I think we would have noticed a leprechaun among us. Surely there's a more logical explanation."

"Well, you're three sickles short of a galleon, so _logically_ you probably just misplaced them. Again," said the seventh year prefect, winking at a girl nearby.

"I don't see how galleons and sickles are related to parchment, unless you mean Fudge is conspiring with the goblins to fix prices. That seems unlikely if he's baking them into pies."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake," snapped a girl sitting near Cho Chang. "Take your insanity somewhere else, Lovegood."

"The castle is rather lovely at night, but the floors are getting a little cold. Has anyone seen my shoes?"

They watched as people snickered and Luna sauntered up to her dorm room, as if she had just exchanged pleasantries with the kindest of friends.

Harry stared at the mirror in disbelief. "Oh, fuck that." He grabbed his wand and reached toward the invisibility cloak in the nearby chair, but Tonks stopped him.

"Easy, Harry. What are you going to do? Break into Ravenclaw and start cursing everyone?"

"Sounds like a good plan at the moment."

Tonks looked at the others. Hermione mouthed 'people-saving thing' at her. She snorted.

"We'll take care of it, Harry. You can't go running off at the first sight of trouble, for Merlin's sake."

"So what's our plan then?"

Tonks frowned at the mirror. "Who are these people? Does anyone recognize them?"

Hermione pointed at one of the boys. "That's Malcolm Lipschitz. He's a seventh-year prefect. Or he will be until we talk to Professor McGonagall."

"Eh, we can't really explain how we know this stuff. We'll have to find another way."

Harry nodded. "Mr. Lipschitz might accidentally break his ankle on the trick stair tomorrow. It's been known to happen."

"He could easily land on his face too," Ron agreed. "I've heard broken noses really hurt."

"I thought she was 'Loony' to you," Hermione said.

"Come on, now—Luna's a bit off. Doesn't mean people should steal her things."

"I like her," Tonks said. "I forgot to get my subscription to The Quibbler. Let's find her tomorrow and find out what the story is. Then we'll make a plan."

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Unfortunately they didn't find the opportunity to approach Luna the next day. She was occupied just as they were during the day, and Harry and Tonks managed to earn Snape's wrath during Potions class.

They had just seated themselves when Snape swept into the room and glanced around the room, his glare finally resting on Harry and Tonks.

"Today we will be working on something new," he said. "Not a potion, precisely, but an ointment. Who can tell me the purpose of the Soothing Unguent?"

Hermione's hand shot into the air but he ignored her.

"Yes, Miss Bulstrode?"

"It's a healing balm, sir. It's used for soothing irritated skin and treating rashes."

"Precisely. Ten points to Slytherin."

His eyes roved toward Harry and Tonks again. "The ointment could also prove quite valuable should you ever encounter rare insect bites."

Harry tried to keep his face neutral while Tonks just raised a curious eyebrow.

Snape finally looked away. "Your instructions are on the board. Proceed."

Harry and Tonks spent the next hour working diligently on their unguent. Snape, it seemed, rightly suspected them to be the culprits in the prank against Umbridge and Malfoy. The only question was whether he would do anything about it.

Harry bumped Tonks in the arm as they watched their potion turn from silver to white. They had little to do now but remove it from the heat and stir while it congealed.

"What do you think he'll do to us?" he whispered.

"Not much he can do."

"I don't like the way he's looking at me."

"Think he's sweet on you? He's always staring at you when you're not looking."

"I did not need to know that."

"What do you suppose he'd do if I put a sign on Malfoy's back? Is 'I'm Hot for Fire Crotches' a bit too on-the-nose?"

Harry snickered. "Oh, Merlin, Ron would murder you."

"Potter! Blackwell! Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention with Professor Umbridge tonight. Cease your blathering!"

Snape smiled smugly as they both glared at him. Tonks had informed Dumbledore of what happened in their detentions with Umbridge, but he refused to do anything about them. She was almost certain that Snape knew what would happen to them there.

"Gloves are off, greaseball," she muttered lowly.

They kept their mouths shut for the remainder of the class. They returned to their seats after leaving their vial at Snape's desk when they heard the sound of shattering glass. They turned to see their vial broken and oozing white cream onto the floor.

Snape stared at them impassively. "Again your incompetence knows no bounds, Potter. I'm afraid you'll receive no credit for today's work. You really do need to be more careful."

His eyes slid over to Tonks. "And you, Miss Blackwell. You should perhaps seek another partner if you are unable to control Mr. Potter's clumsiness. It would be a shame if you ever found yourself in need of a soothing unguent and were unable to brew it. Who knows what you might catch from Potter?"

They stared at him for a long moment as the Slytherins snickered. The instant class ended, they stalked out of the classroom, Ron and Hermione on their heels.

"Blackwell?" Harry whispered.

"Yep?"

"I'm feeling mighty vindictive at the moment."

"Good. Because Professor Snoop needs a lesson in humility. Let's cause some mayhem."

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 **A/N:** Thanks for all the feedback in your reviews. Some of you have noticed—correctly—that Tonks is sort of dominating their exchanges at the moment. That won't always be the case. This is an adult comedy, but it's also partly a coming-of-age story for Harry, and that doesn't happen overnight.


	9. Chapter 9

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 9:**

Ron and Hermione watched as Harry and Tonks paced furiously around the Room of Requirement. They had just returned from their detention with Umbridge with bleeding hands. While the Ministry witch had been humbled by her newfound intimacy with Micronesian fire crabs, it hadn't improved her disposition when she returned to the castle. Snape's ire had proven costly. Apparently he didn't enjoy treating his favorite student for crotch lice.

"I can't believe she gave you another detention tomorrow," Ron said disgustedly.

"Detention for getting assigned a detention," Harry seethed. "Snape's going to pay. He has to know what happens in there."

"He does," Tonks agreed. "Dumbledore does too. I talked to him after dinner. He promised he'd rein Snape in, but claims there's nothing he can do about Umbridge unless it gets truly out of hand. 'We must persevere in these dark times, Nymphadora.' Wanker."

Hermione pursed her lips. She didn't like disrespect being shown toward the Headmaster, but she had to agree that he wasn't doing anything to counter the awful events taking place in his school. As far as she could tell, he never left his office except to eat. "But what can we do?" she asked.

"Veritaserum," Harry said to Tonks. "You said it was possible. Let's get something on her. I think it's time."

She sighed. "Maybe. I'll need to talk to Bones again, but the potion is tightly regulated. Dumbledore already said no."

"But why?" Hermione asked, not understanding how one of her idols could be so blasé about his school being terrorized. Not to mention the actual terrorist waiting for them in the real world. It was baffling.

"He's got moral objections to abusing his power," Tonks answered, "which apparently means he refuses to use it at all. We're not allowed to touch Snape's secret stash unless we capture a Death Eater, not that anyone is actually trying to do that."

Harry pounded his fist on a nearby table, startling everyone. "Let's just steal it then. We've done it before."

"This isn't the same as stealing ingredients, Harry," Tonks said gently, trying to assuage his anger. "He'd have his valuable stuff warded to hell and back."

"Well, we've got to do _something_!" he shouted.

They had only been in Hogwarts for a month, but it already felt like a year to him. He had his best friends and an Auror guarding him, but he also had most of the school thinking him a crazed liar, and who knew how many thinking him an actual murderer. He was being tortured in detentions, could barely sleep because of his strange dreams, and this evening his quidditch captain had gotten in on the act. She had been furious that Harry earned another detention and couldn't attend practice. Something had to give.

Everyone stared at him in silence as he almost shook with rage.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked softly.

He took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. His scar was aching and his head was pounding. He looked up to see everyone watching him with concern.

"I'm just…not sleeping well. And I've got a terrible headache."

"Why are you not sleeping well?" she pressed.

Harry winced. It was time to confess, he supposed. He could tell that the dreams, as important as they felt, might be unnatural.

"I've been having these dreams," he said. "They're always the same. Every night. I'm in a long corridor, and there's a door at the end. There's something important behind it, and I…I desperately want it. But I always wake up before I reach it."

Confused silence met his confession.

"When did they start?" Tonks asked.

"At the beginning of term, maybe a bit before. They always come with a headache."

"We need to go to Dumbledore," Hermione said. "This might be serious."

Harry snorted. "He leaves a room the moment I enter it. He hasn't talked to me since this summer."

Not for the first time he wished they could use the Room to spy on the Headmaster. It seemed to be the only place in the castle that it wouldn't allow them to see.

"I'll mention it to him," Tonks said. "I suppose he should know about it, at least."

She walked over and patted him on the cheek. "Not to worry, Harry. They may not mean anything at all. Could just be your hormones."

"What?" he asked.

She grinned at him and winked at Hermione. "You're dreaming every night about a long, narrow passage with an opening that you desperately need to get inside?"

"Er, yeah."

"Probably just means you want to toss your quaffle through some girl's hoop. Does your little wizard make a mess of himself when you wake up?"

Harry stared at her in horror and Hermione huffed angrily. "For Merlin's sake, can you be serious for one second? Your mind is—"

"Like what? A filthy romance novel?"

Hermione blushed and shut her mouth.

Tonks laughed. "Just trying to lighten the mood, sweetheart."

She received a glare in response.

Tonks punched a now blushing Harry in the arm. "I'm just teasing, Harry. We'll figure out the dreams, but you should tell Madam Pomfrey about the headaches. 'Course, she might just tell you to wank more often."

He was too tired to be upset at Tonks' playfulness. He knew she was just trying to calm him down.

"Now that we're done talking about Harry's _little wizard_ ," Hermione growled, "what do we do about Umbridge? Why don't we just break her quills and obliviate her? You can do that, can't you?"

"Yes, but it's a risk. We take the same risk if we dose her with truth serum. I'm not very good with layered memory charms, and if the person knows they've been charmed, things can get dicey. If she's got a strong enough mind, it might not fully take. We need to know it's going to be worth it before we do something extreme and then obliviate her."

"Well, she's trying to take down Harry and Dumbledore. Isn't that worth it?" Ron asked.

Tonks sighed. "Yes, but what are we going to find if we dose her, assuming I can even get some veritaserum? We're assuming she's done some shady shite that we can pin on her, and then have her arrested. My gut tells me she's got some real skeletons in her closet. But what if I'm wrong and she's just a sadistic bitch? Things could go balls-up in all sorts of ways. I'm willing to do it. I'm just saying…it's a risk."

"So what are we going to do then?" Ron asked. He didn't like feeling so helpless while his friends were suffering, but he didn't make the plans. He followed them.

"We wait," Harry said, looking at the back of his hand. "We spy on her in that mirror, we figure out how to get our hands on some truth serum, and then we come up with a plan to destroy her. Until then, we make her and Snape as miserable as they're trying to make us. Anyone have ideas?"

"We do have a metamorph on our side," Ron put in.

"I can't really get Snape kicked out of here," Tonks said. "He's technically on our side and the Headmaster would just protect him. He knows it too."

"Humiliation then," Hermione said suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"We want both Snape and Umbridge off our backs. So let's set up something so mortifying that they don't even have time to harass us—something the whole school would witness."

"But what?" Harry insisted.

Hermione grinned. "A romance."

Ron shuddered. "Between Snape and Umbridge? That's the stuff of nightmares."

She stood up and started pacing eagerly. "It wouldn't be real, of course, but if we played our cards right, we could truly embarrass the both of them. The rest of the school would stop gossiping about Harry, and if it went public, it might undermine Umbridge's authority."

"Still waiting on details here, Hermione," Tonks said.

"Well, you can turn into Snape, right?"

Tonks nodded warily.

"Okay, so here's an idea…"

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It wasn't until two nights later that they managed to track down Luna Lovegood. Harry hadn't forgotten her treatment at the hand of her fellow Ravenclaws, but Umbridge's determination to fill his evenings with misery made it difficult to find time.

Ron and Hermione remained in the library, studying and contemplating ways to bring their plan to fruition, while Harry and Tonks stalked the corridors of Hogwarts, seeking out Luna.

"She should be just around the next bend," Tonks said, glancing at the map.

They turned a corner and discovered Luna in the middle of the hallway, staring at a painting on the wall. She was barefoot and wearing a threadbare robe more appropriate for a first year. Her wand was tucked behind her ear and she was wearing actual radishes for earrings. She turned when she saw Harry and Tonks.

"Oh, hello Harry. Violet. How are you?"

"Er, doing fine, Luna," Harry replied. "We haven't seen you since the Express. Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm quite well, thank you."

Tonks frowned as she took in the girl's appearance. "What are you doing out here by yourself?"

"Oh, just exploring the castle. Some of the portraits are fascinating, you know." She pointed at the one she had been staring at. "This poor fellow seems to be in over his head. Do you suppose those are sirens or nymphs? I think nymphs are supposed to have bigger boobs."

Harry blinked and looked at the painting. It depicted a young, shipwrecked sailor who was being set upon by a horde of wild-looking naked women. They were tearing at his clothes, and the man couldn't seem to decide whether to fight them or help them in their efforts.

He couldn't resist the opening. "I dunno. What do you think, Violet? Is that typical behavior for a nymph?"

He winced as the stinging spell connected with his arse. He really was going to have to find a way to get some leverage on Tonks.

"The bloke looks pretty lucky to me, whatever they are," she said, side-eyeing Harry.

He looked at the painting again, only to find the horde of naked women staring at him now. They had tossed aside their sailor and were thrusting out their chests and striking seductive poses. A few were giggling and blowing kisses at him.

"They do seem to quite like you, Harry," Luna said. "It's a pity they can't talk. I wonder what they would say."

Tonks snorted. "Probably want to see his magic wand. Not that anyone's ever—"

She stumbled, and her knees connected with the hard stone floor. She looked up to see Harry's wand disappear into his robes.

"I've never seen anyone trip over thin air before, Violet," he said innocently. "You're quite talented."

She glared at him as she stood and brushed herself off. Luna observed the byplay between the two curiously.

"You do seem to be fitting in well at Hogwarts, Violet," she observed.

"The place is growing on me," she answered politely, "although Potter here is a bit of a specky git. Not much to be done about that."

"Well, he's still alive, so I suppose you're doing a good job."

Tonks frowned. Luna had a way of derailing every conversation they had with her, and this was the second time she had made an eerily accurate comment about Tonks' role.

"A good job of what?" she asked cautiously.

"Protecting him, of course. Isn't that why you're here?"

She tried to act confused. "I'm just a new student. Why would you think that?"

Luna gave her a befuddled look. "It's rather obvious, isn't it? You seem to have acquired a few wrackspurts since we last spoke, Violet."

"And…do other people think that's why I'm here?" she asked. She hadn't heard a single suspicion from the people she spied on, at least not about her role as a bodyguard.

"Well, I can't speak for everyone," Luna said dreamily, "nor would I want to. That would be exhausting. But mostly they seem to think you're just weird."

Harry couldn't resist a little smile at Luna calling someone weird. He decided to get the conversation back on track. "Luna, why are you out here with no shoes?"

She looked down at her bare feet and wriggled her toes. "Oh, I'm quite comfortable. Did you know you can cast cushioning charms on feet? If you add a warming charm, the stones aren't even cold."

"But where are your shoes?"

"It's hard to say. It's possible that nargles took them. Or they might like to go for a walk by themselves, I suppose. It must get lonely, being a pair of shoes."

Harry and Tonks glanced at each other.

"Er, Luna, you don't think it's possible that people are taking your shoes?" he ventured.

"I suppose it's possible, but I don't see the point. They aren't likely to fit anyone but me."

Tonks stared at the puzzle that was Luna Lovegood. She was a strange combination of innocence and wisdom, and seemed to have no concern whatsoever for social conventions. "You don't think someone would do it just to be mean?"

"That seems rather a waste of time to me. It's much easier to be nice."

"Are you missing a lot of your stuff?" she asked.

The blonde girl looked between them and nodded. "The nargles do seem to be particularly active this year."

Harry took a deep breath, trying to control his outrage. "We're going to help you get back your things. And we're going to make sure the people who are being mean to you will regret it."

Luna's gaze grew a little more focused than usual. "Everything finds its way home eventually."

"That's not good enough, Luna," he said heatedly, then composed himself. "Sorry, but we're doing this for you. We know Malcolm Lipschitz is harassing you. Do you know who else is doing it? Or who's taking your things?"

"Oh, I certainly wouldn't want to get anyone in trouble," she said. "I'm sure no one intends to be…mean."

"Right," said Harry. He was getting fed up with Luna's unwillingness to get angry on her own behalf. He was trying to think of a way to coax answers out of her when he realized there might be a much simpler solution to their problems.

"Dobby," he said firmly.

The little elf popped into the corridor, bouncing on his toes. "Oh, Harry Potter, Sir! What can Dobby be doing for you tonight?"

He gestured at Luna. "Dobby, this is Luna Lovegood. She's a friend of ours. People have been stealing her things and hiding them. Do you think you could track them down, and tell us who did it?"

Luna cocked her head at his use of the word 'friend' and stared at Dobby with interest.

Dobby cocked his head and returned her stare. "Dobby might be able to, if he can touch Miss Loony's magic."

Harry and Tonks exchanged glances again. "Er, what does that mean?"

Luna held out her hand, and Dobby grasped it and closed his eyes. Apparently it meant touching her.

"Dobby thinks he can help, Harry Potter sir, but it might take some time."

Harry nodded gratefully. "That's great, Dobby. Thank you. You probably want to check Ravenclaw tower, starting with Malcolm Lipschitz."

"Dobby will watch Mister Lipshit and find Miss Loony's things," he said eagerly and then popped away.

Luna watched the pair of them, confusion etched on her face. "You needn't go to such trouble over me, you know. I'll be fine."

"We want you to be better than fine," Harry said with conviction, earning a glance from Tonks. "You come to us if someone bothers you in the future, okay? You promise?"

She slowly nodded. "I promise."

They exchanged goodbyes with her and made their way to Gryffindor tower. Luna wanted to linger in the corridor and speak to all the paintings. Harry supposed they were nicer to her than her actual housemates.

Tonks glanced at him appraisingly as they walked. "You probably just made that girl's year, you know."

"What?"

"You called her a friend, and you were very encouraging."

"I thought you wanted to help her too."

"I do. I like her. I just didn't expect you to be so…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. We need to do something nice for Dobby though."

"We really do," he agreed.

"Do you suppose house elves have brothels? We could take him to one."

"For Merlin's sake, Tonks."

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Harry thought about their encounter with Luna the next day. He couldn't decide why Tonks had reacted so oddly to his treatment of her. Surely she didn't expect him to just let people walk all over the girl.

Perhaps she had been concerned about Luna's seeming knowledge of her role. Luna certainly had an unnerving ability to see past charades to the truth, but he didn't think she posed a danger. Anyone who heard her declare Violet Blackwell to be an Auror would only think it was one of her father's bizarre theories.

He decided to think about it later. At the moment he had something more important to occupy him. Harry had experienced a revelation after their encounter with Luna.

In the War of Embarrassment that Tonks had been waging against him (and winning handily), he finally realized that she didn't hold all the cards. He had an advantage she didn't have.

He had laughed to himself when he realized it. She might be able to embarrass him as much as she wanted, given her assignment. But she couldn't do it with impunity, because he had a loyal house elf at his beck and call, only too eager to defend his Harry Potter Sir. He felt a bit thick for not realizing it earlier.

It was the work of a moment to conspire with Dobby to make Tonks' lunch more interesting.

The trio and Violet walked into the Great Hall together after Herbology and sat down together. Harry sat facing Tonks, unable to conceal the little smile that kept threatening to appear on his face.

She noticed. "What's got you grinning like a loon today?"

"Oh, nothing," he said, filling his plate with a roasted chicken breast, mashed potatoes, green beans, and covering everything with a sesame sauce.

She ignored his odd mood and began filling her own plate. Or rather she attempted to do so.

When Tonks reached for the large fork on the platter of chicken, it disappeared, only to reappear on the opposite side, out of her reach. She stood up and reached for it, and the same thing happened.

"What the hell?" she muttered, and looked around. Ron and Hermione watched in confusion, while Harry pretended not to notice.

She reached for the spoon in the bowl of mashed potatoes, and it too disappeared. She narrowed her eyes and reached for her own smaller spoon, only to find it disappear the moment she tried to touch it. The same thing happened when she reached for her knife and fork. They reappeared a moment later, but she wasn't able to touch them.

She crossed her arms and glared at Harry. "Now I see why you're so smug. Manage to charm the silverware, did you?"

"I have no idea what you mean," he said innocently.

Ron and Hermione watched the exchange. They were having no trouble with their own utensils, and had no experience with Harry pranking someone.

Harry used his fork to take a huge bite of mashed potatoes, taking special care to savor the gravy. "Delicious," he said, smacking his lips.

Tonks raised an amused eyebrow and drew her wand. "Finite incantatem," she stated firmly at her silverware.

She reached for her fork and it disappeared again. So did her spoon and knife. She tried to summon them, but they disappeared the moment they touched her palm.

"How are you doing this?" she asked, her frustration growing.

"You know what I realized last night, Violet?" he said calmly, unable to resist a shit-eating grin.

"What?"

He leaned forward, ensuring that he had her full attention. "I have a _very_ loyal house elf, and you…don't."

He smirked as her face turned unnaturally pale for a moment. He was impressed that her hair didn't change color. He had to give her points for that.

"You wouldn't dare," she said, her eyes narrowing.

He picked up a peach from a nearby tray and bit into it with zest. "You sure about that?"

She made a grab for the fork lying next to Hermione, only for it to disappear the moment before she touched it. Ron saw what was happening and circled his arms around his own dinnerware, watching Tonks warily.

She folded her arms and stared at Harry, a grin slowly spreading on her face. "You really want to play this game, Harry Potter?"

He held her gaze, though he was growing unnerved by her expression. "What game is that, Miss Blackwell?"

"Okay, then," she said cheerfully, and grabbed a chicken breast from the platter with her bare hands. Then she thrust her hand into the green beans and withdrew a handful, dropping them on her plate. Students nearby began to take notice. There were some shocked gasps when she stuck her hand deep into the mashed potatoes and scooped out a helping, then dumped it on her plate.

Her eyes never left Harry's as she picked up the chicken and tore a piece of it off with her teeth. "Delicious," she said with relish, and Harry swallowed uneasily. He looked around and noticed every nearby diner watching Violet Blackwell with disgust. It only grew when she scooped a dollop of mashed potatoes into her palm and shoved it in her mouth.

All the while she looked at Harry and smiled.

By the end of the meal, everyone was staring at her in disbelief and whispering about how Harry attracted all the crazy people. Tonks calmly used her napkin to wipe the chicken grease from her face and her messy, food-coated palm.

She stood and lifted her chin. "That was a truly delicious meal. Best I've ever had, really. Shall we go prepare for Charms?"

Then she walked away calmly. Harry blinked and grabbed his bag, following her with an ominous tightening in his gut. Ron and Hermione kept their distance behind him, not wanting to fall victim to friendly fire in whatever battle might occur.

She stopped walking once they were out of earshot of the Great Hall. Harry walked up next to her and she grinned and poked him in the chest.

"Quite inventive, Harry. Some might call it cheating, but I'm impressed. You forgot one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"I'm not just your sadistic bodyguard. I'm a metamorph."

"Er, that's rather hard to forget, Violet."

"Oh, really? Did you remember what I can do with your body?" she asked, her smile all teeth. "How embarrassing would it be if Neville Longbottom woke up in the middle of the night to find you wanking next to his bed?"

Harry stared at her in horror. "You wouldn't dare!"

She winked. "You sure about that?"

He took a deep breath, realizing he might still be in over his head here. "I don't want war," he said hurriedly. "I want peace."

She examined her hands, which were still in need of a good washing. "Funny way of showing it."

"I'm just showing you that you can't do whatever you want without consequences. I don't want war."

"We'll see, Harry. We'll see."

He followed her as she walked away, increasingly unnerved by the glint in her eye and her willingness to stuff her face with her hands. "Seriously, T—er, Violet! I'm just teasing. It was just a prank. One prank! You've got to let me have just one! You can't win every time!"

She just smiled and walked toward the dorms to clean up.

"Bugger," he muttered, watching her go.

Ron and Hermione walked up and flanked him. "That might have been a mistake, mate," Ron said unhelpfully.

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Tonks looked at her watch. "It's almost time," she said. "Is everything set up?"

Hermione gestured at the wall. "All of the mirrors are ready, Dobby is in place, and her next class should be arriving in fifteen minutes. You're up."

Tonks rubbed her hands together in glee. She grabbed her invisibility cloak and strode toward the door of the Room of Requirement. "Make sure you watch every second," she said. "When I can afford a pensieve one day, I'll watch this memory on repeat."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched as she morphed into Snape, wrapped the cloak around herself, and exited the room. It was time to put Hermione's plan into play.

All four of them had worked tirelessly on the details for the past two days. Harry was still rather uneasy about his little prank involving Tonks' silverware. She hadn't taken revenge of any kind, and that worried him. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time; a little victory for the good guys. Now he wasn't so sure. Every time she looked at him with her maniacal little grin, he shivered.

But all personal vendettas had been pushed aside to concentrate on the humiliation of Snape and Umbridge. Hermione came up with the original idea (inspired by her romance novels, though she would never admit it), and it had been refined by the group until it was nearly failsafe. Today was just step one in the humiliation of Hogwarts' most hated Professors. Step two wouldn't happen for a few days, but they were willing to wait. The payoff, if it happened as they hoped, would be worth it.

"You're sure this is going to work?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Of course it will. It was my idea."

He rolled his eyes. "Check out the ego on this one. Drunk on power and she hasn't even sat OWLs yet."

"Oh, shush. You agreed it was a good plan. At the very least, it will teach Snape that it's a mistake to keep harassing us."

"Or he might decide to murder us in our sleep," Ron muttered.

He was the least convinced of the plan, or at least of its likely consequences. Harry was so filled with vicious glee at the idea that he almost didn't care what happened afterwards.

The trio watched the three mirrors on the wall with barely-controlled excitement. One reflected Umbridge's office and personal quarters. The other revealed the Defense corridor, giving them a view of the door to Umbridge's office and the classroom that was directly across from it. The final one showed the Defense classroom itself.

In less than fifteen minutes, Umbridge would be 'teaching' the fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. Dobby had locked the classroom door with house-elf magic, ensuring that all the students would be loitering in the corridor. The little elf was now waiting in Umbridge's quarters, ready for his next part in the plan. They couldn't see Tonks, but they knew she was striding quickly toward Umbridge's office.

They watched as the Puffs and Claws gathered in the corridor. A few tried and failed to open the classroom door, then everyone settled in to wait on Umbridge.

Harry looked at his watch, his heart racing. "Any minute now."

Their eyes swiveled to Umbridge's office. She was still at her desk, looking at a stack of essays she was preparing to return. She stood and stuffed them in her satchel when a loud crash echoed from her quarters. She drew her wand and cautiously approached the door.

"Who's there?" she asked.

She stuck her head inside and saw no one, so she entered. On the floor was a shattered ceramic plate, one that formerly contained a prancing kitten. The kitten was now confined to a small, broken shard and hissing angrily.

"Oh, my poor baby," Umbridge cooed, stooping to pick up the plate. "Did you fall off the wall? I thought you were secure. Mummy is sooo sorry, kitten."

The trio shivered at her words, but smiled as the door behind her silently swung close and clicked. Umbridge didn't notice, as her attention was on trying to repair the broken plate.

"He did it," Hermione whispered. "God, I love Dobby."

"Shhh," Ron hissed. "There's Tonks!"

The door to Umbridge's office opened slightly and then closed. Tonks, in the body of Snape, whipped off her invisibility cloak and waved to the empty office. "Hi, kids!" she said in Snape's deep voice. "Hope you're ready!" It was a tone Harry hoped never to hear from the actual Snape.

He couldn't resist laughing as Tonks lifted both hands to Snape's greasy hair and mussed it up to the best of her ability. It looked as if he had just woken, or as if someone had been running their fingers through it amorously. Then she took out a small compact and some very red lipstick and smeared it across her lips. She used her fingers to wipe it along the edges of her lips and chin. They could see her smirking all the while.

"Dear God, that's disgusting," Hermione said.

Finally finished with her preparations, Tonks used her wand to lift the powerful notice-me-not charm she had placed on the door. None of the gathered students had seen her sneak in. She took a moment to compose herself. She lifted her chin, adopted Snape's customary sneer, and opened the door.

The trio's eyes swiveled to the Defense corridor. Snape strode out of Umbridge's office directly into the midst of the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. He adopted a surprised expression for a moment, but quickly composed himself. The closest students gaped at his appearance. It wasn't uncommon to see one Professor in another's quarters, but it was something else to see Professor Snape leaving Umbridge's office looking like he had just been shagged silly.

He stared at the assembled students for a long moment, making sure he made eye contact with everyone there. They stared at him in stunned silence.

"What are you dunderheads staring at?" he sneered, only making the smeared lipstick more prominent.

"N-nothing, sir," Hannah Abbott whimpered.

Padma Patil stared at his disheveled hair as if it might come alive and bite her at any moment.

"If you are seeking Madam Umbridge, she is currently…indisposed. Out of my way before I assign detentions."

The students scurried out of Snape's way, then watched as he strode imperiously down the corridor, his cloak billowing behind him.

"Did that really just happen?" someone asked.

In the Room of Requirement, Ron was howling with laughter. "Oh—oh, Merlin, I can't breathe."

Hermione's face was bright red as she held her sides. "Did you s-see Padma's face? When she tells Parvati, this will blow up."

Harry smiled and cracked his knuckles. "Phase One is complete. We'll let this little potion simmer for a few days and then toss a gurdyroot into it."

A few moments later, the door to the room burst open, admitting a wild-eyed Tonks. She was breathing hard, having sprinted up three flights of stairs. "Did you see it? Did it work? Is she—mmph?"

Harry interrupted her panting by pulling her into a bear hug and squeezing her. "That was beautiful, Tonks. Beautiful."

Her hair turned red briefly as Harry released her, and she smiled at the trio. "So, er, it was a success?"

Hermione gestured at the mirrors. "You and Dobby were perfect. Look."

They turned as one to see Umbridge casting spell after spell at the locked door that led to her office. The repaired plate was lying on her bed, but she couldn't fathom why the door had shut and locked behind her.

"What in Merlin's name?" she said aloud.

"Homenum revelio!" she yelled, but the results showed her to be alone.

She cast another unlocking spell at the door, and it finally clicked. She pushed it open and examined her office suspiciously, but saw nothing out of place. "Well. Must be a faulty charm on the door," she muttered.

She grabbed her bag and strode out of her office, shocked to discover the corridor filled with her students.

"What in—why are you all standing out here?"

No one dared to speak. They all stared at her in barely concealed horror.

"Well? What's the matter? You look like you've seen a boggart!"

One student worked up the courage to speak. "Er, it was locked, Professor."

She huffed and pushed through them, only to find that the door opened easily when she turned the handle.

"Locked, indeed. In you go. Sometimes I wonder what your Professors have been teaching you here!"

Tonks looked at the trio and burst out laughing, lipstick still smeared across her face.

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 **A/N** : There you go. It may not seem like much yet, but they're only just getting started on Umbridge and Snape. Thanks for your reviews.


	10. Chapter 10

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 10:**

Snape's alleged liaison with Umbridge was the talk of the school the next day. At first, only the most gullible students believed the rumor. Those particular Professors engaging in carnal relations was simply too absurd to contemplate. But when an entire class of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs swore they had seen the lipstick smears with their own eyes, the Hogwarts gossip machine exploded with speculation.

Harry and company listened to the whispers with undisguised joy. Their prank didn't really count as humiliation, of course, because neither Snape nor Umbridge were aware of their torrid affair. But they were willing to be patient. After letting the gossip simmer for a few days, the next part of their plan would begin. Hogwarts' two most-hated Professors would soon become very aware of why the students were staring at them with such disturbed fascination.

In the meantime, they focused on their plan to humiliate the Ravenclaws who were bullying Luna. Dobby was slowly but surely making his way through the dorms and empty rooms of the castle, searching for Luna's things and taking note of who possessed them. No one had realized that house elves could work as magical bloodhounds. Tonks made a mental note to talk to her boss about it.

They had discussed various scenarios of revenge for hours. Those put forward by Harry and Ron were invariably too violent, and those put forward by Hermione were invariably too tame. Tonks decided to table the discussion and consult the twins. She had paid them to come up with ideas to cause chaos, after all. It was time to see if they had made any progress.

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She slid into a chair at the table the Weasley twins were occupying. This part of the library was deserted, but that was to be expected when one was camped out in the Animal Husbandry section.

"Greetings, ginger menaces. Fancy finding you two in the library. You're going to ruin your reputation."

"Miss Blackwell! How lovely to see you," said Fred.

"And we are quite the budding young intellectuals," added George. "We could give our dear Hermione a run for her galleons if the curriculum here weren't so dull."

"I don't doubt it. Time for a status report, boys. What have you been working on?"

"All sorts of interesting things," Fred replied with enthusiasm. "At the moment we're planning a portable swamp. The charms work will be tricky, but we think we can slip in an alligator or two."

"An alligator."

"We've succeeded with toads, but that isn't very exciting, is it? Piranhas are also a possibility."

"Right. What else?"

"We're almost done with a powder that creates instant darkness. A few bumps in the road, but we're making progress. Imagine what mischief we could make under cover of darkness."

"I'm not sure I want to, but that sounds dead useful."

"We're also contemplating a lovely daydream charm," George put in. "Perfect for the young witch or wizard attempting to survive an afternoon in History of Magic. We expect it to be a best seller after we find premises."

"Hmm. Sounds fascinating, but I was hoping for something a little more explosive."

"Well why didn't you say so, my dear? We're quite fond of making things go boom. We intend to have our very own line of fireworks."

"You know, if you two ever decide to put your skills to serious use, I'll put in a word with the Unspeakables."

"You mean…a respectable job? We would die of shame."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Never mind. I don't want something that literally goes boom. Well, not yet. We want to cause some humiliation. A friend of ours in Ravenclaw is getting bullied, and we intend to stop it."

"Humiliation, you say?" Fred mused. "I think we might have just the thing. George stumbled on it by accident."

"No, you did. You're the one who was in the toilet all day."

"Nonsense. That was you. I would distinctly remember something so awful happening to me."

"Boys," she said. "Focus. What are we talking about here?"

"Well, we were working on a sweet that causes flatulence, for, well, obvious reasons. Gave it up as a bad job, though, because it causes diarrhea. Lots of it. For hours. I'd even call it explosive, but not the fun kind."

Tonks laughed. "That sounds perfect. I want some."

She pushed forward ten galleons and the twins accepted it with a smile. "Always a pleasure doing business with the Auror department."

"Technically this is Sirius Black's money, but let's not worry about the source. Just don't stop doing…whatever it is you do," she said. "I have a feeling your kind of insanity will prove useful."

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The next two days proved very unfortunate for certain members of Ravenclaw House. Malcolm Lipschitz woke to discover all of his underwear missing. He managed to transfigure some for the day, but his less-skilled compatriots weren't so lucky. They didn't mention it to each other out of sheer embarrassment.

Their underwear would have proven useful at lunch.

Tonks and the trio didn't even need to use the Room of Requirement, which she was now referring to as HQ, to see the fruit of their labors. Or rather Dobby's labors. They simply sat back and watched the Ravenclaw table at breakfast.

A prefect sitting next to Lipschitz suddenly doubled over and released a loud, wet fart. His neighbors regarded him with disgust, but soon there were too many people making too many obscene noises to single anyone out. Lipschitz followed his friend's example and grabbed his stomach, his face going nearly white. He stood on wobbly legs and stumbled out of the Great Hall.

Thirteen other students soon followed, leaving a trail of disgusted whispers in their wake. Judging from the smell, it was far too late for them to reach a bathroom. The unfortunate students would spend the next few hours huddled over various toilets, too busy flushing their systems of everything they had ever eaten to contemplate a visit to the hospital wing.

Their woes didn't end when they returned to the dorms. Shoes, socks, and nightclothes had also gone missing from their trunks. The poor souls who could not borrow anything from their friends had to sleep in the nude. Others lost copious points the next day for attending classes without footwear.

When the next day's lunch proved to be a repeat of the previous day, the fourteen humiliated Ravenclaws retreated to the hospital wing to recover—shoeless, sockless, and very dehydrated.

"Let's hope they learned their lesson," Harry said to Tonks as they approached Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. They had checked the map, and for some reason Luna was holed up in there.

"If they're too stupid to understand the notes, they don't deserve to be in Ravenclaw," she agreed.

Dobby had laid out notes explaining the reason for the offenders' distress on their pillows. They were signed by 'friends of Luna,' and threatened even worse retaliation should she ever be bullied again.

They checked the corridor for other students, and then cracked the door to Myrtle's bathroom. Tonks poked her head in to make sure Luna wasn't indisposed.

"I don't even know what a humdinger is!" Myrtle wailed from within. "I know you're making fun of me! And it's called 'blubbering,' not 'blibbering!'"

Her blubbering was accompanied by the sound of splashing water as she disappeared into a toilet.

Harry and Tonks entered the room. Luna was examining the toilet that Myrtle had disappeared into with fascination. She looked up at their entrance, but did not appear ruffled at the presence of a boy in the girls' bathroom.

"Do you suppose she goes through the plumbing?" Luna asked them curiously. "I thought ghosts could travel through walls."

"Er, no idea, Luna," Harry responded. "What are you doing in here?"

"Oh, I'm working on a personal project. I've been interrogating the castle's ghosts about all the fantastic creatures they must have seen in their lives. So far they've been most uncooperative. The Bloody Baron threatened to put me in the iron maiden, but I'm not sure what that means."

"Might be a good idea to stay away from him," Tonks said. "He's covered in blood for a reason."

"Probably wise advice," Luna agreed. "Is there something I can help you with, or did you need to pee?"

"Er, no, we're good," Harry said. "We just wanted to let you know that the people who have been tormenting you should stop now. They've been warned."

"Oh, how lovely. Is that why my things have been appearing on my bed?"

"Yes, our friend Dobby has been hunting them down. Did you get everything back?"

"I think so," she said serenely. "I'm missing a picture of my favorite carnivorous starfish, but I might have left it at home. I can't remember."

"I'd love to see it sometime," said Tonks with an amused smile. "Be sure to let us know if anything happens again. You can be expecting public apologies from the culprits in the next few days."

"You didn't have to go to such trouble, you know."

"It's no trouble at all, Luna," Harry said earnestly. "You shouldn't have to deal with that."

"Well, thank you all the same. It will be nice being able to match my knickers with my socks again."

Tonks laughed and examined her feet. "There's an idea. Can you guess what color my socks are, Harry?"

"If they match your knickers, I'm going to guess you aren't wearing any."

Luna laughed uproariously, as if it were the funniest thing she had ever heard, and Tonks raised an eyebrow at him. "Been thinking about my knickers, have you?"

She patted his cheek when he blushed. "Might as well give up, Harry. You'll never win."

He just grumbled, knowing that she hadn't yet paid him back for his little silverware prank. He was starting to worry that her retaliation would involve public nudity.

Tonks returned her attention to Luna. "Before I forget, here's the money for our Quibbler subscription. This ought to cover me and Harry both."

She passed several galleons to Luna, who accepted them happily. "Thank you! Daddy will be so pleased. I wrote one of the articles for next week's issue, you know."

"What's it about?" Harry asked.

"It's quite a fascinating story. We've discovered evidence of a new conspiracy at the Ministry. They're trying to breed nifflers with grindylows, to hunt for sunken treasure underwater."

"How does that even work?" Tonks wondered.

Luna shrugged. "I don't know, but it sounds quite painful for the nifflers, doesn't it?"

"Right," Harry said, not wanting to think too much on the dynamics of interspecies copulation. "We're glad you're doing well, Luna. Let us know if you need anything else."

Luna stepped forward and embraced him in an unexpected hug, almost knocking him off balance. She repeated the gesture with Tonks and smiled at her.

"I'll bring your complementary spectrespecs next week. We have them in fuscia now. Have fun protecting Harry."

Tonks just shook her head as they watched her prance out of the bathroom wearing sparkling red house slippers.

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Harry was in a fantastic mood the next afternoon. For once, things were looking up.

The Ravenclaws had been humbled, quidditch was going well, and their plan to humiliate Snape and Umbridge was proceeding apace. Now that the appropriate rumors had been started, tomorrow would see the implementation of phase two. He could hardly contain his anticipation.

Even his dreams had been better recently. The hallway felt fuzzier, and his need to open the door at the end less urgent. Tonks' crack about his hormones seemed to have nudged his subconscious in a more pleasant direction. Last night he had dreamed about being trapped in a broom closet with Katie Bell. She had kissed him passionately and nearly ripped his clothes off. But just as she unzipped his trousers, he had found himself staring into Violet Blackwell's smirking face.

He had woken with a start, breathing heavily. That was a dream he intended to keep secret for the rest of his life, lest she actually kill him with her teasing. Regardless, it had chased away his headache like a patronus, so he decided to count it as a good thing.

The only truly bad news had come from Tonks' latest conversation with Madam Bones. She had again refused her request for veritaserum. It was too great a risk, she claimed. Tonks' only priority in Hogwarts was protecting Harry from Voldemort. Vindictive Defense professors didn't count, even if they were injuring students in detention. Harry vowed to himself that they would find a way to steal some. Somehow he knew Umbridge was the key to solving most of their problems.

Today they were in 'HQ' again, practicing power and accuracy with their spells.

"Bludgeoners on three," Tonks yelled. "One. Two. Three!"

Tonks and Hermione raised shields as Harry and Ron sent their best bludgeoning spells at them. Hermione's shield absorbed Ron's spell with ease, but Tonks' shield rang like a gong as Harry's bludgeoner pushed her back on her heels.

"Bloody hell, Harry," she said, shaking out her wand arm. "What's got into you today?"

"Dunno," he said with a grin. "A good night's sleep and a prank on Snape, I guess. I can't wait till tomorrow."

"Well, don't try to hit me with that thing unless I'm ready for it. Let's see what it does to a dummy."

Tonks waved at a nearby target dummy, and Harry concentrated on trying to knock it to the ground. His spell slammed into its midsection with a loud thump, leaving a serious dent.

She whistled. "You're getting better. We're going to have to learn some basic first aid spells before someone gets hurt in here."

"I don't want to be a healer," Ron grumbled. "I just want to be able to fight."

He was a little annoyed at the power of Harry's recent spellcasting. He was improving too, but not at the rate that Harry was. Hermione lagged behind the both of them. Though she learned spells more easily than they did, she couldn't quite match them in raw power. It was a very frustrating experience for her.

"So you'd rather bleed out during a fight instead of knowing how to reattach a severed limb?" Tonks retorted.

"Severed limb?"

"It happens."

She raised her wand and hit the dummy with a vicious cutting curse. It impacted directly on its groin, leaving a nasty gash that would have been spouting blood had it been real.

"Don't want to accidentally lose your todger in a fight, do you?"

Hermione huffed at her vulgarity, but Ron got the point.

"Let's do that later," Harry insisted. "I'm feeling good and I want to knock you on your arse."

"Somebody's getting a little big for their britches. One powerful spell and he thinks he's a tough guy."

"I'll show you a tough guy. Let's do this."

"Clear the way, kids," she said, motioning to Ron and Hermione. "The boy hero apparently likes being humiliated."

As soon as the center of the room cleared, he started casting, not bothering to wait for a countdown. He threw a combination of bludgeoning, banishing, and tripping charms at her, immediately forcing her on the defensive. He aimed them not just at her body but all around her. Tonks sidestepped one curse and shielded several more, then ducked as a powerful disarming charm flew over her head.

He continued casting at a furious rate, trying to overwhelm her defenses.

"That all you got, Harry?" she asked, grinning maniacally.

"I've got enough for you," he said, his confidence growing as she could barely get an offensive spell in.

"We'll see."

Tonks swatted a disarming charm out of her path and returned fire, forcing Harry to go on defense. But he stayed on the move, dodging when he could, and soon the two combatants were circling each other and trading spells.

Harry shot a tripping jinx at her feet and followed it up with a powerful bludgeoner. His aim was true. Tonks threw up a hasty shield, but it buckled under the raw power of the curse and she took some of it in the chest.

"Ow! Dammit, Harry, you hit me in the boobs!"

"Not my fault you can't play with the big boys, fearsome Auror."

Tonks rubbed her chest and narrowed her eyes. "Somebody's about to get spanked. Hard."

A fierce cutting curse leapt from her wand and he was forced to dodge. A moment later a bludgeoning spell more powerful than his own rang against his shield. It was followed by an even stronger one, and he fell on his ass as it buckled. He rolled immediately, barely avoiding the impact of two spells on the ground beside him.

He cast a shield and looked up, only to find that Tonks had disappeared. "What the…"

A banishing curse flew out of nowhere and smacked him in the chest, knocking him down again. He rolled and sent a spray of water across the room, seeking out the invisible Tonks. A shimmer in the air revealed her presence, and he bombarded the area with stunning and disarming charms. They had no effect other than provoking her laughter.

He stayed very still, watching for the slightest motion, but saw nothing. He sprayed the room with water again, but it fell uselessly to the ground. Harry was almost ready to start cursing randomly when his glasses flew off his face, landing in the corner of the room. He hastily sent stunning spells in that direction, but they hit nothing.

Now he could barely see. Shielding himself, he ducked low and prepared for an attack. A moment later a vicious stinging curse hit him in the arse and he yelped. He turned with a spell on his lips, but a tripping curse sent him sprawling and his wand flew through the air. He watched with disgust as Tonks tapped her head and appeared in front of him.

"You lose," she said with a huge smile.

"You cheated."

"There's no such thing as cheating, Dusty. I'll teach you lot how to disillusion yourselves too, but that's a bit of a long term project."

"I meant that you summoned my glasses."

"How is that cheating? I would have summoned them before now but it didn't even occur to me to try. You need to get some new glasses. Those are a major weakness."

"My glasses are fine," he said mulishly, standing and dusting himself off.

"Sure, if you want to look like Buddy Holly. But I mean you need to get wizarding glasses. I can't believe you're still wearing those muggle things. They don't have any protection on them."

"What do you mean?"

"Wizard specs have built-in charms—protection against damage, fire, summoning, and the like. We need to get you an upgrade at Hogsmeade next weekend."

Harry grumbled but accepted his wand from her. "I had you before you cheated."

"Keep telling yourself that."

He went to retrieve his glasses and she hit him in the arse with what felt like a spanking hex.

He may have lost the fight, but he was happy with his performance on the whole. He knew he was getting better and stronger at everything, and the confidence with which he approached her today seemed to have made a difference. You have to believe you can win before you can win, he realized. Still, it was humiliating to get beaten so soundly on a regular basis, even if Tonks was an Auror.

Hermione and Ron had watched the duel from the sidelines, silently cheering for Harry. They too wanted to score a victory against Tonks, even by proxy. Hermione especially had been getting stomped by her, as she lacked the killer instinct necessary for dueling.

"I'm going to do some research," she declared, pointing at the rows of books along the walls. "There must be thousands of useful spells in those, and I'll never match you for sheer power. At least not anytime soon."

"There probably are," Tonks replied with a shrug, "but not for fighting. You need to be able to do some quick transfigurations and master about thirty or so spells. Better to be a master of ten than be mediocre with a hundred. There's no need to spend all day researching weird stuff, Hermione. I've taken all three of you out with spells you already know."

Hermione huffed. Tonks had repeatedly told her that books were worthless when learning how to fight, and it stung. "But research is what I'm good at."

"I know. And that's fine. But don't expect it to make you a better fighter. If you want to live through a duel, you need to learn to be quick and brutal. We'll do some shocking, piercing, and exploding curses next time, then maybe start on silent casting."

Hermione cast one last longing look at the books before they cleaned up and left the room.

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The next morning, Harry watched in breathless anticipation as the mail arrived. If all went to plan, breakfast would prove to be quite a spectacle. The school had been overrun with rumors about Snape leaving Umbridge's office. Neither appeared to be in worse moods than usual, so it seemed likely that they remained unaware of them.

Few students gave them much credence anyway. It was simply too unbelievable that Snape would be romantically involved with anyone, let alone Umbridge. Harry and company hoped that would change with the morning mail.

Hermione nudged Ron and Tonks nudged Harry as a trio of handsome eagle owls soared into the Great Hall, carrying an absolutely massive bouquet of flowers between them. It had been charmed to remain stable or it would have already crashed into the house tables. The bouquet was resplendent, with flowers of all types and color. The huge crystal vase that contained them sparkled in flight.

The students watched in wonder as the beautiful delivery made its way to the head table. Colin Creevey scrambled for his camera, wanting to document the colorful array. The owls hovered in front of Umbridge before lowering the vase to the table and flying away.

The flowers were so big that they nearly blocked her from view, but the students began chattering immediately. Who would send Umbridge such an extravagant arrangement? Was it her birthday? Did she have a secret admirer? Was it really Snape?

Even the other Professors stared at Umbridge and the bouquet. The whole school watched as she detached a big pink envelope from the ensemble and read it with befuddlement. The chatter rose to deafening levels when she furtively glanced down the table at Snape. She rose from her seat and approached his chair, an odd look on her face. The sounds in the Great Hall suddenly ceased.

Hermione could barely subdue the smile that threatened to burst across her face. She had worked on that letter for two days, perfecting every word, and now she would get to see the results.

Snape was unaware of his predicament, as he could not have cared less who was sending Umbridge flowers. His blissful ignorance was broken when the squat witch loomed beside him, her shadow covering his plate.

He frowned at her rudely. "May I help you, Madam Umbridge?"

She eyed him with a hint of disapproval. "I think we should speak privately about this…very public display. Don't you agree, Severus?"

Though she spoke lowly, the students at the front of the room could make out her words. Tonks and the trio were listening with ease due to a charm placed under Snape's seat.

He glanced subtly around the room, noting that every eye was upon him. Even the staff were watching the exchange openly.

"I'm afraid you have me at a loss, Madam Umbridge."

"Oh, that's quite alright," she simpered. "I do understand your reticence. We should discuss the situation over afternoon tea. In my office, perhaps?"

Snape glanced at Dumbledore, who was watching the conversation with confusion. His instinct was to tell the repugnant woman to return to the hole she crawled out of, but he was all too aware of the power she currently wielded.

He nodded curtly instead. "Of course."

Umbridge smiled and returned to her seat. The silence in the Hall broke, and was soon filled with disbelieving whispers and not a few hysterical laughs. Few members of Slytherin House dared to speak.

Tonks looked around at the trio, all of whom were wearing smiles that could have fueled a patronus.

"Well, we have a date for afternoon tea now, don't we?"

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"Oh, please, for the love of all that's holy, let him turn up," Ron pleaded with the universe. "I swear I'll turn in all my assignments on time."

"I heard that," Hermione said.

"Here he comes," Tonks said gleefully. "I have _got_ to get a pensieve. Maybe I can convince Sirius to buy one for me. He's bored and rich."

Harry shushed them as they watched Snape stride with purpose down the Defense corridor to keep his appointment with Umbridge. The four conspirators sat in chairs in the Room of Requirement, leaning forward and hoping that their prank would result in something humiliating. It was a good plan, but so much depended on luck.

Snape rapped sharply on her door, and Umbridge opened it with a wide smile. A big pink bow was attached to her hair, matching her cardigan. She stepped aside and gestured for him to enter.

He stood ramrod straight in the center of the room until she sat down in a chair and motioned for him to join her. He sat down and watched her without expression, waiting on her to make the first move.

"Thank you for coming, Severus. I must say I was rather surprised by your display this morning."

Snape breathed in and out slowly. He knew the woman was under the impression that he had sent her a bouquet of flowers. Dumbledore had counseled him to remain calm and politely seek answers from her, but he was already plotting several deaths. This had Tonks, Potter, and his idiotic friends written all over it. Not even the Weasley twins would dare provoke him so blatantly.

"I found myself rather surprised as well, Madam. As I said, you have me at a disadvantage."

She tilted her head and appraised him from head to toe. Snape barely repressed a shiver. "There's no need to be coy here, Severus. We can speak candidly in my office. I was impressed with the sentiments of your letter, but I am disappointed that you chose to display them so publically."

He didn't respond at first. "May I see the letter, Madam Umbridge?" he asked, his face a polite mask.

She raised an eyebrow and passed the pink envelope to him. "Forgotten your lovely words already? I was quite captivated by the depth of your enthusiasm."

Snape resisted the urge to snap at her as he opened the envelope and digested its contents. It read:

 _My Dearest Dolores,_

 _I am a man of few words, so I must beg your forgiveness for expressing my admiration for you via parchment. I have watched you longingly for weeks now, and I can restrain my feelings no longer. I share your passion for the betterment of the wizarding world, and I believe our shared passions could give birth to a deeper and more fulfilling union._

 _Please look with compassion on this poor wizard, for it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to your charms. Would you do me the honor of accompanying you to Hogsmeade next weekend?_

 _Devotedly yours,_

 _Severus Snape_

The trio and Tonks watched as a blush formed on Snape's cheeks for perhaps the first time in history. He quickly squashed it.

"I see," he said without emotion, handing the letter back to her. His black eyes almost glittered as he calculated a million different scenarios in his mind, trying to determine the most advantageous approach to this situation.

"Oh, Merlin, we're dead," Ron muttered.

"Shhh!"

Umbridge smiled and steepled her fingertips together on her considerable paunch. "As I'm sure you know, Severus, relationships between staff members are discouraged. They create gossip among the students and distract them from their studies. The Ministry likewise frowns on them."

Snape listened intently, uncertain which emotion to express. He was in an awkward position, which is precisely why they had put him in it. He couldn't afford to offend Umbridge, as she had power over him and was seeking to oust Dumbledore. But neither could he court her affections without also courting suicide.

"So I'm afraid I must politely decline your invitation to Hogsmeade, my dear," she continued. "I'm sure you understand."

His face flooded with relief. "I quite understand, Madam Umbridge. Do forgive my impertinence. I shall make certain it does not happen again."

"That's quite alright. Quite alright. But I am not so cruel as to leave you devastated," she simpered. "I quite understand your longings. We could perhaps make another kind of arrangement."

"Arrangement?"

Umbridge graced him with a blush, which gave her the appearance of a sunburned amphibian. "Indeed. I believe we have things to offer each other. You, for instance, are one of the Headmaster's favorites. He trusts you. Surely you can see, however, which way the wind is blowing. His tenure here is likely to end soon, and it would be wise of you to have other allies on staff."

"Indeed," he responded stiffly, his teeth audibly grinding.

"It is likely that I shall become Headmistress. In that case I would be in a position to reward you, perhaps with a raise, or perhaps with the Defense Professorship. I understand you have always coveted the position."

"I have."

"Well, imagine how much you would be rewarded if you were to help me remove Dumbledore from Hogwarts. You would be providing a great service to the wizarding world."

"You wish me to…spy for you?" he replied, the faintest hint of despair creeping into his voice.

"I know such a position might be uncomfortable for you, but think of your future, my dear. Dumbledore will not always be here. The Ministry rewards its loyal servants, and I do appreciate those who are loyal to me."

Umbridge grinned in a manner that might have been seductive on any other face. She slowly raised the edge of her robes, revealing fat ankles that spilled out of pink Mary Janes. When she was satisfied that she had his attention, she crossed her legs, letting her robes ride up to give him a glimpse of her pale, fatty thigh. His swallow was audible.

"You might think of it as an incentive-based system," she said with a coy smile, letting the edge of her robes return to the floor.

Snape's jaw worked ceaselessly as he stared into Umbridge's eyes for a very long moment. The faintest sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead. "I see."

"Do give it some thought, Severus. I know you must be disappointed in my answer, but I assure you that when the situation at Hogwarts has become stable, there will be time for other, more _pleasurable_ endeavors."

He nodded stiffly and rose. "I appreciate your consideration in this matter, Madam Umbridge. I think it best if we do not speak of it to anyone else."

"Of course. I wouldn't dream of it."

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In the Room of Requirement, Ron was again howling with laughter. "Oh, Merlin, did you see his face? We need to practice the patronus charm _right fucking now_. Mine would be solid gold, I know it."

"Ronald! Language!" Hermione gasped through her giggles.

Harry and Tonks made eye contact and smiled maliciously. She held out her hand and he shook it. Life in the castle was about to get more interesting for everyone. If Dumbledore refused to protect Harry from Umbridge, the Ministry, and Snape, they would just do it themselves.

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 **A/N** : Yep, that's next level evil. Thanks for reading and reviewing. I love to hear your feedback.

The plot will be picking up soon. You needn't worry about this being a year full of silly pranks.


	11. Chapter 11

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 11:**

Snape marched through the corridors of Hogwarts as if the air itself offended him. His customary sneer was absent, but not because he was concealing his emotions. Pure rage filled every ounce of his being, so much so that the air seemed to shimmer around him.

"Ice Mice," he spat at the gargoyle, and it hastily jumped aside.

He strode into Dumbledore's office, not bothering to greet the old man.

"Absolutely not!" he shouted, already pacing the floor. "I refuse utterly, no matter the consequences!"

Dumbledore's bushy eyebrows rose. "I gather your meeting with Madam Umbridge did not go well?"

"That—that _thing_ ," he hissed, but couldn't find the words to continue. Instead he pulled out his wand and withdrew a glowing thread of silver from his temple.

"Watch," Snape commanded.

Dumbledore watched the memory in his pensieve as Snape paced a hole in the carpet. The Headmaster returned several minutes later with a contemplative look on his face.

"There will be blood," Snape said, before he could even speak. "Gallons of it."

"Severus, calm yourself and think clearly. This is not such a disaster. In fact, I believe we could use this situation to our advantage."

Snape stopped pacing and stared at him, his black eyes filled with loathing. Dumbledore arched an eyebrow, and the Potions Master took a calming breath.

"I want their heads, Albus. On a platter. Delivered to me by owl. Tomorrow."

"Of whose heads do we speak?"

"Don't be obtuse! Only Potter and that pink-haired hussy would dare insult me like this."

"I will hear no more of that talk," Dumbledore said warningly. "I agree that they have gone too far, but I did warn you not to antagonize Harry Potter this year. Must you rise to the bait?"

"You allow that child to run roughshod over the rules of this school! He—"

"Enough! We have had this conversation a hundred times, and I shall not have it again. You know what's at stake, and why Harry Potter must be protected. Remember your oath to me, and your pledge to protect Lily's son."

"Damn your oath. I will not stand for this."

"I shall speak to them and ensure that they see reason. But you will _not_ retaliate. Do I make myself clear? I will not have my school turned into a warzone because of a blood feud between you and Harry Potter. You will only succeed in backing us further into a corner."

Snape fumed at him silence. The Headmaster just watched as his Professor slowly regained control of his emotions, his breathing returning to normal.

"Better," Dumbledore said calmly. "Now, do sit down and let's discuss this situation. As I said, we can use it to our advantage, no matter its original intent."

He grudgingly sat down in front of the Headmaster's desk, pulling his cloak around him as if he didn't want it to touch anything in the room.

"You must intervene," Snape persisted. "You must tell her that there can be no relationships whatsoever between staff members. Invent a rule. Tell her we are secret lovers for all I care. But you must do _something_ , or I will poison the woman myself, and she shall be followed soon after by a Potter and a metamorph."

"That is an empty threat, dear boy, and you know it. Pause for a moment and think on the opportunity this presents us. If she believes you are on her side, we can delay her. You will be in a position to mitigate the damage she causes. Use this opportunity to discover her plans and point her in a harmless direction. You might offer to redesign the Defense curriculum with her, and take your time with it."

"I could do it right now. There are a dozen poisons in my office that would kill her stone dead within the hour."

Dumbledore pursed his lips. "Severus."

"You can't be serious, Albus! For the love of Merlin, have I not sacrificed enough of my sanity for your chess game? That foul woman will never lay a hand on me, nor will I pretend I desire her to do so!"

The Headmaster continued speaking as if he hadn't heard him. "I know this might be distasteful for you. I am not suggesting you _romance_ the poor woman. Simply string her along until we can be rid of her. I believe she intends to sack several important Professors, and we can't allow that to happen."

Snape clenched his fists so tightly that his fingernails almost drew blood. "If this goes poorly, that creature will be scrutinizing my every action. She could monitor my movements or look into my past. I do not need that kind of attention from the Ministry. It could jeopardize everything."

"All the more reason to appease her, I should think. I have complete faith in your abilities."

"She could ask me to…do things," he pleaded.

"As I said, I have complete faith in your abilities."

Snape stared at the Headmaster for almost half a minute, his face a blank mask. "I hate you, Albus."

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"I'm going too," Harry insisted.

"He only asked to see me," Tonks answered. "In fact, he insisted that I be alone."

"I don't _care_! You know why he wants to see you. I have a right to some answers. I want to know why he's doing _nothing_ to help us!"

Tonks sighed. "Calm down, Harry. It won't help to walk in there and yell at the Headmaster."

"I'll stay calm. But I'm coming with you."

"Alright, fine. Let's go."

As they made their way toward the Headmaster's office, Harry's mind whirled with anticipation. He knew why Tonks had been called to the carpet. Snape was no doubt in a murderous mood, and Dumbledore would attempt some kind of damage control. As far as he was concerned, Snape had it coming, and he wouldn't hesitate to explain their reasons.

He could feel his anger building as they walked. He was absolutely sick of being ignored and wanted answers. Why had the Headmaster been avoiding him? Why had he been having these visions and headaches? Why wasn't anyone doing anything about Umbridge? What was being done about Voldemort? By the time they reached the gargoyle, his head had begun to throb and he was ready to spit nails.

"Ice Mice," Tonks spoke calmly, and they walked up the spiral staircase together.

Dumbledore frowned when he spotted Harry. "Nymphadora, I thought I made it clear that—"

"You did make it clear, Headmaster," Harry said sharply. "I insisted on coming. You have been stonewalling me since this summer, and allowing that woman to do whatever she wants. I want some answers."

Harry had never spoken to Dumbledore like that, but he had been frustrated since term began, and his anger suddenly felt overpowering. Something in his head roared, nearly blinding him with pain. He felt an irrational urge to attack the old man, and had to stamp it down.

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose at his tone. He stared at him closely for a long moment, as if searching for something, then looked away. Harry didn't fail to notice that he was unwilling to meet his eyes for very long.

"Very well, Harry. Have a seat, and do try to remain calm."

He and Tonks both sat down and waited patiently for him to start the conversation. He was the one who had requested her presence, after all.

"I think you know why I wished to see you, Nymphadora."

"No idea, Headmaster. I think maybe you should be talking to Snape. He's the one who's causing scenes in the Great Hall."

Dumbledore sighed, as if he were the most upon man in the world. "Must you antagonize Severus so blatantly? We are all on the same side here."

"Are we? Because I could swear he's doing his damnedest to help the other guys."

"Severus has a very dangerous role to play, as I'm sure you can appreciate. He must be perceived to hold certain beliefs to play that role."

Tonks scoffed. "What rot. As if people wouldn't believe you forced him to toe the line. How can you tell everyone you trust him when he swoops around like the world's most obvious wannabe Death Eater? No, you're letting that gobshite make a mockery of this school and he's doing it because he _likes_ it. Right now he's getting his just desserts."

"We are not here to discuss Professor Snape's behavior, Miss Tonks. We are here to discuss _your_ behavior, and I shall thank you not to tell me how to run Hogwarts. I have voluntarily allowed you here. I can revoke that privilege at any time, no matter what Madam—"

"If she goes, I go," Harry said fiercely, cutting him off.

Both Dumbledore and Tonks looked at him in surprise. "Pardon me, Harry?" he said.

"If she goes, I go," he repeated, not aware of the look Tonks was giving him. "She's the only person in this castle who is even trying to help us. You're letting that woman _torture_ people!"

He slowly rose from his seat, his anger spiking until he was almost vibrating with rage. "You're letting that evil bastard send people to her for detention! You're letting her sabotage Defense with Voldemort out there!"

He stepped closer to Dumbledore's desk until he was looming over it and almost shouting in his face. "You won't let us question her with truth serum! You won't tell us what's happening! I've got a Dark Lord after my head, not to mention half this fucking school, and you're bloody well _ignoring me_!"

Harry finished, his chest panting and his body visibly shaking. The silence in the aftermath was profound. He looked down, only now realizing he had risen out of his seat. He felt such an all-consuming rage that it was all he could do not to hurl himself across the desk and strangle Dumbledore. He was only dimly aware that he was acting irrationally, because it felt like his head might split open at any second.

"Harry," Dumbledore said quickly. "I need you to calm yourself. Take a deep breath and imagine your patronus memory. Do it now."

Harry stared at him in total confusion, but he was willing to do anything to stop the blinding pain behind his eyes. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, but could think of no happy memories. He couldn't even remember the feeling he was searching for. He stood still for a long minute, trying to regain control of the raging turmoil inside him. The sound of Tonks' laughter rose unbidden in his mind, and he latched onto it desperately. He focused on the mirth they had experienced together at Snape's expense, and the anger and pain slowly came under his control.

He took a deep breath and almost collapsed into his seat. He could feel the cold sweat on his face and even on his chest. Both Tonks and the Headmaster were staring at him worriedly.

"I apologize," he said, his chest still heaving. "I—I don't know where that came from. I just wanted some answers. You owe us some, Headmaster. I'm not leaving until we get them."

Dumbledore sank back into his chair with a look of genuine exhaustion. "Dear boy, you must understand that there is information you cannot be privy to. Lives depend upon secrecy. I assure you that I am doing all that I can to—"

"Then you're not doing enough," Harry said stubbornly, glaring at him again.

The Headmaster blinked and observed his favorite student for a long moment. Harry had never spoken to him with such blatant disrespect, and he was surprised at how much it hurt.

"I understand your frustration," he said softly. "I have already spoken to Professor Snape, and he has agreed not to retaliate for this latest…event. But this must not continue. You are risking far more than you know for some petty revenge. We are all on the same side here."

"Then why are you ignoring me?"

"As I said, there are some things I cannot tell you. It is not my intention to neglect you. I care deeply for your well-being, and I have been getting regular reports from Miss Tonks. I must ask you to trust me."

Harry considered that evasive answer in silence. Rage threatened to overwhelm again and he breathed deeply and pushed it away.

"And Umbridge? Why won't you let us stun her and shove some truth serum down her throat? Don't pretend you couldn't obliviate her afterwards."

"I have my reasons, and they include not stooping to the level of our enemies. Remember what we are fighting to preserve. You seem to be under the impression that I am omnipotent. I assure you I am not. And if I simply imposed my will on everyone, how does that make me different from Voldemort?"

Harry stared at him incredulously. "For one thing, you're not murdering, torturing, and raping people."

"Indeed I am not, which is why I must ask you to trust me."

They watched each other in silence. Tonks cleared her throat, breaking the stalemate.

"We'll lay off Snape if he lays off us. But he is done attacking Harry and his friends. He is done assigning detentions with Umbridge. And he is bloody well _done_ letting his Slytherins toss explosive ingredients around in class. The next time Draco Malfoy attempts to harm Harry, I'm putting him in St. Mungo's. It's a miracle no one has died in there."

Dumbledore inclined his head politely. "I will ensure his cooperation. I believe it is best if we end our conversation here and let tempers cool. Remember, both of you, that there is always more going on than meets the eye. I have a plan, and I must insist that you trust me, or all is lost."

Harry sighed, his exhaustion finally sapping his anger. His strength seemed to leave him all at once. "Then I guess we're done here."

He stood up and walked out of the room without another word. Tonks frowned at his back and followed him.

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She watched him out of the corner of her eye as they walked slowly back to the Room of Requirement. Neither spoke. He looked dead on his feet, and she was still trying to process what had just happened.

Dumbledore's intransigence had been expected. The Headmaster almost never revealed information to his allies. She had gone in expecting quite a bollocking for what they had done to Snape. She had half-expected Snape to be there, a curse on his lips.

But Harry's presence had changed everything. His defense of her caught her by surprise. She couldn't quite believe he had actually threatened the Headmaster on her behalf.

She had been taking her assignment to protect him seriously, just as she took his training seriously. But she had also delighted in teasing him without mercy. She had been under the impression that he found her irritating, no matter how useful her tutelage. Perhaps there was more to it than that.

She watched him shuffle along, staring at the stone floor in silence. She could admit to herself that she had grown fond of him. Sometimes it felt as if they had integrated her into their little trio—so much so that she forgot this was supposed to be an ordinary bodyguard assignment. She understood now why Ron and Hermione were so loyal to him, and why Harry felt the need to throw himself into danger. None of the people who were supposed to be looking out for him were doing their jobs.

She renewed her promise to herself to keep him safe, and to somehow do something about the load that had been dropped on his shoulders.

When they had arrived safely at the Room of Requirement, Ron and Hermione rose to greet them. They stopped short when they took in Harry's appearance. His skin had a sickly pallor and the hair at his temples was slick with sweat.

"What happened? Harry?" asked an alarmed Hermione as she pulled him to a chair.

Tonks dropped into a seat next to him. "That's what I'd like to know. What in Merlin's name was that, Harry?"

"I don't know," he said, his voice hoarse. The optimistic mood of the previous few days seemed to have deserted him entirely. "I didn't mean to get that angry. It just…happened."

"You looked like you were about to attack him. And now you look like you're about to faint."

"My head is still splitting. It felt like my scar was about to burst open in his office."

"We're going to Pomfrey after you've had a little rest. We're getting some you some pain potions and some dreamless sleep for tonight. No arguments."

He nodded tiredly and sank back into the chair.

"What happened?" Hermione asked again, almost afraid of the answer.

"Dumbledore happened," Tonks replied. "He was defending Snape and giving his usual non-answers and Harry just snapped. He stood up and yelled in his face. I honestly thought he was going to attack him. You were a bit scary there, Harrikins. The Headmaster was palming his wand."

"Sorry," he muttered.

"No worries. We all know you're a big softy at heart. What was the deal with him telling you to think of your patronus memory?"

"I don't know. I just remember it felt like my head was about to explode with rage. It just came out of nowhere. I…I honestly did want to attack him."

"And he told you to think of a happy memory?" Hermione asked, baffled.

"Something like that." He wasn't entirely sure what had happened during that brief struggle for control. He only knew that he felt like he was losing until he had latched onto the sound of Tonks' laughter in his head. It wasn't something he felt like revealing.

"So what did Dumbledore say?" Ron asked, also watching Harry with concern.

"Nothing," Tonks said disgustedly. "The usual nonsense. 'You must trust me. I have a plan. I can't tell you what it is, but it includes letting everyone bend us over without fighting back.' I think he might be a secret masochist. That would explain why he loves Snape."

"What did he say about our prank on Snape and Umbridge?"

"He was pretty pissed off, but Harry here insisted that if Dumbledore booted me, he was leaving too. Thanks for that, by the way."

He gave her a tired grin. "No problem."

Tonks winked at him and addressed Hermione. "I don't know what he plans to do about our little prank. We didn't quite get around to it before Harry did his impression of a werewolf getting buggered by a hornet's nest. I'll ask next time."

Hermione blinked and tried to shake the image from her mind. "So, er, we're not going to get our hands on truth serum?"

"Nope. Apparently Dumbledore enjoys Umbridge's company enough to keep her around."

Hermione's face set with determination. "Fine. If he won't give it to us, we'll brew it ourselves."

"It takes forever to brew, it's obscenely difficult, and the ingredients are restricted and expensive. There's no way I could do it."

"Then I'll do it. I brewed polyjuice in our second year."

"This one is a mastery level potion, Hermione."

"Never you mind. If we can get the ingredients, I can brew it."

"Can we not just buy it?" Ron asked. "Seems a bloody hassle to make it ourselves."

"There might be some on the black market, but it would cost a small fortune and would probably end up poisoning someone instead."

"Where would we get the ingredients, even if Hermione can brew it?"

Tonks shrugged. "Harry's got a rich godfather who wants to help. You really think you can brew truth serum, Hermione? I'm not joking about how hard it is."

She lifted her chin proudly. "Not all battles are won with wands."

Tonks laughed and tossed up her hands in surrender. "Alright, Potions Mistress. We don't have a better option right now. Let's talk to Sirius and see if he'll shell out the galleons. Where's your mirror, Harry?"

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In the week following Harry's meltdown in Dumbledore's office, his mood slowly improved. Madam Pomfrey dosed him two nights in a row with dreamless sleep potion, and he finally got some restful sleep. He still didn't understand what had happened, but the return to something like normalcy helped. Tonks returned to teasing him in training, quidditch practice resumed, and everyone stopped looking at him quite so worriedly.

With a plan in place to finally kneecap Umbridge—and, if they were lucky, strike a real blow for the war effort—hope was on the horizon. Sirius had promised to pay for whatever ingredients they needed, though it would take some time to acquire them. But Harry had faith in Hermione, and now they just needed to be patient.

It helped that the students were no longer focusing their attention on him. The mood in the school was practically buoyant. A romance between Snape and Umbridge was the most delicious gossip in living memory. Speculation ran wild. Every detail was analyzed. The common rooms and corridors were filled with awed whispers and disgusted giggles. Some wondered whether the two would be seen on a date for the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend. In the absence of a denial from the Professors involved, even the most skeptical students started to believe it was true.

Fred and George celebrated the occasion as the greatest prank in the history of Hogwarts. Graffiti began appearing on corridor walls. At first they were simple cartoons of bats and toads holding hands and gazing at each other lovingly. They morphed into bats and toads copulating in a variety of sexual positions. McGonagall was furious, but she couldn't catch anyone in the act.

No one quite had the courage to ask Snape or Umbridge about the supposed declaration of intent in the Great Hall. Snape assigned detentions to anyone who so much as glanced at him, shelling out a record 36 in three days.

Harry and his friends watched everything unfold with delight. The prank had been a huge success as far as they were concerned. But it wasn't until the end of the week that they realized just how successful they had been. Their delight turned into vicious glee.

Tonks informed them after a meeting with Dumbledore that Snape was being forced to play along with the ruse. He had to pretend to be interested in Umbridge in order to discover her plans. The smile on Hermione's face could have put Lockhart's to shame. The four of them laughed gleefully in the safety of their headquarters, but kept their wits about them outside it.

They all knew Snape would be far more than displeased. So far the uneasy peace between them was holding. Dumbledore had apparently succeeding in reining him in. But Harry doubted that would last. Snape glared at them malevolently through every Potions class, though he did not speak to them directly.

That changed in their final class before the Hogsmeade weekend. Harry and Tonks were packing up their potion kits, relieved to escape Snape's glowering presence, when he spoke.

"Potter. Blackwell. Stay behind."

The rest of the class shuffled out fearfully at his tone. Even the Slytherins decided not to laugh at their predicament.

"Sit," he commanded when they were finally alone.

"No thanks," Tonks said politely.

They engaged in a staring match that lasted at least thirty seconds. He finally broke the silence.

"Should you ever pull a stunt like this again, they will never find your body," he said, his voice eerily calm. "For now, we must pretend to be allies. But make no mistake. When all of this is over, there will be a reckoning. You think you know what humiliation is, but you have no idea. You had best hope I don't survive."

Tonks just held his gaze, an eyebrow quirked. "That sounds an awful lot like you're threatening an Auror, Snape. I might have to bring you in for questioning."

He ignored her. His eyes flitted to Harry and he sneered. "And you, _Potter_. If you get me killed with your nonsense, I swear to you that I will return as a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your wretched, Gryffindor life. Should you survive the Dark Lord, I will heckle you on every date you go on. I will float behind your shoulder when you propose to your wife. I will teach whatever children you spawn every curse known to mankind. Their first words will be 'imperio' and I will encourage them to practice it on each other at every available opportunity. Do you understand?"

"Er, yes, sir."

"Good. Now get out of my sight."

Tonks laughed as soon as they left the room, but Harry's mind was stuck on Snape's closing words. He couldn't imagine a more hellish scenario. Perhaps they had gone a touch overboard with their revenge.

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The day dawned brightly on the morning of the first Hogsmeade weekend. Harry had been looking forward to escaping the castle all week. Though Tonks had insisted on buying him new glasses, the rest of his afternoon would be spent simply walking around and forgetting his troubles for a while.

He planned to sleep in, as good sleep was becoming an increasingly scarce commodity. He was in the midst of a pleasant dream about quidditch, racing to catch a purple snitch, when he felt his body go rigid.

"Hem, hem."

He jerked awake at the words, and was horrified to discover that he could only move his head. The rest of his body had been petrified.

The curtains to his four-poster parted, and the smirking visage of Dolores Umbridge came into view.

"You've been a bad boy, Mr. Potter. I have discovered you to be the source of the recent _unpleasantness_ in this school. I have assigned you detention for the rest of your life!"

He blinked rapidly at her, not quite awake, and panicking because he couldn't move.

"I, er…"

Her toadlike grin widened. "We shall have to find a punishment more suitable than writing lines. Bad boys sometimes need to be spanked, don't they?"

His brain finally engaged and he sighed with relief. "Tonks."

"I have no idea what you're babbling about, Mr. Potter. But it is very inappropriate for a young wizard to play with his wand as much as you do. Wands aren't meant to practice such dark magic."

"Tonks," he warned. "I will hurt you."

The body bind holding him disappeared. She laughed and morphed back into the form of Violet Blackwell. "Nonsense, you love me. Get up so we can eat and go to Hogsmeade. I'm starving."

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"First stop, the spectacle shop," she said as the four of them strolled into the village. "Then maybe we should buy Harry some new clothes to complete his makeover. What do you say, Harry? Fancy some new underwear?"

"Nobody's touching my underwear," he growled.

"That's exactly the problem."

She laughed and danced out of the way of his stinging curse, then fell flat on her face, tripped up by a rock he had summoned from beneath her.

He stepped over her and kept walking. She dusted herself off and caught up, still grinning. "Getting better, Harry. Don't stray too far from me today. We don't want to tempt fate, and you might have some visitors later."

"Who?"

"You'll see."

A half-hour later, they were ensconced in the tiny magical spectacles shop, and Harry's patience was wearing thin. The old lady manning the store had easily discovered the proper prescription for him, but finding the proper frames was proving something else entirely. Tonks insisted he try on everything in the store, including frames that only Rita Skeeter would wear.

Hermione too was placing random glasses on his face, only to shake her head and remove them immediately. He felt like he was back in Ollivander's shop trying to find his wand.

"They're just glasses, for Merlin's sake," he insisted. He had wanted to just grab a set of frames similar to his old ones, but he had been outvoted.

"'They're just glasses,'" Tonks said mockingly. "We're looking for something that makes your eyes pop. Be quiet and let the experts work."

He rolled his eyes and waited patiently as they treated him like a human doll. He had stopped looking in the mirror twenty minutes ago.

"Ah!" she finally said. "I think that's it. What do you say, Hermione?"

Hermione leaned in and examined his face. "Huh. Your eyes really are as green as a fresh-pickled toad."

Ron burst out laughing and she patted Harry on the cheek. "I'm kidding. But those really do suit you. You can barely tell they're there. Look."

She pointed to a nearby mirror and he examined his reflection. The frames were still circular, but they were a light silver, and so thin that they were barely visible. They really did make his eyes pop.

Tonks grinned smugly and turned to the cashier. "We'll take them. All the usual enchantments. Just make sure he can't see through clothes."

After another agonizing wait for her to enchant them, he was finally free. They walked out of the store and back into the main square, where they found a smiling Remus Lupin waiting on them. Harry went to greet him, but stopped short when he saw Remus' companion. Sitting on its haunches next to him and panting in the sun was a massive dog. A massive white dog. Whose shaggy fur had been brushed till it shone. A big blue bow was perched on its head.

Harry stared at it for a good ten seconds before he burst out laughing. "Snuffles?!"

The huge white dog barked and bounded up to him, where it proceeded to put its paws on his chest and slobber all over his face.

"Ugh, that's—stop that! That's gross!"

The dog made an almost-human sounding noise and danced a little jig in the street, much to the delight of nearby shoppers.

"What are you doing here?" he asked both Remus and the dog.

It was Remus who answered. "We all needed a little break, and someone absolutely insisted on seeing you in person. We've got a room above the The Hog's Head where we can talk."

The group made their way to the dingy pub and upstairs to a private room, which was just as dank-smelling as the rest of the place.

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed as soon as the door was closed and privacy charms in place. Godfather and godson embraced, and everyone watched their enthusiasm with amusement.

"What are you doing here? Is it safe? Why were you white?"

He laughed. "Easy, Harry. I just wanted to see you, and what the old man doesn't know won't hurt him. Remus came home yesterday and decided a makeover was required if he was going to walk his dog in Hogsmeade."

The six of them sat down on chairs and opened a round of butterbeers from a nearby table.

Sirius raised up his bottle for a toast. "To my godson, and the greatest prank ever performed on Snivellus!"

Harry gave a mock bow. "Thank you, but most of the credit goes to Hermione. It was her idea, and then Tonks and Dobby pulled it off."

"Then well done everyone. It always takes a team to pull off a proper prank. If I can track down a pensieve, I want to see your memories of Snape's face. Maybe we can take a photo of it. Can you do that, Moony?"

"A photo of a memory? I have no idea."

"Look into it. I want to frame it and put it in the kitchen so Snape has to see it at every meeting."

Harry could feel the stress of the last few weeks dissipating. They spent the next hour catching up with Sirius and gossiping about nothing in particular. He felt surrounded by good will, and his headache receded completely. He knew the pressure would reappear when they returned to Hogwarts, but today he was going to have fun and relish the company of friends, not to mention their little victory over Snape and Umbridge.

It was Sirius, oddly, who returned their discussion to serious matters.

"I'm still working on your request," he said to Hermione and Tonks. "I think we can get everything on that list, but it might take a couple weeks. Some of it is restricted."

"It won't be too expensive?" Harry asked.

Sirius waved him away. "Please. My mother would die of shame if the Black fortune were used to defeat Voldemort. That's all the reason I need. Are you sure you can brew it though?"

"I can do it," Hermione said confidently. "I'm already studying the process."

"Alright, well, good luck. Better you than me. Harry's crazy elf will be able to deliver the ingredients when they're ready."

"Thank you for this, Sirius," Tonks put in. "If we can dose that bitch, the whole deck of dominos will fall."

"Cards come in decks, not dominos," Hermione muttered, but Tonks just smirked at her.

"Speaking of elves," Sirius continued. "Dobby and one of his friends are going to deliver your little package to Grimmauld in a few days. I'm sending Kreacher to help. The attic's clear now and I think it'll fit."

"What will fit?" Remus asked.

"Don't worry about it. It's a surprise."

"Awesome," Harry said. He had almost forgotten about the basilisk skeleton in the chaos of the last few weeks.

"When's your first quidditch game again?"

"Er, in a couple weeks. But don't do anything stupid."

"Do you seriously think your godfather would do something stupid?"

Tonks smacked Sirius in the back of the head. "Stop that. No puns. And no trips to Hogwarts, even when you look like an ugly poodle."

"Behave, or I'll dock your allowance, Nymphadora."

"My name is Violet now, thank you very much."

Sirius smirked at her and looked at his watch. "Well, we should be getting back to my lovely mother soon, but I think we can spare another half hour. What do you say, Moony? A quick trip to Madam Dezubay's?"

"What's that?" Ron asked.

"We'll tell you when you're older."

"Probably be safer to find a stray dog," Remus shot back.

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 **A/N** : Thanks for reading and reviewing. Critical reviews are welcome. I want to know if something feels off.

Thanks to Feeruk for his valuable feedback on the chapter.


	12. Chapter 12

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 12:**

The foursome walked serenely into the Great Hall, where breakfast awaited them. A week had passed since the Hogsmeade visit, and things had been going well. Harry had no more sudden attacks of rage, though his dreams of the strange corridor returned as strong as ever. He was growing increasingly certain that whatever lay behind that door was important, and he had to know what it was. He decided to keep that to himself, as he was tired of the worried looks everyone gave him.

Hermione had been sporadically receiving potions ingredients from Dobby, which they stored in the Room of Requirement. When the last of them arrived, she would be able to begin brewing. Veritaserum was a complex potion that would take over two months to complete, and require her to stay up all night several times, but she was determined to brew it. The shape of the battlefield would become so much clearer if only they had more information.

The rest of the students were also in a positive mood, despite the best efforts of Snape and Umbridge. They had been incensed at the bat and toad graffiti, and all the Professors were now threatening dire consequences for anyone caught desecrating the castle walls. Those threats had mostly worked, but they hadn't stopped the students from gossiping. It was now accepted as fact that Snape and Umbridge were carrying on a torrid affair, even if they were rarely seen together.

And so it caught Harry and the trio off-guard when they walked into the Great Hall and were greeted with hostile glares. The room filled with whispers and angry muttering, and Tonks had to resist the urge to draw her wand. Everyone was staring at Harry as if he'd just stomped on a baby unicorn.

"What's going on?" Ron muttered.

"No idea, mate," Harry said uneasily as they took their seats.

Seamus slid a newspaper to them, and all four of them crowded around it. Suddenly everything made sense.

' _DEADLY LOVE TRIANGLE: A MURDER AT HOGWARTS?'_

Harry stared at the headline in dread. Surely the article couldn't be about—but, yes, it was. The most sordid, disgusting rumor at Hogwarts was now splayed across the front page of _The Daily Prophet_. He read it slowly, his heart racing faster with each new sentence.

The article stated nothing as fact, but it was filled with leading questions. Each had been designed to lead the reader to one inescapable conclusion: Harry Potter had murdered Cedric Diggory to win Cho Chang's affections. He had entered the Tri-Wizard tournament to impress her; he had begged her to attend the Yule Ball with him, but she had chosen his rival; finally, in an act of jealousy and desperation, he had murdered Cedric in cold blood. His story about You-Know-Who was a fabrication meant to cover his tracks.

The accusation went well beyond the slander directed at him over the summer. It provided a motive that readers who didn't know him would find plausible. And it wasn't a mere editorial. The article was filled with quotes, giving it an air of authenticity. He stared at them in disbelief, still too shocked to be angry.

" _Everyone knows he fancies Chang," said classmate Draco Malfoy, "but he's a rather mediocre wizard and she's way out of his league. I wouldn't dare accuse The-Boy-Who-Lived of anything, but it's well-known that he has an awful temper if he doesn't get his way."_

" _Potter is widely known to be unstable," agreed Hogwarts Potions Professor Severus Snape. "This has always been the case. He has a long history of inventing ridiculous stories to prevent the discovery of his misdeeds."_

 _Hogwarts Defense Professor and High Inquisitor Dolores Umbridge had this to say: "The Ministry of Magic takes the death of a Hogwarts student very seriously. Cedric Diggory was a fine, upstanding young wizard with a bright future. He didn't deserve to get caught up in the machinations of a jealous boy willing to do anything for fame. Rest assured that the Ministry will investigate this matter fully, and justice will be done."_

He looked at the byline, expecting to see Rita Skeeter's name, but it had been written by Barnabus Cuffe, the Chief Editor.

"Mother. Fucker," Tonks hissed under her breath, and he flinched. He had almost forgotten he was in a room full of people.

Awareness returned with a vengeance, and he felt the blood roaring in his ears. He looked up to find every eye in the hall on him. Some were looking at him as if they had never seen him before. Many more looked shocked but sympathetic, knowing the article was a hatchet job. Still others, especially the younger students, looked afraid of him. Cho was huddled in the middle of the Ravenclaw table, surrounded by friends who were comforting her and glaring at Harry, as if he had written the offending article.

His anger reached a boiling point. He glanced at the Head Table. Umbridge and Dumbledore were absent, but Snape was there, watching him impassively with the tiniest hint of a raised eyebrow. It was all Harry could do not to draw his wand and start flinging curses at the man.

His instinct was to incinerate the paper and storm out of the Hall, but another look at all the staring faces gave him pause. They watched him warily, waiting on him to do something dramatic. Something that would confirm or deny their suspicions. He had heard them whisper about him in their common rooms. He had seen them on the mirrors, and knew exactly what they thought of him. Tonks' words came back to him: 'They don't really know you.'

He took a deep breath, trying to control his racing heart, and stood.

"Harry…" Hermione said anxiously, but he ignored her.

Instead he made eye contact with as many people as he could.

"This article is a pack of lies," he said loudly, his voice resonating throughout the hall. "Every word of it. Cedric Diggory was my friend, and the true Champion of Hogwarts. You are dishonoring his memory if you believe this garbage. He doesn't deserve that. I don't deserve it, and most of all, Cho doesn't deserve it."

He paused, and noted that everyone seemed spellbound by his words. There was total silence. Cho watched him with tear-stained cheeks. Her friends listened closely, no longer glaring at him.

"Think about what has been happening at Hogwarts this year," he continued. "Look at the way the Ministry is attacking me. They're doing that because I am telling the truth. Voldemort is back, and he murdered Cedric Diggory. This—" he said disgustedly, pointing at the paper—"is an attack on the entire magical world. Malfoy is a liar. Snape is a liar—"

"Potter!" came an outraged shout from the head table. "Twenty points from Gryffindor! Cease this instant!"

"—and Umbridge is a liar. She is here to sabotage the school and deceive you. It's time for you to decide who you believe. Because I'm getting damn sick of this routine."

"Fifty points from Gryffindor and detention! _Now_!"

Snape had stood and was glaring at Harry murderously, his wand in his hand.

"No thanks, Professor," he said calmly.

He walked away from the table, intending to go to the kitchens where he could eat his breakfast in peace. Tonks, Hermione, and Ron looked at each other with raised eyebrows and followed him. The Great Hall exploded with noise the moment they left.

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"Mr. Potter is to serve his detention with Professor Snape, Miss Tonks," Dumbledore said firmly. "You are to make that clear to him. I cannot have the authority of my Professors undermined."

Tonks stared between the Headmaster and Snape, trying to keep control of her temper. If Harry could do it, so could she. She had been amazed at his composure during breakfast. She had expected a huge blow-up, but instead he had wrestled with himself and won, delivering a speech that resonated with most of the school. They might have to deal with consequences from Umbridge, but Harry had likely earned the respect of quite a few people that morning.

"He said he won't do it," she answered. "I reckon you should tell him yourself, Headmaster."

"I will not have a repeat of Harry's last visit to this office. It is important that he remains in control of his emotions. I am told he did an admirable job of that this morning, but nevertheless—he will serve the detention."

"And what sort of punishment will Snape get?" she asked, gesturing at the Potions Master. It wasn't lost on her that he stood at Dumbledore's right shoulder, behind the desk, while she was seated in front of it like a misbehaving student.

"Pardon?"

She snorted. "He was responsible for that bloody article. You know the one I'm talking about, right? The one that accuses Harry Potter, the most important student at your school, of being a murderer?"

"It was Umbridge's idea," Snape responded casually. "I was merely playing the role you assigned me. You wouldn't wish me to break my cover, would you?"

Tonks' wand slipped into her hand and Snape's was instantly in his.

"Do it, you greasy fuck," she hissed. "I'm begging you. I'm not a Hufflepuff firstie anymore. I will put you in St. Mungo's!"

Snape sneered at her but didn't raise his wand.

"Enough!" Dumbledore said angrily. He flicked his wand and both Snape's and Tonks' flew into his hand. "If you behave like children, I will treat you as such. There will be no more threats in this office, Miss Tonks."

She turned her gaze on Dumbledore. "Tell that to the Death Eater who is constantly threatening Harry. That article is unforgivable. And you're going to just let it go?"

"The Prophet article is most unfortunate. But there will be no Ministry investigation, because there is no evidence. It is mere slander, something that Harry and I have endured for months now."

"That wasn't a prank, Headmaster! People are going to _die_ if they don't believe this arsehole's Master is back. That's not 'mere slander'—and don't pretend it wasn't Snape's idea. He just struck a very public blow for Voldemort!"

"Alas, she forced my hand," Snape said regretfully. "I have a pretense to maintain, however unwillingly."

She longed to curse the smug expression off his face. But the Headmaster had taken her wand, which was a wise move on his part. She took a deep breath and calmed herself, knowing it would do no good to lose her temper further. She looked between the two men, not quite able to believe that they were her allies in a war.

Her assignment at Hogwarts was turning out to be a revelation in ways she could never have imagined. She hadn't been sidelined at all—Bones had placed her directly in the center of things. She sat at a crucial nexus between her boss, Dumbledore, Voldemort, and Harry Potter. It was a point of view that she would have been denied as an Auror.

As a result, her respect for Harry Potter was rising, while her respect for Dumbledore was plummeting. She was well aware of her own problem with authority figures, but this was getting ridiculous. She longed to ask Dumbledore if he was even trying to do anything for their cause—anything that produced visible results, at any rate—but she didn't want to risk getting kicked out of Hogwarts. It was more important than ever that she stay.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at the curiously long silence, perhaps expecting her to yell at Snape some more. But she watched them both, slowly coming to the realization that Dumbledore was exactly what he looked like: a well-meaning but tired old man, afraid to use his immense power. Fit for political chess games, perhaps, but not for fighting. She decided at that moment that everything she learned in the Order of the Phoenix would be going directly to Amelia Bones.

Tonks made eye contact with Snape. "You broke the peace. Remember that."

Then she looked at Dumbledore. "You are pushing Harry too far. You are not helping him at all. You are acting in support of his enemies," she said, pointing at Snape, "and this man _is_ his enemy. Keep it up, Headmaster, and he will see you as an enemy. If you force him to serve that detention, you will tell every student in this castle that it's more important to respect the authority of a pathetic sadist than it is to tell the truth. They already know they can't trust the Professors to protect them from Umbridge. What reason do they have to trust you?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Nymphadora—"

"My wand, sir?" she said, holding out her hand.

He returned it without a word, and she walked out of the room and down the spiral staircase. The sound of an angry argument was cut off when the gargoyle closed behind her.

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"You think they'd let us get a tutor for Potions?" Ron mused. "He just keeps getting worse."

Tonks snorted. "Lovely thought, isn't it? But Dumbledore would never allow it."

"I don't understand why he lets Snape get away with this!" Hermione said angrily. She was rereading the article in the Prophet for the tenth time, still unable to believe her eyes. "This is character assassination!"

"The Ministry basically controls the Prophet now, but yeah, that's got Snape's fingerprints all over it."

"What does he even do?" Ron grumbled. "I mean, I get that he's a spy, but it seems like everything he does helps You-Know-Who."

"All part of maintaining his cover," Tonks sang sarcastically. "I'm not certain what he actually does though. He reports only to Dumbledore, and as far as I know we've never acted on any tips from him. I know for certain that the Order has never cast a spell at a Death Eater."

"It would probably put him in danger if you did," Hermione said.

"What bloody good is it to have a spy then?" Ron retorted acidly.

"Don't get mad at me, Ronald. I'm not the one pulling his strings."

"Sorry."

"He's gone too far this time," Tonks said, staring at one of the training dummies that they had transfigured to look like Snape. "That article wasn't just embarrassing. It was an attack that helped the bad guys. It was just a stupid school rumor and now the whole of magical Britain probably read that shite."

All four of them were frustrated with Snape's actions, even if they had arguably provoked a response. Now they had to come up with a plan to deal with the latest front in the war being waged against them.

Harry, surprisingly, was the calmest of the four. He had reached a turning point in the Great Hall. He had felt it happening. Somehow he just knew that his anger was what his enemies sought, and letting it overpower him would be a victory for them. Snape had been so irate partly because Harry ignored him. That didn't make the situation any easier to swallow, but it was a valuable insight nonetheless. Now if he could only control himself around Dumbledore…

Hermione sighed tiredly and tossed the newspaper to the floor. "At least it wasn't Skeeter. It would have been even more vicious."

Ron looked at her excitedly. "Hey! She's still under your thumb, right? Why don't we make her write an article in favor of Harry?"

"It doesn't matter. The Ministry would never allow it to be published."

"How do you have Rita Skeeter under your thumb?" Tonks asked.

"She's an illegal animagus," Hermione said with satisfaction. "I caught her last year. She's an ugly flying beetle with hideous markings around her eyes. That's how she learns so many things she shouldn't know. We made her promise not to print any more stories about Harry."

"Why don't you tell me these bloody things?!"

"Er, sorry. Slipped my mind."

Tonks glowered at the three of them. "Anything else I need to know? Does Harry own a leprechaun colony? Is Ron a garden-gnome animagus? Anybody got nudies of McGonagall?"

"No," Ron replied uneasily.

"No secret allies in the Forbidden Forest? How about a pet chimera? Are you dating a centaur, Hermione?"

Hermione huffed and turned red, but Harry laughed. "I doubt she's dating him, but Firenze is sort of a friend. And there is a feral automobile in there that once rescued us from an acromantula nest."

"Harry…" Tonks said threateningly.

He held up his hands. "Seriously, I don't think we have any more secrets."

"It doesn't do us any good to own Skeeter if we don't own the Prophet," Hermione muttered.

"It might though," Harry mused. "What about Luna?"

"What about her, mate?" Ron asked.

"The Quibbler!" Hermione agreed, some enthusiasm returning, but she quickly deflated. "But does anybody read that rag?"

"Tonks and I have subscriptions," Harry said with a smile, knowing it would irritate her.

"Sane people, I mean. Skeeter might not write anything for them even if we blackmailed her."

"She would if I gave her an exclusive interview." He had gotten a taste of how influential his words could be in the Great Hall, and was willing to try it out on a larger audience.

"That…just might work," Hermione said slowly. "You could tell everyone the truth about Cedric Diggory. About Voldemort. People might buy _The Quibbler_ for that. We could start a little media war of our own."

"And you could tell her Snape's shagging Umbridge rotten," Ron added. "That's the kind of smut she lives for."

Tonks sat back and watched the trio think through the beginnings of a plan, appreciating for the first time how well they worked together. That was a very good thing, given the mortal danger they found themselves in every year. She was almost curious how they would fare against Umbridge without her aid. It might not have been much worse.

"I like this plan," she said. "Harry gets to tell his side of the story, and the world gets to learn about a romance for the ages."

"If we can get Skeeter to go for it," Hermione cautioned. "She won't do us any favors."

"If we can get _Luna_ to go for it," Harry said. "We helped her, but if her father publishes something against Voldemort…"

Tonks frowned. "Shit. She could be in real danger."

"We'll have to talk to her and explain how serious this is," he agreed. "This isn't a story about galloping gargoyles or whatever."

"The Ministry might go after them too," she said. "But it would give you a chance to finally speak out."

Ron shrugged. "Well, let's find her. She's probably outside fishing for grindylows."

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"That is a lovely idea!" Luna enthused. "It's a human interest story, and Professor Snape's romantic side never gets enough attention. I think I'll write the article myself."

"Er, did you catch the part about Voldemort?" Tonks asked.

They were in an abandoned classroom with Luna, and had just finished explaining how they wanted to use the Quibbler to tell Harry's story. Luna seemed more interested in writing a story about Snape's love life.

She waved their concerns away. "Daddy was never a fan of Death Eaters. He'll be delighted to expose them, even if we have to publish something by Rita Skeeter. She's a rather unpleasant woman."

"That she is," Harry agreed.

"And if they attack your home, Luna?" Hermione asked, watching the girl's squirming earrings suspiciously. They were either charmed to move, or they were alive. She wasn't sure she wanted to know which.

"Oh, our wards are very powerful. They're strong enough to keep out Death Eaters. We're prepared to defend ourselves against heliopaths if necessary."

Tonks couldn't resist a grin. She had no idea what a heliopath was, but doubted it was a match for Luna Lovegood. "This could put your father in hot water with the Ministry too. We're not sure how they'll react."

"Don't you work for the Ministry, Violet?" she asked, tilting her head to examine her more closely.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, I had assumed you were either an Auror or a hit wizard. You could be a mercenary from South America, I suppose, but you don't have an accent."

Ron couldn't contain a laugh at her reasoning. Hermione smacked his arm as he shook and tried not to let another escape.

"You might as well just tell her, Violet," Harry said. "She basically already knows, and if she's going to take a risk for us, shouldn't we trust her?"

Tonks looked at her seriously. "This is very important. Do I have your word that you won't tell anyone about me? We have to be able to trust our friends."

Luna's eyes went distant and she smiled. "I don't tell the secrets of my friends."

"Alright, then. Yes, I'm an Auror. And as you somehow deduced, my job is to protect Harry. Because Voldemort really is back, and the shit is going to hit the fan soon. People need to know."

"It's good to have my theory confirmed. You look very young for an Auror. Are you using polyjuice, or were you a child soldier raised by the Unspeakables?"

"Er, neither. But I'd rather keep my identity to myself for now."

"That's fine. Daddy and I have trade secrets too. Are you willing to go on record about the Rotfang Conspiracy after you're done protecting Harry?"

"What's that?"

Luna leaned down and craned her neck to look up at Tonks. Her long blonde hair swept against the floor. "It's a conspiracy to bring down the Ministry through dark magic and gum disease. We believe some of the Aurors are in on it."

Tonks laughed when she realized that Luna was trying to peer into her mouth. She opened her mouth wide so she could get a good look.

"No, I'm not part of that."

She nodded serenely. "I'm glad. You're very nice, and your gums appear to be fine."

"Right," Hermione said uncertainly. "Well, let us get in touch with Skeeter and figure out how to do an interview. In the meantime, we can think about how to embarrass Snape with an article."

"We could get a picture of you sneaking out of her room," Ron said, addressing Tonks.

"Why would we want that?" Luna asked.

"Ron," Tonks growled.

"Oh. Right, sorry."

"This is one of those secrets again, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. We'll tell you everything later if this works out."

"I would love that. But if you'd like a picture for the article, I believe Colin Creevey took one of the bouquet that Umbridge received. Professor Snape has excellent taste."

Tonks threw an arm around her shoulders and smiled. "Luna, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful partnership."

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The next week was a mixed bag for Harry. He received a week's worth of detentions from Umbridge for his little speech in the Great Hall. No doubt some enterprising young Slytherin or Snape himself had revealed its contents to her.

As usual, she forced him to write lines with her cursed quill. Tonks snuck in behind him every night under an invisibility cloak, just to be certain she didn't try anything. The woman goaded Harry constantly about his propensity for lying, but he didn't rise to the bait. He nodded along politely, knowing they had a plan to oust her. He was very pleased with the unnerved looks she gave him.

True to his word, he failed to turn up for his detention with Snape. Snape said nothing about it, so they assumed that Dumbledore had convinced him to let it go. But he certainly hadn't let it go during Potions class. He took great pleasure in insulting Harry's work and 'accidentally' ruining it. Harry lost more than 50 points for being a 'deadly menace.'

As far as Harry was concerned, Snape had openly declared himself as an enemy.

But if Snape's plan was to turn the students against him, it failed. House points had ceased to mean anything after the first month of classes, given the mockery that Umbridge and Snape had already made of them. The Gryffindors just glared at Snape every time he took points from Neville or some other unfortunate soul for the sin of existing.

Harry took the abuse with aplomb, treating him with indifference, no matter what the man said or did. Of course, that only served to irritate him further.

Apart from Snape and Umbridge, he was pleased with the aftermath of the slanderous article. It seemed to have had little effect on the students' attitude toward him. His speech had been effective. A few were even acting more pleasantly toward him. Tonks monitored the situation on the HQ mirrors. They discovered Parvati and Lavender telling people that they believed in Harry. Susan Bones was doing likewise in Hufflepuff, and even Cho Chang was speaking out for him. Much to his relief, she hadn't believed a word of the slanderous article.

Hermione spent long hours researching every detail of the brewing process for veritaserum. The first week was the most important, and would require her to stay up all night on three separate nights. She insisted she would be fine, but Tonks pilfered a supply of Pepper-Up potions from Madam Pomfrey so she would be ready when the time came. Now they just needed Sirius to come through with the ingredients.

They had little else to do but wait patiently on Luna's article to appear. She had promised to write about Snape personally in the next issue of _The Quibbler_. Hermione had owled Skeeter, but they hadn't yet heard anything back. They weren't certain how cooperative she would be, as she no doubt never wanted to see Hermione again. Spending a month in a glass jar didn't often endear someone to their captor.

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As the last days of October approached, three very good things happened in quick succession. Skeeter returned Hermione's owl, reluctantly agreeing to a meeting. She would meet her and Harry in three days' time at the Shrieking Shack, which she could enter easily as a bug.

The final ingredients from Sirius and Remus also appeared. Dobby delivered the last of them—bicorn horn and powdered asphodel harvested on a new moon—and Hermione was thrilled. She made plans to start brewing immediately after their meeting with Skeeter. Everyone agreed to keep her company in the Room of Requirement.

Lastly, and most happily, the latest issue of _The Quibbler_ was ready to be delivered. After learning of their plan, Sirius had insisted on putting his galleons behind this month's issue. Luna's father printed more than 3,000 copies of his little tabloid, its largest ever run, for reasons that soon became clear to all of Hogwarts.

Tonks and the trio sat in the Great Hall, eating breakfast and eagerly awaiting the arrival of the morning mail. They looked up as a strange noise from outside slowly grew to a roar. It sounded like a herd of centaurs was galloping toward them. The students whispered to each other and looked around in confusion.

A moment later, a huge shadow passed across the ceiling, blotting out of the sun.

Gasps of shock filled the room as the largest flock of owls that anyone had ever seen soared through the open windows and into the Great Hall. There were hundreds of them, of every shape and variety, and each carried a copy of _The Quibbler_ in its talons. The air was filled with a cacophony of screeches and hoots and flapping wings.

The screams of students were soon added to the unholy racket. The owls dove at them, jostling each other madly in an attempt to deliver their papers. Some students huddled together for protection. A few cast shield charms or defended themselves with plates. Others dove under the table, desperate to escape the swooping owls.

Unable to get close to their panicking targets, most of the owls simply dropped their paper onto someone's head. Others dropped them onto the increasingly messy floor. The most persistent soared underneath the tables, causing loud screams as they flapped their wings in the faces of their recipients.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Tonks smiled at the chaos. It looked as if the Great Hall were under attack. A particularly girly scream echoed from beneath the Slytherin table, and they hoped it belonged to Malfoy.

"What is the meaning of this?!" McGonagall shouted, creating several loud bangs with her wand. It did nothing to deter the owls, who continued pestering the students until the last paper was delivered.

When they finally disappeared, there was total silence. People climbed out from beneath tables, brushing themselves off and looking around warily. Some hesitantly picked up copies of the offending tabloid, while others scourgified seats and removed owl feathers from their food.

The noise levels rose quickly as the students got a good look at what the owls had delivered. Giggles and hushed whispers filled the room.

Gracing the front page were three pictures. One featured Snape, who was sneering into the camera like it was a mugshot. Another featured Umbridge, who simpered and covered her mouth coquettishly, winking at the readers. The final picture depicted three owls delivering the resplendent bouquet of flowers to her.

Above the pictures a huge headline blared ' _ROMANCE AT HOGWARTS_.'

Harry scanned the article hurriedly, wanting to see just how much damage they had done.

 _The Quibbler's most brilliant correspondent is excited to report that love is in the air at Hogwarts. Potions Professor Severus Snape and Defense Professor Dolores Umbridge have been seen canoodling like a pair of pygmy puffs in recent days. The tall and dark Professor has been seen leaving the short and robust Professor's quarters with a delightful shade of red on his lips. Reliable sources inform us that this is not the Professor's usual shade of lipstick._

 _Readers may remember that Madam Umbridge was responsible for the sniveling blimpy infestation at the Ministry after her Werewolf Legislation passed._

 _Professor Snape delivered an exceptionally lovely bouquet of flowers to the lucky lady, declaring his intentions in front of the entire school and inviting Madam Umbridge to Hogsmeade. Residents might soon be able to spot the couple strolling hand in hand in search of secluded spots and wild mistletoe. (A reminder to readers: nargles are notorious for hiding in mistletoe. See page 6 to learn the signs of an infestation)._

 _We at the The Quibbler take delight in the match between two such beloved Professors, and wish the happy couple the very best. Might the students be treated to a spring wedding? Subscribe to The Quibbler, dear readers, and we shall keep you apprised of every stolen kiss!_

The rest of the paper was filled with profiles of Snape and Umbridge, and speculation on how their romance began. While the entire student body read the articles in glee, hundreds of other copies were being delivered across the British Isles.

Harry risked a glance at the head table, where Umbridge read her own copy with shaking hands. But it was nothing compared to the look on Snape's face. He turned a mottled red and stormed out of the hall.

He smiled at his conspirators. "Well, I don't know about you, but romance always puts me in a good mood. It couldn't happen to two more deserving people."

The four raised their glasses of pumpkin juice in a toast.

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 **A/N** : Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard**

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 **Chapter 13:**

The Day of the Owls, as it was now being called by Hogwarts students, quickly became the stuff of legend. No one could recall that many owls—almost 500 of them—descending upon the Great Hall at once. Students wrote home about it, which only increased the gossip surrounding the payload the owls had carried.

With the latest edition of the Quibbler, the romance between Snape and Umbridge exploded into public consciousness. It quickly became the fastest-selling issue in the tabloid's history, as a generation of Hogwarts students who loathed Snape snatched up copies with horrified fascination. Xenophilius Lovegood had to run a second printing to keep up with the demand.

Snape and Umbridge furiously denied the relationship, with Umbridge going to the extreme of addressing the topic in the Great Hall. But that didn't deflate the students' interest. The Weasley twins used duplicating charms to distribute the offending paper to every nook and cranny of the castle's walls, creating an even bigger mess than the bat and toad graffiti. Some students joined them. When McGonagall refused to allow Umbridge to put a young Hufflepuff in detention for life, the High Inquisitor retaliated by passing a new Educational Decree. This one gave her authority over all punishments at Hogwarts, much to everyone's dismay.

She likewise banned the Quibbler from the castle, but that would prove to be less of a deterrent than she hoped. It didn't stop the students from stowing copies in their trunks, nor did it stop the gossip. Two days after her public denial, Snape was again seen leaving her office with his clothes in a state of disarray. This time it had been in the dead of night, directly in front of two Gryffindor prefects. Tonks had even made Snape blush and stammer this time. The story was all over school by noon the next day.

Harry and friends watched it all with a sense of vicious satisfaction. It wasn't quite the revenge they were aiming for, but it was a start. Snape had not retaliated, and if his mood was any indication, Dumbledore had not allowed him to do so. Umbridge didn't seem to be aware that the prank originated with them, and they prayed it stayed that way.

In the days following the chaos, their group had little to do but help Hermione start brewing veritaserum. The first two weeks of the potion were the most difficult, and the first three days the most essential. Hermione stayed up all night for three days straight, making liberal use of the Pepper-Up potions that Tonks had stolen. Harry and Ron offered to prepare ingredients for her, but she refused. She knew exactly what would happen if someone sliced instead of diced, and Snape wasn't entirely wrong about the boys' brewing skills.

So they left her to it, content to spy on the rest of the school from the Room while she carefully planned her next two months of work. If everything went well, the potion would be ready around Christmas. They couldn't think of a better present to give themselves.

Their meeting with Skeeter wouldn't take place until the day after the first quidditch match, so they busied themselves planning the interview while Tonks drilled them on the fundamentals of magical fighting.

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"And the seeker for Gryffindor… _HARRY POTTER_!" roared Lee Jordan.

The Gryffindors around them exploded in cheers.

Hermione and Violet watched as Harry zoomed across the pitch on his Firebolt. They were huddled in the stands with the rest of the house for the match against Slytherin. The day was bitterly cold for November, but winter came early in Scotland. Hermione was exhausted from staying up to brew truth serum, but she wrapped herself in multiple layers and attended, hoping her best friends would at least survive the match without injuries. Slytherin house had tried to jinx multiple players throughout the week, and only Tonks' intervention had saved Alicia Spinnett from a stay in the hospital wing.

Luna Lovegood sat beside them. She had taken to following the trio around whenever she encountered them in the halls. She wore a huge animated lion on her head, which she had made herself. Hermione had to admit it was an impressive bit of magic, even if its unpredictable roars made her jump out of her skin.

The highly-anticipated match began, and it soon became clear that the Slytherins were playing for keeps. They committed so many fouls in the first two minutes that Madam Hooch couldn't possibly keep up with them. But Gryffindor had superior players and had begun to pull ahead when a loud chant rang out from the Slytherin side of the stands.

 _Weasley cannot save a thing,_

 _He cannot block a single ring,_

 _That's why Slytherins all sing:_

 _Weasley Is Our King!*_

"Oh, Merlin," Hermione muttered. She could almost see Ron's face going red in the rings.

Indeed, the song appeared to rattle him. The next shot got through, and so did the one after that. His nerves, combined with the viciousness of Slytherin's play, quickly reversed Gryffindor's advantage. As Ron continued missing easy saves, the Slytherins sang even louder. Their laughter rang out across the pitch every time their team scored. Soon Slytherin led 90 to 40.

"C'mon, Ron!" Hermione yelled. "Don't let them get to you!"

"Wrackspurts and quidditch are not a good combination," observed Luna, and Hermione took that as her attempt at consolation.

A half-hour into the game, Gryffindor was getting mauled. Slytherin's lead had extended to 100 points. The chasers were doing their best, but with Ron so frazzled, too many goals were getting past him. If Harry didn't catch the snitch soon, they were going to lose.

Tonks and Hermione followed him in the sky, watching as Malfoy shadowed him. So far the snitch had failed to make an appearance. But there was a collective gasp from the crowd as Harry broke into a sudden dive.

"Has Potter seen the snitch?" Lee Jordan speculated excitedly.

Everyone held their breath as Harry plummeted straight toward the ground, impossibly fast, with Malfoy hard on his heels. Harry reached out with his hand, and the entire stadium leaned forward in their seats. Hermione clutched her bag so hard her fingers turned white.

Just when it seemed certain that he would crash, he pulled up and barrel-rolled, his feet skimming the grass. Malfoy slammed into the ground behind him with a thump. Loud groans came from the Slytherin stands, but the rest of the stadium cheered.

"A Wronski feint!" Lee boomed. "Haven't seen one of those since The World Cup! Malfoy's going to be feeling that one for a while."

"Merlin," Tonks said admiringly. "He's absolutely fearless, isn't he?"

"Reckless is more like it."

Tonks watched Harry zoom by the Gryffindor stands, a huge smile on his face, earning a roar of approval from Luna's hat. He seemed more at home in the air than anywhere else. She had never seen him so carefree. Even the joy of humiliating Snape and Umbridge paled in comparison.

Gryffindor and Slytherin traded blows for another twenty minutes, with Slytherin slowly pulling ahead. They were leading by 140 points when Luna's lion hat roared again.

"They've seen the snitch!" rang Lee's voice.

Everyone got to their feet as both seekers raced neck and neck toward the little golden ball. It was within mere feet of both boys, and it was desperately trying to outrun them. Malfoy tried to elbow Harry out of the way, but Harry barrel-rolled underneath him and shot out the other side, just as the snitch changed direction. It flew into Harry's waiting hands, and he thrust his arm into the air.

"GRYFFINDOR WINS!" Lee bellowed, and the students of three houses followed his lead.

"Well, all's well that ends well. Looks like we've got a party to get to," Tonks said. "Our boys could probably use one."

"Ron's definitely going to need some encouragement after that song."

Tonks grinned and opened her mouth, but Hermione slapped her hand over it. "Whatever it is you were about to say, _don't_ say it."

They began making their way through the crowd, trying to get to the pitch, when they saw all the players congregate on the ground together.

"Looks like the Slytherins aren't enjoying their loss."

Tonks surreptitiously drew her wand, but there was little she could from the stands, which is one reason she hated trying to protect Harry during quidditch practices. A moment later, the players below started pushing each other. Angry words were exchanged and then fists were flying.

Hermione groaned when she noticed Umbridge push her way toward the fray. "This won't end well."

And indeed it didn't. The victory party that evening was a subdued affair. Gryffindor had won the match, but they had lost their seeker and both beaters to lifetime bans. Umbridge had even confiscated Harry's beloved broom and assigned a week of detention to him and the twins. With no one to appeal to, her punishments would stand.

Tonks was secretly relieved that she would no longer have to hide under an invisibility cloak to guard him at practice. But she despaired at the thought of what Harry's punishment would do to him. Not being able to fly was a disaster. She had seen the look on his face as Umbridge marched toward Hogwarts with her fat little hands wrapped around his broom. Not even Hagrid's return from abroad could dispel his gloom.

It infuriated her that she could only counsel him to be patient. Especially when she too wanted the witch to go down as hard and as soon as possible.

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"Are you sure you're ready?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, Professor Granger, for the third time. I've got my statement and my notes and you've told me precisely how to phrase my answers. We'll be fine."

"Just making certain," she said, patting his arm. "This could be very important, Harry. It might change a lot of minds."

"I know. I'm ready for her. She has to play nice with us anyway."

"I'm still amazed that bitch is an animagus," Tonks said. "That's a tricky bit of magic."

"Can you do it?" Hermione asked curiously.

Harry too had wondered just what she could do with her body, but he knew better than to ask. It would probably result in the most embarrassing conversation of his life.

"Nope. Damn shame too. Can you imagine turning into a niffler? You'd be rich. I can give myself animal features though—pig noses and extra hair and the like. Want to see my impression of Hagrid?"

"Er, no thanks."

"Suit yourself, but let's go or we'll be late."

She tapped her wand on Hermione's head, and she instantly disappeared, save for small ripples in the air when she moved. Harry and Tonks donned their invisibility cloaks and then all three exited the Room.

Ron had begged off, opting to remain in the Room of Requirement 'to do homework.' He had no desire to see Rita Skeeter, and wasn't a big fan of the Shrieking Shack after the events of third year. Hermione was suspicious of his sudden desire to study, especially since he would be alone in a room that could spy on anyone in the castle. But he had been sulking since his performance at the quidditch match, and she didn't want to chide him for appearing to take his school work seriously.

They had crafted a prepared statement for Skeeter, but that would only serve as a useful reference for her. She wouldn't have agreed to a meeting without the promise of an interview. Harry prayed that their hold over the vindictive reporter was enough to guarantee fair treatment. He wanted to fight back, even if it was just with words. It was essential that they convince the world that Voldemort had returned, and he especially wanted to denounce the Prophet's tripe about his love triangle.

After they passed cautiously beneath The Whomping Willow, they removed their cloaks and Hermione discarded her disillusionment. Now only a long walk awaited them.

Harry tried to control his growing nerves. He loathed Rita Skeeter, and the fallout of the interview, even if she did right by them, would be unpredictable.

"Umbridge is going to throw a fit over this," he said as they walked. "I'll probably get detention until I'm fifty."

"Probably," Tonks said. "But cheer up. We're almost done letting her torture you."

"What?"

"Did you really think I was going to let her bleed you with those quills all year?"

"Er, yeah, I kinda did. What are you going to do?"

"We're going to steal the bloody things," she said with a grin. "If you can endure it for one more week, we'll document the evidence from the twins' hands and that will be that. The next time she sees them will be at a trial, if we're lucky. Maybe we'll break all her kitten plates too."

A slow smile spread across Harry's face. She returned it and tried not to feel too smug.

Tonks had decided after watching Harry rage at Umbridge's latest atrocity that something had to give. She had contacted Bones, who agreed that they had enough evidence to provoke universal outrage when the proper time came. Umbridge might still be able to assign detentions, but she would have to invent new ways to torture people.

She almost tripped in surprise when Harry pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you, Tonks."

"Er, you're welcome."

"No, seriously. You're the only one who's helping us. I don't want to know how we'd deal with all this without you. I thought I was going to have a permanent scar on my hand."

He didn't want to give her too much of an ego, but the last few days had driven home just how important she was to them this year. She was training them, protecting them from Umbridge to the best of her ability, and helping them formulate plans for revenge. He hadn't forgotten that the sound of her laughter had driven away his rage in Dumbledore's office either.

Tonks gave herself huge puppy dog eyes. A little tear rolled down her cheek. "Aww, Harry Potter is thanking his Tonksie! Tonksie is so happy!"

Harry winced at the terrible imitation of Dobby. "Never mind, I take it all back."

"Too late! I'm going to remind you of this moment every time I knock you on your arse and you glare daggers at me."

Hermione watched them both with amusement. Harry was clearly growing more comfortable with their rapport, even if Tonks still held a massive advantage. She wasn't sure she would have been able to handle Harry's moodiness this year as well as Tonks had. For all her delight in embarrassing them, she was definitely the most helpful ally they'd ever had. With her work on the truth serum going well, she felt less side-lined and more appreciative of Tonks' presence.

"We really need to do something nice for Luna," she said, breaking up their exchange of insults. "She's taking a big risk publishing this interview, even if she doesn't seem to mind."

"I think we should let her know about the Room," Harry said. "She already knows Tonks is an Auror, and we can't really talk to her anywhere else. We can trust her."

Hermione sighed. "As long as she doesn't distract me when I'm working—or try to make me believe in things that blibber or blobber."

"Tonks?" Harry asked.

She shrugged. "I like her, and she's helping us. We can keep her. No more strays though. I've got my hands full keeping you lot alive."

"Let's bring her in tomorrow then. I don't think she'll betray our secret hideaway."

As they drew closer to the Shack, Tonks donned her invisibility cloak once again. There was no need for Skeeter to be aware of her presence.

"Let's hope she's not still in bug form when we go in," she whispered. "I might accidentally step on her."

Harry snorted. "I hate her, but I sort of admire her bravery. She could get killed by a fly swatter. That's dedication to your job."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"That's odd," said Luna. "I've never noticed this door before. I'm certain I've watched Barnabas play with his trolls."

"It's a secret room," Harry said. "This is where we hang out, and you've got to promise not to tell anyone about it."

"Of course. Is this the place you're using to wage your secret war against Voldemort?"

"Er, something like that."

He led her into the room, where Tonks, Ron and Hermione were already lounging in front of the mirrors on the wall.

"Hey Luna," Tonks said kindly. "Welcome to our secret club!"

"Oh, thank you! I love secret clubs. This one seems so much more interesting than gobstones."

"It definitely is. Our club comes with a crazy house elf and free popcorn."

"Hey now, Dobby's more useful than you are," Harry said, then dodged the spell she flung his way.

Luna's attention was immediately drawn to the mirrors, which currently reflected the Slytherin common room, Umbridge's office, and Flitwick's classroom. The little Professor was delivering a lecture on silent casting to his NEWT students, and Hermione was listening and taking notes.

"Oh, my," Luna breathed, her pale silver eyes going even wider than usual. "This is remarkable. Can you see into showers too? I'll be sure to wave the next time I take one."

Ron laughed, but quickly stopped at the disapproving glare Hermione shot him.

"We don't use them for that Luna. Or at least we better not. They're for gathering information."

Luna nodded. "I suppose people don't have many interesting conversations in the shower. Can you see everywhere in the castle?"

"We think so," Harry said. "Except for the Headmaster's office, which is unfortunate. But it's shown us everywhere else, and the whole room can become whatever we need it to be."

"So it provided all these books too? And the dummies and chairs?"

"Yep."

A huge smile lit up Luna's face. "How marvelous! Think of all the possibilities! Do you think it would help me find a crumple-horned snorkack?"

Harry glanced at the others. Tonks and Ron grinned, but Hermione shook her head and returned to listening to Flitwick.

"Er, we're not sure what that is, Luna."

"It's a rare creature Daddy and I have been trying to track down in the summers. We're going to Norway this year, I believe. How does the room work? Do you simply have to wish for something?"

"Whoever opens it controls it," he answered. "Tonks is in control right now because she asked for our training room. Only she can change it while we're in it."

"Tonks?" she asked, tilting her head at him curiously.

"Yeah, she—," he began, then glanced at Violet and shut his mouth. "Shit."

A moment later a spell smacked his backside. "Great job, Harry. First-rate discretionary skills. You should train to be a spy."

"Sorry."

Luna looked between them in confusion. "Well, obviously your name isn't Violet Blackwell. I already knew that."

Tonks smiled. "It's fine, Luna. Just keep it to yourself. You're helping us out and we trust our friends. Except for Harry. Don't tell him your secrets."

Luna returned a beaming smile. "I trust my friends too. Do you suppose you could ask the room to see a crumple-horned snorkack, Tonks? Or should I call you Violet?"

"Best to use Violet. I'll try, but I don't know what that is. Maybe the room does."

Tonks closed her eyes in concentration, and a moment later an ethereal creature popped into existence in the center of the room. It was suspended in the air, almost like a hologram, and had the wispy appearance of a patronus.

Luna clapped her hands and ran to it eagerly. "I always knew they'd be cute! I'll have to take a picture for The Quibbler. Now we know what we're looking for."

The rest of the group stared at the spectral creature in surprise. Hermione got up to examine it closely.

"Luna," she said after an inspection, "that's a rabbit."

"Nonsense. That's obviously a crumple-horned snorkack."

"So where are its horns then?"

"It only has the one, and it's right there on its forehead. See?"

Hermione got closer and squinted. The spectral beast squinted right back at her.

"That's…a bump. At best."

"It's crumpled, yes."

"So how do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a snorkack?"

"Well, rabbits can't teleport away from predators and they don't have invisible tails."

Hermione paused and took a breath. "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but how do you know it has an invisible tail?"

"Because we can't see it. It would be visible then."

Tonks laughed uproariously at the look on her face. "She's got you there. Impeccable logic."

Hermione sighed and returned to her seat, but Luna didn't seem offended. She looked at Tonks calmly. "Can you ask the room for an Umgubular Slashkilter? They're supposed to be very interesting."

"Those aren't even words," Hermione muttered, trying to ignore the conversation and focus on Flitwick's lecture.

Tonks shrugged. "No idea what that is, but why not?"

She concentrated again, and the spectral creature that appeared in the center of the room left them momentarily speechless.

It was at least ten feet tall, and had an amorphous, blob-like body that slithered to and fro in a wave-like motion. At least a dozen tentacles sprang from its center. Some had suction cups like a squid, while others had sharp, dagger-like claws. But its eyes were its most noticeable feature. There were dozens of them, and they rose from the beast on stalks, blinking constantly and looking in every direction.

Harry, Ron, and Tonks stared open-mouthed, unable to believe something so horrible could exist. Luna walked around it in silent admiration, not bothered by the fact that every single one of the creature's eyes followed her progress. Hermione was sitting with her back to them and listening closely to Professor Flitwick, unaware of the reason for the silence.

Harry regained his senses first. "Hermione? You might want to turn around."

"I have no desire to see more rabbits."

"This…is not a rabbit."

She huffed and turned around, then sprang out of her chair. Her wand slipped into her hand. "W-what, the ever-loving—what _is_ that?"

"An Umgubular Slashkilter, of course," Luna answered serenely. "Isn't he fascinating? I didn't expect him to have so many eyes."

"Bloody hell," Ron whispered. "Where do they live?"

"No one knows. There hasn't been a documented sighting in centuries. We're hopeful they're not extinct but—"

"Please God, let them be extinct," Hermione begged. "It's like something out of Lovecraft."

"You read the Lovecrafts?" Luna asked curiously. "Some people think the family is odd, but I think they're America's best zoologists."

Hermione stared at her for at least ten seconds. "I'm going to the library."

Luna frowned. "There's nothing to be afraid of. Would you like to see a wrackspurt instead?"

"No! No wrackspurts, or snorkacks, or slashing junglebuggers! Not when I'm in the room."

She grabbed her bag and stalked out, leaving behind three grinning people and one confused one.

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The evening after Hermione's unfortunate encounter with Luna's creatures, Harry finally got a chance to speak privately with Sirius again. Tonks had borrowed the mirror a couple times when they were organizing the transfer of truth serum ingredients, and there had been little time to simply talk with his godfather. He pulled his bed curtains tight and cast a privacy charm, then pulled out his mirror.

"Sirius Black."

It took only a few seconds for a grinning face to appear. "Hey kid! How are things at Hoggy-Hogwarts?"

"I can't complain—well, actually I can. About a lot. But I won't bore you with it."

Sirius laughed. "I've already heard some of it. Tonks likes to talk about you. Don't worry, that Ministry bitch will be gone soon, Harry. I'll buy you a new Firebolt if I need to."

"Thank you, but let's hope it doesn't come to that. I just want her out of here. I can't wait till that bloody potion is done, but it's got forever to go."

"Well, Hermione seems to know what she's doing. I'll give her that. How did the interview with Skeeter go?"

"As well as we could hope. She was actually salivating at some of the things I said. I think she would have flirted with me if Hermione hadn't been there. Luna's trying to get her father to print it as a special issue."

"Tell them I'll fund the thing again. They should print up thousands."

Harry smiled. He wouldn't trade Sirius for anything, but it sure as hell helped their cause that he was rich. "I will. Umbridge banned the Quibbler here, but we can use Dobby to deliver them straight to the students' beds. She can't stop us."

"I like it. I don't know why Dumbledore didn't think of it earlier. He's not even defending _himself_ in the press."

"Do you think we could convince Skeeter to do an interview with you?" Harry asked hopefully. "It might help clear your name."

"Eh, maybe," Sirius replied. "Let's see how yours turns out. If I do one with her, we'd have to make sure I can't be connected to you. You'd be in deep shit with the Ministry."

"Yeah, I forgot about that."

"Don't worry about it, Harry. Just take care of yourself and keep pranking the hell out of Snape. It fills my days with joy. I've got a framed copy of that Quibbler article in the kitchen. He had to sit right below it at the last Order meeting—which reminds me!"

"Yeah?"

Sirius leaned forward with a huge smile. "Care to guess what happened at the meeting? I tried to mirror call you last night, but no one was around."

"Er, Dumbledore listened to people talk about nothing and told them all to persevere?"

Sirius barked out a laugh. "Exactly! But that's not what I meant. I overheard a conversation afterwards between him and Snape."

"What did they say?"

Sirius started laughing almost hysterically. "Hold on—I can't even think about it without losing it."

He took a deep breath to compose himself. "Voldemort apparently heard about the article in the Lovegoods' paper. He's now demanding that Snape pretend to be smitten with Umbridge so they can use her as a source close to the Minister."

Harry stared at him in disbelief, then joined his godfather in laughter. Their prank had just been intended to humiliate Snape, but it was turning his life into a living hell. Now both of his masters were encouraging a romance with Umbridge.

"Oh, Merlin," Harry said, almost giggling with mirth. "He might really murder us. I can't wait to tell the others."

"Watch your back around him. If he retaliates, I'll set Kreacher on him with the knives he sharpens every night."

"Tonks was planning to impersonate him again, just to keep everybody believing that he's shagging her. We might need to dial it back now."

"Don't you dare! I want to hear every detail. He's had it coming for a long time. Plus, you're just helping him maintain his cover now, aren't you? It's doing him a favor, really."

"I'm glad you're on my side, Sirius."

"You should be. Imagine the Death Eaters with a Marauder working for them."

Harry almost pointed out that they already had one, but he didn't want to ruin the mood. "Any other news from Grimmauld?"

"Not really, although I did get in a really good prank on Moony. The elves delivered your basilisk the other day. I put the thing in the attic and scared the daylights out of him with it. He actually screamed and cursed the thing."

"What? Why?"

"Well, I might have placed its open jaws right in front of the door. Might have used an animation charm to make it wriggle and hiss too. He screamed and hit it with a reducto curse."

Harry laughed. His chest was hurting from laughing so much, which was exactly what he needed. "I wish I could have seen it."

"He'll never live it down. The curse knocked out one of its teeth, but that only made it look cooler. Hey, did you know that thing still has venom in it? It dripped onto the floor and almost burned a bloody hole."

"Wow."

"Might prove useful. Moony and I will salvage it one day, just in case."

Harry smiled, longing for the day when conversations like this one were the norm and not the exception.

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 **A/N** : Thanks to BennyS for his feedback on the chapter, and thanks for reading and reviewing. I love to hear your feedback. How am I doing with Luna?

*The 'Weasley Is Our King' verse comes verbatim from _The Order of the Phoenix_ by JK Rowling.


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